Monday, August 29, 2011

Practicing Surrender

Banyan tree, WPB, 1973; Being held by the Divine community.

I went on a work and play road trip to NC this last week, driving from Beaufort, SC to Greensboro to Asheville and Brevard NC and then back home. I drove blind. You read correctly. I turned on my GPS and prayed.

I did not look at the map that sat in my glove compartment. I did not have my Google map print-out nor did I call any one on the phone and to ask them to guide me on their Google.

I set the Nuvi and prayed and took direction. And since I was the only one in the car, I could not look too often as I had agreed to not look at it while driving.

I get chills up my spine when I think about how brave I was to let go of my deeeeep need to be fiercely independent and follow the legacy of my parents. I thought often, why am I doing this? I like seeing the whole picture. I adore knowing where I am going! Do I need another gadget? And knowing those are the words of a woman who does not like change and who wants to be practical!

I was also hearing in my head Ilana's voice, asking me 'why won't I let anyone help me?' And the other voice of mine saying, what kind of a role model are you to your daughter? Do you want her to build walls of 'i can do it myself, thank you' too!?

This is a big one! Letting go is soooo hard!

And it is good practice this surrendering. And it is only to a machine. And i practicing learning family in my new home, learning i am not alone, learning about being connected and learning how to JUST receive the love of others.

And I must admit I am slow extending the net to practice believing in the the unconditional love of my G!D. And I am learning this too. And that I also can learn to love me, even after all these years. With the help of learning to take down the walls and experience the love given.

So, thanks, Ruthie, for encouraging me to buy my first GPS and Ginny for helping me practice receiving love from my anam cara. And to everyone else who have been patient with this heart and still wants me in their life.

Elul begins tomorrow night. The thirty days of blowing the shofar to wake my soul up and bring me back to my true self commences at sundown . Thirty days of practicing and learning so on the anniversary of the beginning of the world, the next new moon, I will be ready to forgive myself for all the moments when i doubted my lovableness and invite me back into my heart and celebrate the beginning of the Rosh Hashanah, the New Year, 5772.

And I am learning to believe in the concept of a learning community and that i am smart enough to learn while living within the boundaries of this physical reality. I must be loved! LOL!! Why else would i do this!!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Circumcise Your Heart and Do Not Have Such a Stiff Neck

Will You help me practice the uncovering of my heart so I can consciously know, be viscerally aware that I am receiving unconditionally love from the Mayan Raz, eternal spring?

Will you be my mirror and my partner to support me in experiencing that i am safe in this world to receive the universal love that is available? I want to face the fears that keep my heart protected and begin to know what it feels like to feel worthy of receiving unconditional love, without strings. I have felt moments of this love, as during my ordination, an expansive, glorious, sweet, adoring love. I also feel deep love of and connectedness with my daughters. I want to also receive there love.

In meditation this morning, in following the circular movement of the mind from Here to there and back to Here, i experienced an awareness of how covered i keep my heart. And that the phrase from the Torah that I have had a strong relationship with, circumcise your heart and don't have a stiff neck, was a message to me personally. I began to cry, deep sobs of awareness.

I know now that I learned an internal stance in childhood to lean over, hunch my shoulders, keep my head down, my hands over the chest and groin and lean forward into the wind. That was the only way i could move with people and be safe, keep my heart protected, and exist until i could become aware of other ways of being; to live my life fully open, head up, shoulders back, chest exposed to the elements knowing i could take very good care of myself and that i am lovable and safe. And I could create sacred space where I would engage in crucial conversations and learn about me within a relationship.

I am no longer willing to use my energy to keep my heart covered. I have other things to do with that energy. I feel expressive and I am no longer tongue tied.

Will you play with me? Will you be my partner and be open to love, unconditional love that speaks from the heart-mind, body-spirit, that engages all of me in a compassionate and kind manner and creating sacred space to allow us both to be Present.

Are you ready for me? Am I ready for me to be out and naked and fully alive in the world? Can there be three amazing women in one family? YES!!!! and...... LOL!!!!

I must uncover this heart and be open to change for if I do not, it will be done for me! And that is what I read in the Holy Scriptures.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Disorientation and the Antidote

I am sitting having lunch looking out at the gorgeous blue sky and wide expanse of water dotted with white boats.

And my eyes wisp by my car, also outside my window, and something is not right. The color on the back of the car has changed. Then I remember my new license plate! And I wake up and laugh!

There are so many things like that happening as I adjust mentally and emotionally to my new space, town and culture. So many things to learn. So much to understand to be emotionally safe here and feel like I am a contributing member to my chosen community. Funny how important it is to me to give.

And I think about automatic thinking and mindfulness. And how I live my life depending on things being the same. Like a blind person who learns their space and gets thrown off balance when things change. Am I that blind woman, yearning for the familiar? Yes and.......

And I am a teacher and practitioner of improvization, mindfulness practice and compassion and loving-kindness. And I laugh as I am still learning. I am not ready to 'catch the wave'!

And the enlightenment I yearn for? It happens in moments only! I smile at my settling with this knowing.

And I notice how inter-dependent I am on everything that happens to keep me awake. Soon I will be blowing my shofar every day to remind me to wake up and come home to my true self. Some days the shofar will be just another experience to add to all the others, like the change in color of my license plate, to keep me awake as I walk the path, laughing at the gifts that welcome me home. And I do not have to do anything except to keep walking and staying awake.

Deep breath!!!