Hit and Run

My sister and I were having ones of those 'cross the bridge' conversations. Where I was bothered about something that had happened between us and I had asked to 'cross the bridge' so we could talk to each other outside the distractions of our everyday life.

She had done something that left me going off by myself to take care of myself. My heart was walled up and defended and underneath I was sad, angry, and feeling abandoned. And I was not going to tell anyone that. I had learned a long time ago to shove all those feelings under the mat of the covering of my heart.

In our conversation, she was able to hear me and I was able to hear that she has a habit of 'hit and run.' In that moment, she is not in control of her feelings and instead of staying and talking about what she is feeling, she says what she needs to say and runs away. I could absolutely hear that. For one reason, I love her and want to stay in relationship with this long time sister-friend. Secondly, I know I have done that same behavior.

Dissociation, running away from the now, is the other side of consciousness, to quote Tim, my therapist. And as I move to being more awake in my life, i am choosing to run less and "be here now", to quote that famous psychologist turned Hindu guru follower.

So, I ask myself what is so hard about being here? Can I notice my discomfort and breathe into it like I do on the massage table when the 'spot' touched is so painful and needs the oxygen to free the toxins, untie the knotted muscle?

Am I really wanting to free my soul from whatever covers her pureness and to open the doors to possibilities when I stay present?

Do I want to admit my faith in something bigger than me, playing with me, keeping me hoping for love?

What are you thinking today about time, being conscious, love possibilities and freedom?