There is Nothing Sorry About You

Blessings of Being Awake: I am aware that I am hearing the word sorry very often lately. For example; 'I am sorry I shut the door in your face' or 'I am so sorry about your mother's death' or 'so sorry I did not mean to hurt you' or 'I am so sorry I forgot to call and say thank you for the gift.' It seems people are trying to be kind and regretful of their behavior and others' unhappiness and in the the use of the phrase 'I'm sorry' they are not saying what they really mean. I'm sorry is used in place of 'Wow, I wasn't watching the door' or 'you must be experiencing so many emotions at you mother's death' or 'my intention was not to hurt you' or 'oops that was not kind of me to not let you know I received your gift'.

Spiritual Challenge : When someone speaks to me those words I have been saying 'there is nothing sorry about you.' If they are paying attention they usually smile and agree with me. I do not want to be right. I want to remind others and me to live up to our bigness. I am trying to go beyond my disappointment and anger and frustration when I sent our holiday gift-checks and heard nothing! I had to dig deep this time to care for myself, to look at what I have and choose down stream thinking! Saying thank you to those who bring me to the untruth thoughts of separation and isolation takes a lot of inner work. Since I have chosen to love me I am working hard to take deep breaths and think in 'ands' and paradoxes.

Spiritual Practice: Knowing there is nothing sorry about me and I have chosen 'peace of mind' over being stuck in narrow places and a slave to my thoughts I am choosing to act in truth and love as if the amazing people in my life are interrelated with me and to reach out to them. I decided that when I do not hear from them I am no longer going to linger or wonder or wait. I texted them to find out if they received the gifts. And what gifts I received, more than I ever expected, a continued and deepened relationship! Another gift from You, thank us for staying in touch!
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Meditation is Saving My Life

This post was originally written as if mediation had saved my life and now I was onto other things. The truth is that meditation was the first step toward learning to live with me and the world and my evolving mindfulness practice where I am being kind to my self, opposing the mind that loves to doubt, judge, numb and suffer. I have changed the title of this essay to reflect an on going meditation practice. So when you read this essay take that into consideration. Thank you.

Blessings of Being Awake: So again I am giving attention to the fractals in my life and oh how I love patterns that repeat themselves as within them I feel held and order reigns. And I know better than that as even each part of a fractal is not the same they just fall together in love.

I have also noticed that I am talking with several of my coaching clients more regularly of the importance of having a spiritual practice. I often use myself as a model for them and when I tell them about my meditation practice that developed into a mindfulness practice I often use the phrase ‘it saved my life.’ And I believe it did.

In September of 1996, right before the rainy season, I arrived on the island of Koh Pang Ghan in the south of Thailand and hired a young man to carry me and my backpack up the mountain on his motor scooter. I was on my way to the Buddhist monastery Wat Kow Tom for ten days of silence. Rosemary and Steven were the best teachers I ever experienced. They did everything in their power to make it emotionally safe to just be; provided an order of the day with written instructions available to all on the dining room bulletin board, followed through with what they said they would do as have the times of our personal schedules displayed at a certain time and modeled their simple teachings. Those ten days were full of learnings and experiences I value to this day and say a deep thank you!

Spiritual Challenge: My new teachers knew about the mind that loves to wander even race from thought to thought, emotion to emotion. They knew the mind loves to suffer. And they knew we were here to make the world a better place. I knew the first two were true; I had lived what all they spoke of. And I was grateful to have lived as long to learn I am not alone. From my Hebrew Wisdom teaching I understand making the world a better place, Tikkun Olam-healing the world- and with self love I am learning I can be a part of making a difference.

Now with an opening heart carefully being circumcised I can appreciate the universal truths of Hebrew Wisdom that keep me mindful of the moment helping me to learn to live with my Self in peace, Shalom, and as Shalem, whole. Distractions come like fractals challenging me to stay true to me and my values of ‘that is all we need is love…da da da da da.’ I remember a long time ago balking at some young women students who told me they loved me; what do they know of love I thought to myself while being graciously polite. Now I do beleive that more and more each day.

Spiritual Practice: To believe and act on the truth that the Body is my holy friend, the Indwelling Presence of the Divine. From paying attention to Her I learn what to eat, when to sleep, when to stay away from something and when to do more! And I have so much still to learn as I am just a beginner.

For at least two years and every day at the Monastery I said the following words and when I said them as a mantra the mind eventually settled down and the heart opened to possibilities:
May I have great compassion for myself as I notice and then let go of the fear, anger, worry, doubt and ignorance, may I preserve my well being
May I continue to have the patience, courage, wisdom and faith to face the problems and challenges that come my way, may I have peace of mind.

My spiritual practice is evolving with prayer, solitude, creativity and building deeper relationships with my G!D, me and others in my life; the many pieces and multiple realities of an improvisational life. I am a Vav-nik of course what else could be true? I read The Shack a few weeks ago and was surprised at how it helped deepen my G!D link. When in tight places I call out 'Mah Yakar Hasedecha', how Precious is Your Loving Kindness' or recite in Hebrew the 13 attributes of G!D and find myself back in relationship with Her and me at least until the next distraction.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Musing on the Moment

Blessings of staying awake: As I prepared to open my home for a celebration of creating my very new real home and the lighting of the first Chanukah lights I took a moment to write these notes.

Dear Ones,
At this point in time of the longest day, the Winter Solstice,
and the shortest night,
as we move into the 25th of Kislev, the first night of Chanukah
and a celebration-dedication of my living space by raising the sides of my tent
and welcoming the souls who have soothed my transitional move
I think of you in other physical places and held tenderly here in my heart.

My blessings go to you of peace of mind and heart
Of joy and befriending of the moment
Of friendship and a deep full breath
to ease adjustments to whatever 2009 will bring.

And may each word of the blessings we say strengthen us
Open our eyes to the beauty around us
And to the abundance of what we have
And may we each feel the Love available any time.

Happy Chanukah, Joyous Solstice, Happy Kwanza and Merry Merry Christmas!

TZiPi

Spiritual Challenge: To keep my heart open so that I can continue to write from it and receive the love that comes back. Also to have the patience with myself and others when i am thrown a curve ball and my knees are not as loose as I would like and I trip on my own expectations. Oh, being human is tough some time! I am feeling drained from having so many people in my space for 3 hours and being the host which i love and i love my quietude also. Taking a hot bath would be great instead of answer the e-mails, washing the floor and returning all I borrowed.

Spiritual Practice: To stop; breathe deeply, smiles with happy eyes and laugh at me. I am in such a habit of judging me when I do not live up to my own expectations..I have to remember to notice and remember I am fluid not a stone!!!!!

Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Challenges of Holding Multiple Realities

Blessings of Staying Awake: Years ago I went to several workshops on the Enneagram and learned I was a 'Four'. To me that meant I was in the caring group and I had a strong need to be different. I felt comfortable with that category. Then recently I took an on-line questionnaire based on the Enneagram and I still came out a Four. I was relieved at the consistency and I began thinking of the blessings and curses of uniqueness. My need to be unique often isolates me and keeps me righteous and judging and gives me a flare if I dare to let my true colors fly.

This Thanksgiving morning as I lay on the grass overlooking the inter-coastal waterway being led through stretching my mind and body in various Pilates poses a thought crossed my mind. My uniqueness that I hold onto for dear life is also everyone's gift from the Divine. And I then asked myself 'Why was I trying so hard to value it as better?' I laughed at my child who screams 'Mine!' not wanting to share. And as I heard my yoga teacher telling us that each breath was unique and not to compete with others or yourself my mind wandered to the thought how universally true that was.

My thoughts took me down the path that in Hebrew the root of the words breath and soul are the same and I was caught up in this Divine, mysterious connection. I told myself in that moment that since my soul is unique with a specific mission that competing or isolating myself only makes my mission more difficult or impossible. And I began welling up as we lay in the corpse pose and Jerry read Melody Beatty's words on self love.

Spiritual Challenge: my life is not separate scenes disconnected from each other. Each scene is vibrantly connected to another and I am connected to them in the same way. To remember what I teach as a rabbi and holder of a universal truth is that it is all about relationships whether it is to space, things, people, weather or souls and remember that I truly am never alone.

Spiritual Practice: to continue making time during the day to stop, breathe, and focus on the moment for no other reason than it is my discipline for getting what I want; a deeper relationship with my divine self that is interrelated with the world.

Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Getting the Word Out

How does an introvert express the deep desires of her heart without preaching or pushing her values and views on others? I started making specialized business cards.

Several years ago I was obsessed with asking people to pray for peace in the Middle East. I took business cards and printed on one side 'Take three minutes to pray for peace in the Middle East'.

On the other side I typed: 'Not by might and not by power but by Spirit alone shall we all live in peace' from Debbie Freedman's song based on Zacharia's prophetic words.

Then recently I was obsessed with the phrase 'Love yourself as if you were your own lover'. So I made up cards that said that on one side and the other 'Why not, you are amazing!' And I passed them out, left them in bathrooms and on shelfs where I thought they would be found.

Now I have made postcards to reflect my latest obsession to 'de-but' the world through the Hebrew Wisdom of the Vav. One side of the post card asks: Are you a Vav-nik?
Vav-nik: one who honors Hebrew Wisdom and the linking energy-intelligence of the Vav through behavior and intent. The Vav is the 6th letter of the Hebrew alphabet and is
most often translated as AND.

On the other side is written:
Vav-nik Intentions
- we can hold multiple realities and truths
- life is improvisational and one must learn to dance with the need of the moment building bridges between people and thoughts
- our individuality is our gift we bring into collaborating

Vav-nik Behaviors
- choosing to use the word AND instead of BUT
- being able to sit next to an 'enemy' and engage in authentic non judgmental conversation

Sarah Bernhardt once said to get people to know who you are you must use all modes of connection. Beside her movie and theater presence she had her name on soaps, food, paper, clothes and more than I can remember. Now her name is a word that my generation and other movie buffs are familiar with.

Perhaps by putting all this energy into honoring the linking energy of the Vav this too will become something people will think about and set the intention that we are all connected so why not treat each other with the love we are taught to give to our self; love the stranger as your self.

Blessings of Vav: there is no end to the realities and the love I can hold and the ways they can be expressed. I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Prayer to a Compassionate G!D

Yesterday I was listening to a radio show where the participants were talking about the power of prayer that helped them pass the amendment that would not only limit my rights and other lesbian and gay people in Florida and California but the rights of many people who choose not to marry and live together. I wonder who is their God who takes sides to discriminate against me?

I have a friend whose body is filled with cancerous tumors and we are beginning a prayer circle for her through the Internet. I believe in praying for healing that is about self love. What is so different about this kind of prayer? I am asking for something that does not exclude some one else's human rights.

I am asking myself why I did not consider praying that the Florida amendment not pass? Why did I think it was only necessary to pass out information, write letters, send money and talk to people. What kept me from asking my G!D to help me have the strength and courage to love and accept myself in contrast to the hatred of gays and lesbians in the world.

Rabbi Geoff says we tend to be logicians and stay in our heads forgetting we live in all four worlds: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. I needed to remember that my G!D is a G!D of compassion and I can set a Kavanah, intention, that is non-linear and inclusive and does not take sides. Since my G!D can hold in the womb of creation all; perhaps like our ancestor Rebecca with Essau and Jacob we can wrestle and both come out alive.

Hebrew Wisdom teaches that prayer comes from the heart. The wisdom of my heart knows this amendment to the Florida constitution was discriminatory and limiting. I wonder what kept me from going deeply inside, setting a Kavanah for what is the highest good for both sides and talking with my G!D? And then to listen to the voice of Chesed, loving kindness and Gevurah, strength, that both blend with the energy of the heart, Tifferet, beauty and equanimity.

So I set an intention to have more conversations with my G!D in and out of prayer.

Blessings of the Vav: sometimes I have to hold my passion, my logical thinking and my relationship with my G!D together. The questioning and wrestling with my G!D and then the deep listening may help me heal as the covering of my heart slowly melts away and for a moment I will feel a part of the world I often protect myself from.

Residuals of a Life Out of Control

Today I missed a client's appointment. My responsible respectful kind adult was not in control as my little girl focused only on her wanting to play. So after coming home from a shopping spree I hunted down a good movie and drove 30 minutes to a place I had never been to before. I was determined to do be spontaneously frivolous.

'Oh, my G!D, what have I done?' I shuttered when I checked my phone and discovered I had missed the appointment. And I was reminded of the time I had bounced a check to my therapist. As I sat in a pool of shame as a dysfunctional patient and graduate student my therapist laughed and told me of the time when she had bounced a check and realized her life was out of control.

Blessings of the Vav: some times holding all of life's realities is like attempting to juggle all the other's needs and not including myself. And all I can do is laugh, learn, forgive, apologize and move on! And thank G!D for Shabbas, a moment in time to regroup and listen deeply to the me that felt dissed and offer a gratis session to my client! Halleluyah!!!!!