Whose Got Your Back?

Blessings of Being Awake: It was Monday morning in the limo on the way to the airport, a few blocks from the hotel where my daughter and her family had stayed while we were in Boston to bury my mother's remains, when Andrea said with much frustration, 'Oh, I forgot to check-out.' I could feel my anger arise and then before i could think my mouth opened and a torrent of words burst out to not just my daughter but to Urbie, Ashby and Drew. I could not hold my composure and intention of love and kindness any longer. The pain of my mothers death and that i was now the big cheese overwhelmed me and i wanted to know who was there for Andrea, for me, for us!!
Spiritual Challenge: It had been a long month filled with mourning, working, making plans, traveling, visiting and honoring of my mother's wishes and now we were going home to the real world where my mother's physical presence no longer existed. And I wanted to know whose got my back? Whose house will I drive by to see if she is OK, who will ask me to go out to lunch with her, to give me directions, to attend a function, to ask if i need bananas or fruit or bread or any kind of food when i arrived home from traveling or flowers for the Shabbat table or even to be a pain-in-the-neck. And I had not voiced much of these feelings for I could not admit the fear of the unknown that lay within me. I was in a do-er mode, i had a list of things to do, to complete the mission. I had forgotten how important my Mother's presence was to me and I had no idea how much i was going to miss her presence and her place in my life. I would have lots of time to begin to see where I placed in her life.
Spiritual Practice: I have had the honor of working with several male clients who are African American and who have voiced their distrust of others in the work place and how they have to have their own back. One of these clients also talked of his God, that 'He's got my back'. I like when clients share their faith with me for it reminds me of what i already know; the Unknowable, Breath of All Life does remain an integral element to all of life including mine. I laugh out loud when I remember the story a teacher-sage tells of the agnostic who in the passion of love making, screams 'oh, my god!' I, too, must allow myself to move in and out of my doubt when feeling alone. And I must rememeber that Divine Nature is within each of us, so we all have each other's back strengthened by what I call G!D.
Blessings of the Vav: As Sonny and Cher sang, 'and the beat goes on and on and on'. As long as i will breathe there will be another AND moment in which to; smile, apologize, laugh, cry, celebrate AND the heart keeps beating on and on and on. And as we are reminded as we read the Torah where most columns begin with a Vav, the stories are all interconnected to each other affecting each other, transforming them as perspectives change with new information and we are never the same after that. Halleluyah!!

We Are Never Alone in Seeking Balance

Blessings of Being Awake:It was the third day of the silent retreat when i noticed a dull acheing in the center of my back. My first thought was 'what made this happen?' and then the solution 'maybe i was sitting wrong'. Then as the mind wandered i remembered that it was a week and 13 hours since my mother was killed by the impact of the car and maybe i was feeling the heart's pain. I reached for the small pillow i had brought from home and placed it right where the pain was centered and leaned into the back of the chair and with my next breath noticed the tears coming down my cheek. I opened my chest, my heart wide and rested in that moment.
Spiritual Challenge: Before I had left for the retreat Miryam had reminded me that I was in mourning. It was such a gift of a few words that gave me an anchored vessel to place all my feeling and thoughts within. These words were my connection to another reality as a floated in the dream of my life.
Spiritual Practice: Tender, tender, tenderness is my deepest desire for a default when life gets so narrow there is not much room to breathe deeply. This space i offered myself of a week of silence was such a gift. One my mother had supported me in when about a month before her death we were talking about what to do for Thanksgiving and when i told her about the retreat she had said 'Go, I have lived my life, you live yours'. So i must learn to listen deeply to my heart and those who love me and never give up for in the next moment holds all possibilities.
Blessings of the Vav: I am a member of the virtual community of Agudat HaVav, the Society of the Vav. I am never alone; i am Divinely connected to every place, person, animal and thing. As I was reminded when i saw Avatar this week; She does not take sides - Her deepest desire is for balance in the world. There will always be a moment, a word, a smile an animal showing up to pull me back into balance whenever I go off kilter, for She is within me, my seeker of inner balance.

Movies as an Antidote to Change

Blessings of Being Awake:I know this place i am in as i have been here before. Life gets full of people and things and then, wham!!! there is nothing that will distract me from the feelings that arise. I am left to face the emotions i do not want.
Spiritual Challenge: To suck it up, let it out, be curious and notice where i am without judging (usually impossible) and breathe, to avoid falling into despair and hopelessness. To think about how I can cope in this moment and as a last possible solution to share my state with someone. To cry.
Spiritual Practice: No matter how alone i feel or how much i doubt everything in this moment, these are just thoughts. And the truth is that i also love me and i am good.
SO! I made a list of seven movies i wanted to see and i have now seen five and today i will see two more. Yea for Christmas releases!!
Blessings of the Vav: we are funny people, a community of like others; everyone goes through these feelings, adores being distracted from pain and wants to give up. That is why we are taught by the sages that I do not have to complete the work and am i not at liberty to stop living the dream i am in Pirke Avot 2:2

Early Morning Musings

Blessings of Being Awake: Yesterday via a webinar I listened to Ira Chaleff talk about hierarchical relationships from a follower's perspective. I felt a kinship to the man and wrote to him that he was a Vav-nik. This morning I received a a note back telling me the origins of his thinking was the Holocaust. I began to think I know in real time where my fascination with the Vav happened and yet I was not aware of a core value of mine that fed the real time awakening. I am aware this morning that since I live in fear of disconnection and that my heart's default is 'close' and a familiar feeling that arises frequently is loneliness, that living a Vav-nik life is opposition to these old experiences.
Spiritual Challenge:In studying Musar with my Va'ad group we were talking about what does spiritual mean to each of us. Part of my definition is that I live as if I am in connection, in relationship with every person, place or thing. I want a simple life and yet simple is not easy. Staying in integrity with my values demands i stay awake. And the other morning as i walked with my friends, I was bored with their conversation and left them in my mind and left the world and the next thing I knew I was down on the ground, bruised and glasses bent.
Spiritual Practice: How can I stay awake and put myself at the top of the list as I support in MULKA? I do not have a clue! I can only keep noticing my life with humor an gratitude and keep being open to learning that comes in the most surprising places.
Blessings of the vav: Yes, she is a blessing!

The Gerund

Blessings of Being Awake: Here in South Florida we have been waiting for the weather where we can open our windows. And it is here, at least for now. Winter has come and I am happy to shut off the air conditioner. I can feel the cool breeze flow through my condo, front to back bringing in fresh air and I take a deep breath knowing change is happening.
Spiritual Challenge: To remember whether I see change or not there is always something brewing underneath the surface and my impatience or hopelessness is not going to make it happen any quicker. The Buddhist teaching on impermanence and non-attachment or Hebrew Wisdom honoring of t'shuvah, the right of return to the true nature' or as I learned in Thoughts Without Thinker, the use of 'ing' on the end of words is a reminder that everything is a work in progress, including me. Change, change, change, I can hear the Mamas and Papas singing the song based on ancient writings. Everything is about change.
Spiritual Practice: When I feel tension related to change in my body, i will remember that breathing deeply is bringing the Life Force deeply into my hips and groin releasing the fear that gets stuck in my throat. Hope is restored; courage and past experiences are reinforcing my forward motion and a smile opens my lips relaxing my facial muscles.
Blessings of being a Vav-nik: Being able to sing full hearted 'row, row, row the boat gently down the stream, merrily , merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

LOL

Blessings of Being Awake: I heard myself laughing with a burst of energy I smile now in remembering the moment. Miryam and I had been talking about our meditation experiences and the thought crossed my mind 'i can be the rabbi and practice Buddhist teachings' and still be a good enuff Jew. I felt like I had been released from the straight jacket i was trying to fit into. 'Either or', i could hear the mind saying, 'you cannot have both!' Is that really true?, I quickly responded. I am a Vav-nik and i can have both and i can live 'the and life' that i am trying to promote in the world. I am blending Hebrew Wisdom and Buddhist practice in my life, why hide behind a facade of untruth.
Spiritual Challenge: I have to laugh at myself as I know 'we teach what we need to learn' and being a Vav-nik is more than passing out cards; it is actually doing the work, living the values I deem mine. Being alone, quiet, introspective is essential to my mental health and creativity. And in striving to remain in the world and honor the other part of me I also need conversations where we share ideas, thoughts held close to the heart, rarely verbalized. I need to get out of my head the words that when spoken take on a different tension and begin to have an energy and beauty that completes me.
Spiritual Practice: To remember the laughter so freely emoted and how wonderful it felt. To continue to believe in miracles and like Sarah, I too can bring forth a child a 99, i can bring together opposing forces and find a renewed path for myself.
Blessings of the Vav: it is never over until the fat lady sings. I am not sure what that means and i do know I can continue to learn, expose myself to new experiences and collaborations and not lose me, just most humbly deepen my relationship with the Mystery of Life.

Surprises That Nurture the Soul

Blessings of Being Awake: I laugh as i type the words 'being awake' thinking that it is way too early to be sitting at my computer. And what brought me out of my bed as I was watching my chest rise and fall trying to get back to sleep, was the thought that Robbie had found me through this blog. And each time that thought crossed the mind I felt an emotion that filled my chest and bubbled over as the joy of connection, of loose threads being gathered into the fabric of my life, creating a foreground to my life's tapestry. I am thinking that I am a part of a whole that is my life. The emotion rises again, the tears fall and I am happy through and through.
Spiritual Challenges: Thirteen years ago I said 'yes' to the voice that told me I was going for a trip around the world. This summer I have had experiences, like Robbie, where those connections came back to life and I am now feeling that the dream is real. You see, I took this trip, I wrote about it, I made connections that drifted away and when I came back to NC, I went back to my life as I had known it. And I drifted from home to home, not sure where I wanted to live and added to my academic credentials and below the surface of life the Mystery was working. I love surprises like these. I feel like I have been found, validated and my challenge is to stay here, be nurtured and just enjoy! I am a part of a life, my life.
Spirirtual Practice: One foot in front of the other I walk though my life, a walking meditation, of paying attention to the gifts wrapped in various packages, and of letting things go and choosing non-violence, of remembering to focus on the core of life-LOVE, of listening to my teachers who come in all sizes and shapes and of continually seeking the Divine in myself as well as others. And most of all believing in me and my dreams for they are good, they are very good.
Blessings of the Vav: who knew my fascination with the Hebrew letters and language and taking myself seriously would lead to this blog. Devorah said that if I became a rabbi, and i was strongly resisting that call, I would also become a healer. I believe her now, as my heart's wounds are mending and its capacity is expanding. Who knew? She knew!