The Wall is Down:The Heart is Receiving In This Moment

I am leaving where I have lived for four years and now it is safe to let those that I have met into my heart. I laugh at my noticing my patterns.

I am moving on to try again to find Home. Not that i did not find pieces of it here. Wonderful people, as long as I kept them at a distance, and a warm tropical climate that provided me plenty of opportunities to grow. I learned how to sail, what it was like to display some art work publicly and vacation with the snorkel club whom i had just met. I even committed to six months of teaching and kept my promise and learned so much about connecting with six amazing women and Judaism. I owned my own home for the first time and then sold it at a loss! That was an interesting moment to rationalize away!!

My father died and then my mother was killed and now I am an orphan. What I thought I was moving here for no longer exists. And then I needed to think where in the world do I want to live now that the roots that grew me had shriveled up.

Yet, you never really know why you move some place until after you leave. So I have another few weeks to figure that out. And I am beginning to experience what it means to love and to be loved and be able to receive that love. This is real cool! Shivering cool sometimes!! LOL!!

I am taking the time in my leaving to really experience the loss of leaving this place that harbored me and the amazing women and men I have met. In leaving I am noticing the sadness and grief I am experiencing. And the caring I feel for those I am leaving and will never have the same casual and purposeful relationship with. I even let the mind to wonder why I am leaving these people I have finally opened my heart to. And I know it is only in the leaving that I have the perspective to see how welcomed i have been. And I am grateful for this place of seeing and the heart that is receiving, even at a distance.

Too late, I am reminded, the condo is sold, the boxes are being packed and a new physical space is awaiting me; as is my next opportunity to open my heart and not wait for them to open theirs. Maybe I will do it differently this time. Maybe these wonderful people who await me, know me so well and love me so much that I can walk in with an open heart. And maybe I will go there ready to receive their attention and appreciation for who I am, this amazing woman doing her personal best.

and yes...it is true, things are changing all the time and there is always another opportunity to face the fear and manage the delicate balance between connected and separate, the circle and line dance.