This morning I pulled the Death card from my Motherpeace deck. This is the last day of 5771, i remind myself as I read what Vicki Noble writes 'this is not about a physical death, only a metaphor for some experience of dying and rebirth'.
I had just decided to write an entry in my blog. And when I began the 'title' section, i could only think that this is an ending of four years of writing in this blog. I have, with the encouragement of Tim, my beloved Buddhist therapist, begun creating a book of the last four years' musings. I have been even imagining reading from the completed book to my students of mindfulness-meditation. So it will happen, after I figure out how to work blurb!
I sit with tears coming down my face. How do I say good bye to this ritual of writing The Society of the Vav? How do I end this love affair i have had with the Hebrew letter Vav? I do not want to say good bye, adieu, ciao! For that would leave emptiness. And G!D forbid I should feel that bottomless pit of emptiness!!
And how do i know it is over? Where will I go? Who will i be if i am not a Vavnik? or will i be that forever whether i write or not? So many questions, so few answers. Letting go is a powerful exercise for me in this moment.
I ask myself, 'What would the Vav say?'...and I hear, "once a connection is made it is never severed. " I am a vav-nik forever and I am learning what it means to be connected with family, friends, nature, to trust this connection and to trust me even more to know I can take care of myself. i am amazing and there is work left to do that is all mine, along with others. I am on a mission to heal the world, one heart at a time. And I am learning my skills and refining them as i move through the River of Light.
The first entry of the Society of the Vav was on listening. And I am continuing in learning how to listen. I am learning what it means to listen to the inner voice, the G!D within me. She is so wise. Like the character in Ntozake Shange's 'For Colored Girls Who Consider Suicide When the Rainbow is not Enuff" I am owning that G!D is within me. The Indwelling Divine Spirit, Shekhinah, She dwells within and I need to listen to the still voice not just the loud ones that say "you are going for a trip around the world" or "I want to be a rabbi". The more subtle ones, that demand i be quiet and be still, to slow down so the wind does not distort the sounds and words coming through me to me. That is being kind to myself, treating myself as if I were my own lover. I am a life long learner, thank G!D! Other wise I would be up a creek without a paddle!! LOL!!
So this is how I will leave you, with an end, a celebration of what has come and an and...
And, of course, a blessing:
As I watched the sun set on this last day of 5771, I mused on how grateful I am for your Presence in my life
and I wondered
am i ready for this Rosh Hashanah and what she will bring?
Not that it matters, she is going to come anyway,
and I , i am going to welcome Her with open arms and an open heart!
Who would turn away sweetness and joy?
Shanah Tova u'Mituka, Tikateivu v'tikateimu!
May this year be good and sweet
and may you and all you hold dear be written and sealed in the Book of Life for yet another year!
And if that does not happen, may we come together to support each other through the narrow spaces,
knowing Love is always there to comfort. And we are love!
blessings of joy and sweetness, health and love in 5772!