Intro to the kaddish

Wild iris growing in the North of Israel by the zip line.
In the Spring of 2007, my Grandson Ashby and I traveled with hundreds of other teenages and adults from all over the world in the March of the Living. We spent one week touring and experiencing Poland and one week learning Israel. On our first day in Warsaw, we visited the Jewish cemetary and as I walked silently through the winding rows, I found I had wandered away from the group to the edges of the cemetary. I came across many tombstones that lay one atop of another, on their side and in ravines covered with dead leaves, vines and debris. Our leader had told us that many of these cemetaries were not being kept up and yet this area felt more lonely and forgotten and I felt a deep sadness as well as a righteous anger.

When I returned back to the USA, I was aware of a deep need to honor my journey and those who had been abandoned and been victims of hate. I had already been standing for many years to say Kaddish for all those who have no one to honor their memory. Yet, because of my experiences in Poland and Israel I now understood and recited the words that praised the Work of the Divine with feelings and images that connected me to these lands and people.

In the fall of 2009, it had been a little over a year since I had finished the eleven months of saying Kaddish for my Father of blessed memory when my Mother suddenly and tragically died. A week after her accident I was traveling for work and alone in a hotel room. I felt lonely and in my grief compelled to recite the ancient rhythmic chant Aramaic words that I had been speaking with my daughters, neighbors and friends the previous week. I know that traditionally one says the Kaddish in the presence of a Minyan, ten men. Yet, that has not been my custom and as I stood by the window looking at the sun setting and began reading the words that I had come to know so well, I hoped my G!D would understand that my intention was more important than the rules. And as I spoke, I sensed the room beginning to fill with the energy of souls dressed in the various winter garb of the people of Eastern Europe during World War II. I was in awe and I was deeply moved and comforted by Presence and felt soothed by their compassion as remembered the truth that I am never alone.

Blessings of the Vav: In those moments, I became aware, as others before me, of the power of the words of this prayer that honors transitions that occur during death; Kaddish Yatum, the Mourner's Kaddish, a prayer to be said by the 'orphan' with the intention to remind the heart and and offer a paradoxical state to the mind that in the midst of grief and sorrow there is an amazing world that we inhabit. for me consciousness is being awake and is the first step toward healing my broken heart and if I can hold both the grief and the joy, only then is healing possible for me.

A Retreat in the Moment

Blessings of Being Awake: I had an amazing moment this morning that I want to remember so I am writing to get clear with what happened! As i sat in meditation i noticed a feeling, that I can only define as 'refreshed', an experience I have had on long silent retreats. And the feeling lasted for quite a while, even now i can conjure the emotion up and i smile. Delicious!
Spiritual Challenge: To keep doing and being while being open to the surprises that gift me like the sweet orange blossom aroma that wafted my way as I rolled down the windows last week driving through central Florida. The traffic had slowed down and I had felt stuffy in my air conditioned car and wanted some fresh air. What a sweet aroma delight!!!
Spiritual Practice: keep being faithful to me by setting aside the time in the morning to just sit and focus on the miracle of a body that breathes all by itself. So today I sat by the open windows, connecting with the natural world and listened to the birds and felt the sun on my body as my chest rose and fell with each inspiration and expiration. And maybe I will know that the Divine Holy One of Blessing is in this place and that i am Home.
Blessings of the Vav: In traditional Judaism we count 49 days or sheaves of wheat called Omers between the second day of Passover and the giving of the Torah, Shavuot. In mystical Hebrew Wisdom we do this with the intention of refining our soul so we can receive the Torah as free people worthy of this holy gift. An emotion, or characteristic associated with G!D, is focused on each week and another for each day. This first week is loving-kindness and yesterday was bonding. Loving kindness is getting easier for me to hold, especially with myself and bonding is something that has seemed foreign and unlearn-able to me since I began this practice several years ago. Yet, in the practice of being a Vav and holding onto an 'and' mode of never giving up, always having hope and knowing that 'this too will pass', I still held the intention for 24 hours that I might have some insight into how to bond. I think today i bonded and the Most Holy One of Blessings was there and i took my shoes off my feet and i saw the burning bush that was not consumed and i heard my name called and tears flowed as i had arrived at an awesome Place i never thought i would experience. And in this moment I said 'Halleluyah', knowing that sometimes you can only know the Divine after She has visited.

I Need to Sleep with Competition

picture: A tree grows in the Negev: this poem was written as a weaving of the study of Sarah, the first Matriarch of Hebrew Wisdom and this author's spiritual autobiography.

I need to sleep with competition
I want to know her intimately
her curves, lines and jagged edges
Her ins and outs
The dark hidden places and those that protrude

I need to embrace her, love her
for unless i really know her
she will constantly be there ready to trip me up
make me small and limit my possibilities

I need to clean myself of the sin of
Adam who thought he was not good enough
to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge

I need to heal my self
from the pain of separation Kayn felt
from his brother as he compared
came up less and then destroyed a part of himself

I do not want the pain of your envy
to constrict my heart
to keep me from seeing the beauty
of the One who held me before i was born
who loved me before she knew me
whose heart was broken by the one
she trusted to care for her and all she loved.

Dear Sarah, what was it like to compete
with your sister-friend Hagar for God's gift to each of you?
What happened and has never been mended?
Was it the man who divided you because
he did not know how to love each for your unique gifts?

Or was this God's plan all along - we were
never to do it right - only learn from
life and missed opportunities.

Blessings of the Vav: we are all One, connected to the each other, impacting, responding, blessing, intruding.

Taking the Crap off the Soul

Blessing of Being Awake: So for two days I have been crying and wiping my nose! I am not crying all the time and yet when i do start to cry it is deep and long, and I am coughing-up whatever i have been holding in! It must be purging time! Spring is here and love is around the corner.

Spiritual Challenge: I am walking in the confluence of two streams; the deep dark night of the soul and in the eternal light of a pure soul. I know that what I am experiencing, major unloveable-ness, relates to the grief around my mother's death and her unworthiness I am trying to peal off. It is not the whole truth so i am not giving in to self doubt, just watching. I must admit i am also trying to figure out how to get through this.

Spiritual Practice: This is the moment i have been practicing for. I will call friends to cry with, just for them to listen. I will sit outside and get some sun. I will take a bath and soak in the water. I will only care for me as there is no energy for anyone else right now. I will love me as I make my way through the darkness that covers parts of the soul and i will breath deeply and hold on, the roller coaster has just hit the top of the hill and I will be coming off my seat as i hold on for dear life! And I will hold on.

Blessings of the Vav is that this too will pass, i am making a friend of time and there is a deep learning here and there is a hope that maybe I can speak from an authentic place to help someone else through their dark, dank and narrow place. And all of this is love!

Endless Exciting Dreams

Blessings of Being Awake: In Greensboro a few weeks ago I went with Gay to a wonderful art show called Embodying. Yes!, I said to myself as I walked around the art space, and was inspired by the amazing creative and daring artists! I began thinking about my unfinished projects at home and how to pull them together. I going to introduce the quilted circumcised heart with the paper mache' bust! I felt the excitement of new beginnings and thought 'Art, that is my new love!!'

Last week on the cruise, Geri needed some health support and i offered to do some energy work and also to use some new healing cream on her sore places. As I rubbed the cream into her skin, she commented on how good it felt and asked if I was trained as a message therapist. 'No', I smiled and said shyly, that I had gotten that commen before.' I love choosing the people I touch for healing and thought, maybe this is where i need to put my energy!' I could study and be a good massage therapist.

Before i went on the cruise i facilitated the coaching skills group and I got high on the collaboration with the men i worked with. It was fun and I came home thinking i need and want to do more more of this!! And i began thinking of who i could expand my practice and do good int he world.

Spiritual Challenge: When I first came out i bought a t-shirt that said , 'So many women…So little time.' I was just beginning to imagine what i would 'do' with all these women and I certainly appreciated the idea!!

Now I am feeling 'So many loves….So little time.' And I want to go deep with the time I have left on this earth. I want to be good at one thing and be noted for it and i want it to be something that gives pleasure and energy to people as it heals them and I.

I have so much to learn to be able to do that. What shall that be? I ask myself 'what am I playing with already that needs to be opened further, like the vagina upon giving birth. What am i about to drop from my womb? Who will i be, where will i live, who will be my lover or friend? So many unanswered questions, so much to learn. How do I discipline the mind?

Spiritual Practice: So today the question arises, tomorrow another piece of the puzzle will arrive and for today all i have to do is be in receiving mode! So I am noticing my heart open and tears falling, emotions high. And to notice without judging myself and just expanding into the love that is already there holding me.

Blessings of the Vav: whether hidden or revealed the Vav sparks an unending-ness to life and pushes the game of wonder from the back burner to the front!! It is boiling and i cannot not help but to notice it!

And G!D was in this Place and I i Did Not Know

Blessings of Being Awake: as we relaxed under the Mexican sun, Alexis spoke her wisdom into the group, 'women are naturally competitive' and everyone agreed and I had to catch my breath. I had never thought of us in that way. I know my aunts are competitive with each other, my mother was competitive with me and my daughters are competitive with me. Yet, I had never thought of it as a characteristic of all women. I spent several days musing on her words becoming lighter, no longer weighted by 'just me' syndrome and more enlightened with each breath.

Spiritual Challenge: Feelings of competition and envy are why i asked Phyllis if we could adopt each other. I wanted to do something with these feelings that were interrupting my end of our friendship. I love Phyllis, like I love my daughters, i love my Mother and I know the many times i sensed its presence and steered around it, never exposing her, always aiding this turret, letting the walls remain between our hearts. I remember in my writings on Sarah for my ordination expressing in a poem the toxicity of competition with a deep need to get to know her deeply, every crevice so that there would be little unknown rocks hidden that could keep our hearts apart. Now having a perspective that these feelings were female-relational linked and not just mine was so freeing. I felt as if someone had had just cleansed an opaque windshield that had prevented me from seeing the whole picture and in this moment my soul felt cleansed from the toxic energy that keeps me in judging mind and separated from my sisters everywhere!!! I felt as if i had found the holy grail for which I did not know i had been searching! And i thought how can i hold onto this truth and not let it slip through the cracks of life. Drink for it!

Spiritual Practice: Laugh, what else can i do but laugh at my-our competitive spirit and then laugh some more no longer constricted from seeing my own beauty by these feelings. And then remember the wisdom of; 'do not covet' and 'be the best you that you can be' and 'your success is your deepest fear' and it is all about 'personal best' and consider 'power with' not over or under as Starhawk teaches. To live 'together anything is possible!'


Blessings of the Vav: In Hebrew Wisdom we are told we carry two notes, one in each pocket. One note says 'I am just dust' and the other 'the world was created for me'. This interpretation of humility, 'knowing your place and taking your space' is untying me from past thinking and behavior. No longer strangulated, i am empowered with this information that can only save my life and perhaps that of others. And I am so glad i was listening as my new sister-friend spoke truth into the wind and i heard and wove her wisdom into my being. May I continue to live the truth that the Divine lives within everyone and I can learn from everyone including me. I am a Vav-nik, standing tall in my uniqueness and hooked to every other Vav-nik healing our world!

Being Distracted

Blessings of Being Awake: "So you lost both your parents in the last 2 years …that is a lot, especially for an only child," a new acquaintance said in response to telling her how I ended up in Florida. I was so pleased that my sunglasses blocked her from seeing the welling up in my eyes as my throat tightened and I did not speak as we turned to focus our attention on getting organized for the kayak expedition.

Spiritual Challenge: My neck is tight, my shoulders have rocks in them and I miss my mother. And i get a massage for the shoulder pain and what do i do with these feelings? And I wonder about how I can remember the gift she gave me of unconditional love and let that soothe the ache in my heart that arise spontaneously.

Spiritual Practice: Taking time to be gracious with myself by mourning and grieving for this primary relationship. So I have committed and set an intention to creating an art piece in her memory. She would love that a lot since she too was an artist.

Blessings of the Vav: Being able to hold the pain of loss and the joy of our relationship as all is truth, the whole story. So in her memorial i will show pictures of both cemeteries, not well cared for and the joy of being alive! The Kaddish as a work of art in awe of the awesomeness of life given.