Thursday, March 19, 2009

Letting Myself Back Into My Heart

Blessings of being Awake: I did not know I had let myself out of my heart and then I read the thought for today 'I forgive myself for not doing all I had I promised myself because I did not feel good enuf.' As soon as I read it I knew I had been journeying away from me, my G!D and my heart. I could feel the visceral movement through the layers of protection I surround my heart with.
Spiritual Challenge: Today something woke me up and I am noticing something is missing and I am out of alignment. The web site is launched and I am scared; can i follow through? I am more visible, out there in my eyes and the old fears around being safe and doing it 'right' arises. Can I notice these thoughts and keep believing in me even when I am sitting in not knowing? Moses says to Pharoah when trying to have the whole community leave slavery at one time, 'We will not know how we are to serve G!D until we arrive there.' I am a life longer learner of how to love me in each moment and it is fun doing this exploring.
Spiritual Practice: I can still hear Stephen Levine's voice 'let your self back into your heart' and I remember the visceral response to doing as I was directed. I can do this each moment; a simple breath, a thought and yes I am here. No longer the wandering Jew. I am back in my heart with my G!D and me. And in this moment I am smiling and laughing, opening my mouth, relaxing all the muscles of my face being young at heart, body and mind! Home I say to myself as tears well and my heart sings; Row, row, row my boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream!
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

I am reb TZiPi and I am here to recruit you

Blessings of being awake: As I cut out the phrase ‘I got milk’ from the magazine ad I felt I had shifted to thinking instead of intuiting. And I was compelled not to give up on my intuition and to place the phrase on my project that I was I making at the collage workshop. The theme was ‘who I am in this moment’. The word ‘milk’ reminded me of Harvey Milk and the powerful phrase he began his speeches with, 'Hi, I’m Harvey Milk and I am here to recruit you.' This dead gay political activist had become one of my heroes.
Spiritual Challenge: I was dropping my aunt’s at the airport and as we drove by a sign I read it out loud and Aunt Estelle sitting in the passenger seat said ‘what did you say?’ I repeated the words and then laughing said I have the Abrams trait of reading signs out loud. She laughed for she knows she does that and Aunt Frannie in the back leaned forward and said ‘you don’t have Abrams traits you have your dad’s trait of warm and friendly and we need each other attitude’. She was right even if I do not like admitting how much like my dad I am. And my responsibility and challenge is to honor that trait and make it mine. I do stand on his shoulders. As a Jew I know how life affirming it is to have allies and holding the intention that we need each other helps in walking the path of Oneness and not separation that is so psychically painful. And moving beyond my doubting mind and trusting in people’s goodness is a challenge for me as I get close to people.
Spiritual Practice: I am a Vav-nik and am living an inclusive life’ I speak into the mirror and continue with ‘Hi, I am rabbi TZiPi Radonsky and I am here to recruit you to be a Vav-nik to stand up tall and be the leader you were born to be.’ I thought about my ancestor Sarah and wondered if she ever said, 'Hi, Hebrews, I am Sarah and I am here to recruit you to believe in The One Unknowable God.' Someone recently said they never heard of a Vav-nik and yet had heard of a Lamed Vavnik. I quickly responded, 'being a Vav-nik is the first step in becoming a Lamed Vavnik.' A Lamed Vavnik in Mystical Hebrew Wisdom is one of the 36 righteous people alive in the world at any given time. They are ordinary people who humbly hold the mystical key to mending the world.

Hi, sister and brother leader, I am reb TZiPi and I am here to recruit you. I am on a mission to make the world a better place through ‘de-butting’ the world and I am asking for your support.

i feel known and you can’t get better than that

Blessings of being awake: I have heard Tziporah say with her passionate, heavy Brooklyn accent ‘he got me’ and I could feel her heart softening into joy and delight. My heart joined my friend’s and I was not remembering then an experience of 'being gotten' that I would have stopped me in my tracts so that I would spontaneously say out loud 'she got me!'. Andrea once spontaneously told me 'I want to be known’ and I heard this deep intuitive response from my very private introverted daughter and wanted this for her and yet was not quite sure what that would look like for me.
Spiritual Challenge: Being' known' or being ‘gotten’ requires me to 'show up' be bold with my energy and light; to be my Self, a leader among leaders, a priest among priests. Rabbi Lawrence Kushner writes in his Book of Letters about the letter vav, that it stands erect in its uniqueness, confident in being separate among others and linking with others to create a whole unity. I am learning that only when I am willing to risk being seen do I have more chances of being 'gotten' and 'known'.
For about the last 9 years on Friday afternoon I have tried to connect with my daughters, fill them in on my life and ask what is happening in theirs and bless them with a Shabbat Shalom, a Sabbath of peace and wholeness. This Friday Andrea called me and was most energetic as she told me about Oprah’s guest today, Dustin Lance Black, Academy Award winner for the screenplay written directly for the screen for the movie Milk. She explained that her excitement was two fold; one she was deeply moved by his story and second the movie Milk had not come to Beaufort that she knew of and she voiced her frustration about the kinds of films that came and the duration of their stay. "I will get to see it, yet' she said with great determination.
In her initiating of this conversation I felt deeply connected to my daughter in this tender place of needing to be known and now as I remember the conversation I again am noticing the emotions as tears well and fall on my cheeks. And I in that moment smiled; I had been gotten by my first daughter, my friend who was committed to loving and knowing me and my ‘difference’ and all within her very homophobic world. For the first time that I can remember she was the one who brought up this important place for me and I was able to take her knowing me into my body and rejoice in being gotten by her.
Spiritual Practice: The phrase ‘known’ in biblical Hebrew translates to a sexual experience as ‘Adam knew Eve.’ And as I heard with Andrea and saw in the movie Lost in Translation an erotic, fully alive moment, can happen without sex when the main characters enjoy each other in a long-into-the-night collaborative conversation. Coming-out or self-disclosing can be as easy as getting dressed in your favorite clothes or as hard as stating an opposing opinion to a new friend. My practice is to notice when I withhold me from coming-out and love that frightened part. So I have begun taking voice lessons and playing with coming out from my whole body in all kinds of new ways in a safe place. And maybe get to know me and get me in whole new ways!