A Taste of the World To Come

Blessings of Being Awake: Shabbat Shalom, blessings of a restful day full of moments of a taste of the world to come, i wish to you and to me. And I ponder the days that led up to this day.
This week in Beaufort two young men died. One took his own life and one died as a result of an accident. Both i pray have souls who are at peace and both left families and friends grieving, wondering if they could have done something differently and feeling sorrow and yearning for one more day with their friend, son, brother, lover, husband, father.....
I never met either and i have heard stories from my daughter as my grandson struggles to understand this death of a friend and peer.
This week a dear friend struggled with depression as the mind imagined a future without hope for a freedom that in her past she rarely experienced and deeply yearned for a reprieve in her life.
This week my adopted grandson told his father and his step mother he is not returning to college. He will be leaving for California to seek work and a break from the routine of the last five years.
This week I met several new people who hold possibilities of a good life for me here in the marshes and waters of the Lowcountry.  Some kind and good women and men who live outside the box of societal norms' expectations.
This week a new friend visit changed my perspective of myself by offering me herself through deep conversations.
And this week my daughter showed me her joy at having me physically closer to her.
This week I began seeing and experiencing the patterns of the Presence of the Divine in my life.  I began getting the message that I have really and truly never been alone! I began to see, as Jacob was said to have spoken, God was in this place and I, i did not know.
Spiritual Practice: With this seeing and knowing, I have set an intention to continue to meditate, chant with my shruti box, pull my Mother Peace Cards, consult and study with others who know differently than i so I can expand my perspective. And I remain in a place of not knowing, so I can be surprised with the joy of possibilities.  So I can laugh like Sarah was reported to have done, when she was told she would be a mother at 99. And perhaps, I, too like my role  model and Matriarch, will birth something when i think i am dried up and barren. Or maybe I will notice the amazing lives i have touched and get to walk with and that, that will be enuff!!!
Society of the Vav, Vav-nik Intention: And as I stand at the threshold of the next moment, I will use my head and my heart, as i shatter the still energy, moving forward over the threshold into next moment. I do make a difference. This is justice. This is transformation.

Learning to Play on the Offensive Team

So, you must be curious and wondering what offensive team? The team that has the ball and calls the plays and goes for the goal, of course!
The agile ones, the light on their feet ones!  Not the ones who offend!!  LOL!!

Well, I might have to offend some people on my way down the field! And that is what happens when you are focused on your souls journey, making meaning of your life. Some people will be sleeping and not want to be bothered. Some people will like you just the way you are, so they do not have to change.  And, as Mary Oliver wrote, sometimes you have to walk away from those voices and save the only life you can, yours. There are others you will join on your journey.

Phyllis came to visit for a few days. And whenever a Baba Lover who is also from Boston, an Aries, lives alone and is very brilliant gets together with another Jewish, Boston born, Aries who lives alone, and likes to please, after a few days sparks fly!  Divine sparks that want to be redeemed, so the soul can be uncovered.  In the unsettling chaos, Phyllis spoke a truth: be offensive!

She had seen me become defensive and in her inimitable style, had told we what to do, instead of what not to do. Apologizing for her directness, she said the words again, be offensive. 

After brushing off my ego, and settling down to hear what she had to say, i pondered her words. Offensive? What does that mean. 

So what do I need to be on that team? In shape and focused, have clear intentions, be a team player and flexible, improvisational, transformational and love the game! And maybe I have to learn it is OK to offend, say it like it is, the truth as I see it! Oy Vay!!  Well, I tell myself, everyone, including me, needs a clear mirror. Like the 360s we use to help leaders get their affect on their world.

This intention is a great one to set for Elul. While I am learning about loving You as You love me, I will hold onto the balance of love and power; soul work and connectedness to others. I get a shiver down my spine knowing this truth will shed a few pounds and get me closer to the truth; my G!D is everywhere.

Practicing Surrender

Banyan tree, WPB, 1973; Being held by the Divine community.

I went on a work and play road trip to NC this last week, driving from Beaufort, SC to Greensboro to Asheville and Brevard NC and then back home. I drove blind. You read correctly. I turned on my GPS and prayed.

I did not look at the map that sat in my glove compartment. I did not have my Google map print-out nor did I call any one on the phone and to ask them to guide me on their Google.

I set the Nuvi and prayed and took direction. And since I was the only one in the car, I could not look too often as I had agreed to not look at it while driving.

I get chills up my spine when I think about how brave I was to let go of my deeeeep need to be fiercely independent and follow the legacy of my parents. I thought often, why am I doing this? I like seeing the whole picture. I adore knowing where I am going! Do I need another gadget? And knowing those are the words of a woman who does not like change and who wants to be practical!

I was also hearing in my head Ilana's voice, asking me 'why won't I let anyone help me?' And the other voice of mine saying, what kind of a role model are you to your daughter? Do you want her to build walls of 'i can do it myself, thank you' too!?

This is a big one! Letting go is soooo hard!

And it is good practice this surrendering. And it is only to a machine. And i practicing learning family in my new home, learning i am not alone, learning about being connected and learning how to JUST receive the love of others.

And I must admit I am slow extending the net to practice believing in the the unconditional love of my G!D. And I am learning this too. And that I also can learn to love me, even after all these years. With the help of learning to take down the walls and experience the love given.

So, thanks, Ruthie, for encouraging me to buy my first GPS and Ginny for helping me practice receiving love from my anam cara. And to everyone else who have been patient with this heart and still wants me in their life.

Elul begins tomorrow night. The thirty days of blowing the shofar to wake my soul up and bring me back to my true self commences at sundown . Thirty days of practicing and learning so on the anniversary of the beginning of the world, the next new moon, I will be ready to forgive myself for all the moments when i doubted my lovableness and invite me back into my heart and celebrate the beginning of the Rosh Hashanah, the New Year, 5772.

And I am learning to believe in the concept of a learning community and that i am smart enough to learn while living within the boundaries of this physical reality. I must be loved! LOL!! Why else would i do this!!

Circumcise Your Heart and Do Not Have Such a Stiff Neck

Will You help me practice the uncovering of my heart so I can consciously know, be viscerally aware that I am receiving unconditionally love from the Mayan Raz, eternal spring?

Will you be my mirror and my partner to support me in experiencing that i am safe in this world to receive the universal love that is available? I want to face the fears that keep my heart protected and begin to know what it feels like to feel worthy of receiving unconditional love, without strings. I have felt moments of this love, as during my ordination, an expansive, glorious, sweet, adoring love. I also feel deep love of and connectedness with my daughters. I want to also receive there love.

In meditation this morning, in following the circular movement of the mind from Here to there and back to Here, i experienced an awareness of how covered i keep my heart. And that the phrase from the Torah that I have had a strong relationship with, circumcise your heart and don't have a stiff neck, was a message to me personally. I began to cry, deep sobs of awareness.

I know now that I learned an internal stance in childhood to lean over, hunch my shoulders, keep my head down, my hands over the chest and groin and lean forward into the wind. That was the only way i could move with people and be safe, keep my heart protected, and exist until i could become aware of other ways of being; to live my life fully open, head up, shoulders back, chest exposed to the elements knowing i could take very good care of myself and that i am lovable and safe. And I could create sacred space where I would engage in crucial conversations and learn about me within a relationship.

I am no longer willing to use my energy to keep my heart covered. I have other things to do with that energy. I feel expressive and I am no longer tongue tied.

Will you play with me? Will you be my partner and be open to love, unconditional love that speaks from the heart-mind, body-spirit, that engages all of me in a compassionate and kind manner and creating sacred space to allow us both to be Present.

Are you ready for me? Am I ready for me to be out and naked and fully alive in the world? Can there be three amazing women in one family? YES!!!! and...... LOL!!!!

I must uncover this heart and be open to change for if I do not, it will be done for me! And that is what I read in the Holy Scriptures.

Disorientation and the Antidote

I am sitting having lunch looking out at the gorgeous blue sky and wide expanse of water dotted with white boats.

And my eyes wisp by my car, also outside my window, and something is not right. The color on the back of the car has changed. Then I remember my new license plate! And I wake up and laugh!

There are so many things like that happening as I adjust mentally and emotionally to my new space, town and culture. So many things to learn. So much to understand to be emotionally safe here and feel like I am a contributing member to my chosen community. Funny how important it is to me to give.

And I think about automatic thinking and mindfulness. And how I live my life depending on things being the same. Like a blind person who learns their space and gets thrown off balance when things change. Am I that blind woman, yearning for the familiar? Yes and.......

And I am a teacher and practitioner of improvization, mindfulness practice and compassion and loving-kindness. And I laugh as I am still learning. I am not ready to 'catch the wave'!

And the enlightenment I yearn for? It happens in moments only! I smile at my settling with this knowing.

And I notice how inter-dependent I am on everything that happens to keep me awake. Soon I will be blowing my shofar every day to remind me to wake up and come home to my true self. Some days the shofar will be just another experience to add to all the others, like the change in color of my license plate, to keep me awake as I walk the path, laughing at the gifts that welcome me home. And I do not have to do anything except to keep walking and staying awake.

Deep breath!!!

Standing on the Threshold

Standing at the doorway to the unknown, I may appear full of joy, yet this casual pose may not tell the whole story.
I sat in my bathroom the other day, looking around and appreciating the natural light that flows through the large window, the broad counter that gives room for many items and the long the bathtub that I have so enjoyed luxuriating and soaking in to the point of moving into dream land. And I think, I am going to miss what this room offers. And I am appreciating the other gifts this home has offered, hard wood floors, lots of light, great energy, lots of room to move around on this first floor and the opportunity to meet the most amazing people, and to invite these people into my home to enjoy what I love!

And I know this is good to love where i am leaving and to be able to know why I am moving on. I read somewhere once it is best to leave what you love.

So I am feeling sad about leaving and I am excited to what awaits me in my next home that I will make my own, too! There is light, there is water, there is an upstairs and a downstairs and there is my family that is thrilled i am choosing them to live close to!

And as I stand on this threshold, I remember my ancestors, the boundary cross-ers, who teach us, remember Me-Us-We, you are never alone, you are loved always eternally. And I am grateful to follow in their path, the wandering Jews, who occasionally build nests to grow within.

The Wall is Down:The Heart is Receiving In This Moment

I am leaving where I have lived for four years and now it is safe to let those that I have met into my heart. I laugh at my noticing my patterns.

I am moving on to try again to find Home. Not that i did not find pieces of it here. Wonderful people, as long as I kept them at a distance, and a warm tropical climate that provided me plenty of opportunities to grow. I learned how to sail, what it was like to display some art work publicly and vacation with the snorkel club whom i had just met. I even committed to six months of teaching and kept my promise and learned so much about connecting with six amazing women and Judaism. I owned my own home for the first time and then sold it at a loss! That was an interesting moment to rationalize away!!

My father died and then my mother was killed and now I am an orphan. What I thought I was moving here for no longer exists. And then I needed to think where in the world do I want to live now that the roots that grew me had shriveled up.

Yet, you never really know why you move some place until after you leave. So I have another few weeks to figure that out. And I am beginning to experience what it means to love and to be loved and be able to receive that love. This is real cool! Shivering cool sometimes!! LOL!!

I am taking the time in my leaving to really experience the loss of leaving this place that harbored me and the amazing women and men I have met. In leaving I am noticing the sadness and grief I am experiencing. And the caring I feel for those I am leaving and will never have the same casual and purposeful relationship with. I even let the mind to wonder why I am leaving these people I have finally opened my heart to. And I know it is only in the leaving that I have the perspective to see how welcomed i have been. And I am grateful for this place of seeing and the heart that is receiving, even at a distance.

Too late, I am reminded, the condo is sold, the boxes are being packed and a new physical space is awaiting me; as is my next opportunity to open my heart and not wait for them to open theirs. Maybe I will do it differently this time. Maybe these wonderful people who await me, know me so well and love me so much that I can walk in with an open heart. And maybe I will go there ready to receive their attention and appreciation for who I am, this amazing woman doing her personal best.

and yes...it is true, things are changing all the time and there is always another opportunity to face the fear and manage the delicate balance between connected and separate, the circle and line dance.