When the sun rose this morning I remembered that I became a mother 46 years ago and I smiled at the gift given to me when I was not looking. I sit here knowing that when the sun sets in a few hours that I will begin 26 hours of rest and I am taking a deep breath and patiently try to sit here for just a few more minutes before I will perhaps experience a piece of the world to come. When Shabbat is over the saddest day in Hebrew Wisdom history will begin and I can hear the haunting chant of Lamentations ringing in my ears and feel the universal sadness of loss and destruction of dreams.
I am in awe that I can hold in my heart the uniqueness of each of these very powerful events and not blend them, not give them a hierarchy, not loose their impact on my life and not try to categorize or explain them away. Each is as important as the creative project I am giving birth to today.
It has been almost 11 months since I began this blog and started looking at the blessings of the sixth Hebrew letter, vav. My new Israeli friend Beenie helped find a new Hebrew name for this idea that came through me: Agoodat HaVav because Agoodah infers connection and connecting to me and others is my intention, my deepest desire. And I am continuing to water the concepts without knowing where we are going for I am building my faith in the Mystery I sometimes call She, Shechinah, In-Dwelling Presence or G!D.
One of my daughter's fears is that she will not fulfill her mission as a mother or wife and that she will do the same behavior that her mother displayed and leave in the middle of a run. I have the same feeling floating through my heart and abandonment is not an option as I am not a grasshopper like my ancestors thought they would think of themselves. My spirit is full and large and I have the tenacity of the leader that I am.
Watering sounds like such a little chore. Trust me it is not as distractions are rampant. My other thought-options are that there is not enough water, I cannot find the vessel to carry the water, where is the tree anyway, where is the water and I am not good enough to do it. These thoughts are upstream thoughts and not acceptable to this mind. I am The One who is doing the watering and I am taking my commitments seriously.
I am watering from the eternal well of the society of the Vav: this is a holographic loop as the Vav is the tree, is the body of the Holy Name and is the well eternal, Mayan Raz my sisterhood of friends. What a powerful image to hold as I shut off my connection to the world and contemplate rest, study and love.
Shabbat Shalom, 7 Av 5768.
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