Monday, July 11, 2011

Standing on the Threshold

Standing at the doorway to the unknown, I may appear full of joy, yet this casual pose may not tell the whole story.
I sat in my bathroom the other day, looking around and appreciating the natural light that flows through the large window, the broad counter that gives room for many items and the long the bathtub that I have so enjoyed luxuriating and soaking in to the point of moving into dream land. And I think, I am going to miss what this room offers. And I am appreciating the other gifts this home has offered, hard wood floors, lots of light, great energy, lots of room to move around on this first floor and the opportunity to meet the most amazing people, and to invite these people into my home to enjoy what I love!

And I know this is good to love where i am leaving and to be able to know why I am moving on. I read somewhere once it is best to leave what you love.

So I am feeling sad about leaving and I am excited to what awaits me in my next home that I will make my own, too! There is light, there is water, there is an upstairs and a downstairs and there is my family that is thrilled i am choosing them to live close to!

And as I stand on this threshold, I remember my ancestors, the boundary cross-ers, who teach us, remember Me-Us-We, you are never alone, you are loved always eternally. And I am grateful to follow in their path, the wandering Jews, who occasionally build nests to grow within.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The Wall is Down:The Heart is Receiving In This Moment

I am leaving where I have lived for four years and now it is safe to let those that I have met into my heart. I laugh at my noticing my patterns.

I am moving on to try again to find Home. Not that i did not find pieces of it here. Wonderful people, as long as I kept them at a distance, and a warm tropical climate that provided me plenty of opportunities to grow. I learned how to sail, what it was like to display some art work publicly and vacation with the snorkel club whom i had just met. I even committed to six months of teaching and kept my promise and learned so much about connecting with six amazing women and Judaism. I owned my own home for the first time and then sold it at a loss! That was an interesting moment to rationalize away!!

My father died and then my mother was killed and now I am an orphan. What I thought I was moving here for no longer exists. And then I needed to think where in the world do I want to live now that the roots that grew me had shriveled up.

Yet, you never really know why you move some place until after you leave. So I have another few weeks to figure that out. And I am beginning to experience what it means to love and to be loved and be able to receive that love. This is real cool! Shivering cool sometimes!! LOL!!

I am taking the time in my leaving to really experience the loss of leaving this place that harbored me and the amazing women and men I have met. In leaving I am noticing the sadness and grief I am experiencing. And the caring I feel for those I am leaving and will never have the same casual and purposeful relationship with. I even let the mind to wonder why I am leaving these people I have finally opened my heart to. And I know it is only in the leaving that I have the perspective to see how welcomed i have been. And I am grateful for this place of seeing and the heart that is receiving, even at a distance.

Too late, I am reminded, the condo is sold, the boxes are being packed and a new physical space is awaiting me; as is my next opportunity to open my heart and not wait for them to open theirs. Maybe I will do it differently this time. Maybe these wonderful people who await me, know me so well and love me so much that I can walk in with an open heart. And maybe I will go there ready to receive their attention and appreciation for who I am, this amazing woman doing her personal best.

and is true, things are changing all the time and there is always another opportunity to face the fear and manage the delicate balance between connected and separate, the circle and line dance.