I Think I am Falling in Love With G!D!

Holding the paradox of real life: hard and soft, sharp and sweet, cold and warm, at the Israeli-Lebanon border, 'The Good Fence', Metula, Israel.
The other day, I heard and felt a voice that thought about falling in love with G!D. And it felt good this thought. It felt good right in the middle of my body, expanding my heart, just a little bit with a sense of joy. I was shy about it and let it be. Then I thought, "what would my friends say if I told them I was falling in love with G!D?" "Who cares!" my adolescent voice said. Maybe I need new friends. And how many would think I was strange? And they do already, I laughed out loud at that thought!

Then, when I started to ponder the idea further, as my interest was peeked, I tried to figure how to fall in love with G!D. Of course, this mountain in front of me is my responsibility to climb, to determine what falling in love with G!D really truly means. And then, I started to feel awkward and and inept, as there must be only one way of falling in love with G!D. And I, poor me, did not know the 'right' way to do it! And all the ideas that started to flow into my consciousness sounded 'not good enuff', in my estimation. They were ideas like, "become orthodox". And as much as I love structure and order, that world is too far one way for me. I want an interfaith, multi-racial, multi-generational community. Like Brooklyn!

Then the thought came "maybe I do not have to figure out how to fall in love with G!D. I can let G!D tell me, show me what G!D needs from me. Then that G!D will know that I am in love with G!D".

And then I thought, "get simple, basic... " I am made in the likeness of G!D and maybe all I have to do is love me and that would be loving G!D. Then I wondered if I was being blasphemous. I have to do it right, you see, to be good.

Now this sounds convoluted and a little unsure of myself. And that is just where I am now in terms of my relationship with The One Who Hardens Peoples Hearts and Who is the Compassionate One, Who Is Without End, being what god will be. I was trying to invoke the Loving-Kindness of the One Who Connects Us All of a three letter word.

I do not believe there is a personal G!D and yet I do have my own personal relationship with the Source of All Blessings. I wonder what the difference is? I decided this is academic and one way thinking. How can anyone prove that their way is right or wrong of loving G!D? There can be as many ways of loving G!D as there are people on the planet. And maybe G!D may not be the word some use, preferring Source, Higher Power, The Light. There are so many languages that describe this energy that is no where and everywhere. And I do not think that any of those words involve violence, greed, killing, abuse, dishonesty or disconnecting. And I know that a seed bursting forth through the earth or animals who kill for survival or giving birth as the head reshapes itself and the vagina widens and the womb pushes the infant from its cocoon is painful.

So, I will continue to seek and be open to receiving the feeling I felt when the thought feeling arose within me. Maybe it is around the next corner, maybe I am on the edge of fulfillment soon to find the missing piece of the puzzle and the door bell will ring and some one will offer me a million dollars for winning the lottery for falling in love with G!D.

Laughing out loud, I place my head on my pillow, hoping sleep will come, and then I, like the seekers before me, will dream sweet dreams of finding home, knowing we will wake in the morning refreshed and reunited with the soul we took life for, ready to seek fulfillment again, and again and again.

As you see, I will never complete the puzzle, until my life is over. And only The One knows when that is... maybe. Who knows and Who ain't tellin'! So here I go again, walking the path of my deepest desire, swerving off and on, always returning to open my heart to Love.