Society of the Vav

Closure

2011-09-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

Before there can be a beginning there must be an end.
This morning I pulled the Death card from my Motherpeace deck. This is the last day of 5771, i remind myself as I read what Vicki Noble writes 'this is not about a physical death, only a metaphor for some experience of dying and rebirth'.

I had just decided to write an entry in my blog. And when I began the 'title' section, i could only think that this is an ending of four years of writing in this blog. I have, with the encouragement of Tim, my beloved Buddhist therapist, begun creating a book of the last four years' musings. I have been even imagining reading from the completed book to my students of mindfulness-meditation. So it will happen, after I figure out how to work blurb!

I sit with tears coming down my face. How do I say good bye to this ritual of writing The Society of the Vav? How do I end this love affair i have had with the Hebrew letter Vav? I do not want to say good bye, adieu, ciao! For that would leave emptiness. And G!D forbid I should feel that bottomless pit of emptiness!!
And how do i know it is over? Where will I go? Who will i be if i am not a Vavnik? or will i be that forever whether i write or not? So many questions, so few answers. Letting go is a powerful exercise for me in this moment.

I ask myself, 'What would the Vav say?'...and I hear, "once a connection is made it is never severed. " I am a vav-nik forever and I am learning what it means to be connected with family, friends, nature, to trust this connection and to trust me even more to know I can take care of myself. i am amazing and there is work left to do that is all mine, along with others. I am on a mission to heal the world, one heart at a time. And I am learning my skills and refining them as i move through the River of Light.

The first entry of the Society of the Vav was on listening. And I am continuing in learning how to listen. I am learning what it means to listen to the inner voice, the G!D within me. She is so wise. Like the character in Ntozake Shange's 'For Colored Girls Who Consider Suicide When the Rainbow is not Enuff" I am owning that G!D is within me. The Indwelling Divine Spirit, Shekhinah, She dwells within and I need to listen to the still voice not just the loud ones that say "you are going for a trip around the world" or "I want to be a rabbi". The more subtle ones, that demand i be quiet and be still, to slow down so the wind does not distort the sounds and words coming through me to me. That is being kind to myself, treating myself as if I were my own lover. I am a life long learner, thank G!D! Other wise I would be up a creek without a paddle!! LOL!!

So this is how I will leave you, with an end, a celebration of what has come and an and...

And, of course, a blessing:

As I watched the sun set on this last day of 5771, I mused on how grateful I am for your Presence in my life
and I wondered
am i ready for this Rosh Hashanah and what she will bring?
Not that it matters, she is going to come anyway,
and I , i am going to welcome Her with open arms and an open heart!

Who would turn away sweetness and joy?

Shanah Tova u'Mituka, Tikateivu v'tikateimu!
May this year be good and sweet
and may you and all you hold dear be written and sealed in the Book of Life for yet another year!

And if that does not happen, may we come together to support each other through the narrow spaces,
knowing Love is always there to comfort. And we are love!

blessings of joy and sweetness, health and love in 5772!

I Had Dream

2011-09-11T08:17:00.003-04:00

I had a dream this morning before I awoke and i was full of joy and love when I opened my eyes. I am not sure what the dream was all about, choosing not to analyze, and I am not going to review it here with you. I am going to write it down and savor it the feelings, people, colors, conversations.

Then I am going to notice how my life enfolds.

I had a moment of awareness and enlightenment yesterday as I readied for bed. When I am on retreat, I am mindful of the present moment, slow in movement, noticing how I lift my foot, place a plate down on the table, choose my food and more! I am taking time to be with me, focusing on now, coming back to this moment when the mind begins to do its dance of; 'look at what he is doing', 'how about that thought', 'can you believe what she did', ' or 'ooo, that smells good and I am hungry', etc etc etc.

I have been telling people about some of my experiences on various retreats and how much i enjoyed them. I began to wonder "why only then?"

Then, as I put back into order the plants on my stoop, I shoved the hand painted ceramic pot that held a miniature snake plant into the railing and the arm on one side cracked and fell into the bushes. I was shocked, i thought I was being so careful. Everything had been going so well, the storm door was off and i had a screen door up to let in the fresh air with the help of my neighbor, Dale. I thought I was careful, apparently not enough!

Then I remembered impermanence and loss is just an emotion we tag to an experience.

The mind wandered and I remember supporting others on their silent retreat at Elat Chayyim, offering them water as they worked in the hot kitchen. I loved serving and caring for those choosing silence. Or on all the retreats, the many experiences and learning. In Thailand with Rosemary and Steve where I learned that silence is not a punishment and i was never alone. Or in Pudecherry, India, at the Sri Aurobindo Ashram where i learned I am deeply connected to the spiritual world through my body and I stayed there long enough to hear the Mother speak on the anniversary of her birthday, 'yea, thou you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i am with you'. Or in Israel and France with Thich Nhat Hanh where i learned about the power of discipline and focus and faith and to go back to my roots. And at the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA where i discovered how unsafe I felt int he world and that I wanted Hebrew Wisdom, and asked for it from Sylvia Boorstein, along with the Buddhist practice taught there.

And how can I forget Stephen Levine and the very first silent retreat I ever experienced. When I learned that I am my own teacher and I must learn to trust myself, trust the process and treasure myself. Treasure myself, what a concept I continue to learn what it means along with love myself and make a friend of time.

So I laugh out loud as i awaken to my life and put the pieces together, making a collage of extraordinary beauty, as stunning as Andrea's quilts.

Holy Union, Hieros Gamos

2011-09-06T08:26:00.002-04:00

I want to enter and be entered
I yearn to know what it feels like
To have G!D within me
While being able to enjoy
The deliciousness of
Being Present with You

I want to breathe in Ruach HaKodesh, The Holy Spirit
And then breathe back into You
Renewing myself as the moon
Renews each month

I am made in the image of HaShem, The-One-Without-End
Loving women and loving men
Just like She does
Why deny the fact that
My heart is as large as His

I am Ariadne and I am Shekhinah, The Indwelling Presence of the Divine
I am Sarah, princess of the world
I evolve and transform with each breath
I am love and I am hate
I am Hagar, the stranger within me
Yearning to be known

I am an individual, unique as the moment
I am Abraham confused in love
I am never the enemy, only Darkness
From which Light can come

Come closer, My Dear
Let us be known to each other
So we can laugh and cry together
We can mourn and celebrate our lives
Lived and soon to be born

A Taste of the World To Come

2011-09-03T10:50:00.002-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Shabbat Shalom, blessings of a restful day full of moments of a taste of the world to come, i wish to you and to me. And I ponder the days that led up to this day.
This week in Beaufort two young men died. One took his own life and one died as a result of an accident. Both i pray have souls who are at peace and both left families and friends grieving, wondering if they could have done something differently and feeling sorrow and yearning for one more day with their friend, son, brother, lover, husband, father.....
I never met either and i have heard stories from my daughter as my grandson struggles to understand this death of a friend and peer.
This week a dear friend struggled with depression as the mind imagined a future without hope for a freedom that in her past she rarely experienced and deeply yearned for a reprieve in her life.
This week my adopted grandson told his father and his step mother he is not returning to college. He will be leaving for California to seek work and a break from the routine of the last five years.
This week I met several new people who hold possibilities of a good life for me here in the marshes and waters of the Lowcountry. Some kind and good women and men who live outside the box of societal norms' expectations.
This week a new friend visit changed my perspective of myself by offering me herself through deep conversations.
And this week my daughter showed me her joy at having me physically closer to her.
This week I began seeing and experiencing the patterns of the Presence of the Divine in my life. I began getting the message that I have really and truly never been alone! I began to see, as Jacob was said to have spoken, God was in this place and I, i did not know.
Spiritual Practice: With this seeing and knowing, I have set an intention to continue to meditate, chant with my shruti box, pull my Mother Peace Cards, consult and study with others who know differently than i so I can expand my perspective. And I remain in a place of not knowing, so I can be surprised with the joy of possibilities. So I can laugh like Sarah was reported to have done, when she was told she would be a mother at 99. And perhaps, I, too like my role model and Matriarch, will birth something when i think i am dried up and barren. Or maybe I will notice the amazing lives i have touched and get to walk with and that, that will be enuff!!!
Society of the Vav, Vav-nik Intention: And as I stand at the threshold of the next moment, I will use my head and my heart, as i shatter the still energy, moving forward over the threshold into next moment. I do make a difference. This is justice. This is transformation.

Learning to Play on the Offensive Team

2011-09-02T13:35:00.002-04:00

So, you must be curious and wondering what offensive team? The team that has the ball and calls the plays and goes for the goal, of course!
The agile ones, the light on their feet ones! Not the ones who offend!! LOL!!

Well, I might have to offend some people on my way down the field! And that is what happens when you are focused on your souls journey, making meaning of your life. Some people will be sleeping and not want to be bothered. Some people will like you just the way you are, so they do not have to change. And, as Mary Oliver wrote, sometimes you have to walk away from those voices and save the only life you can, yours. There are others you will join on your journey.

Phyllis came to visit for a few days. And whenever a Baba Lover who is also from Boston, an Aries, lives alone and is very brilliant gets together with another Jewish, Boston born, Aries who lives alone, and likes to please, after a few days sparks fly! Divine sparks that want to be redeemed, so the soul can be uncovered. In the unsettling chaos, Phyllis spoke a truth: be offensive!

She had seen me become defensive and in her inimitable style, had told we what to do, instead of what not to do. Apologizing for her directness, she said the words again, be offensive.

After brushing off my ego, and settling down to hear what she had to say, i pondered her words. Offensive? What does that mean.

So what do I need to be on that team? In shape and focused, have clear intentions, be a team player and flexible, improvisational, transformational and love the game! And maybe I have to learn it is OK to offend, say it like it is, the truth as I see it! Oy Vay!! Well, I tell myself, everyone, including me, needs a clear mirror. Like the 360s we use to help leaders get their affect on their world.

This intention is a great one to set for Elul. While I am learning about loving You as You love me, I will hold onto the balance of love and power; soul work and connectedness to others. I get a shiver down my spine knowing this truth will shed a few pounds and get me closer to the truth; my G!D is everywhere.

Practicing Surrender

2011-08-29T07:14:00.003-04:00

Banyan tree, WPB, 1973; Being held by the Divine community.

I went on a work and play road trip to NC this last week, driving from Beaufort, SC to Greensboro to Asheville and Brevard NC and then back home. I drove blind. You read correctly. I turned on my GPS and prayed.

I did not look at the map that sat in my glove compartment. I did not have my Google map print-out nor did I call any one on the phone and to ask them to guide me on their Google.

I set the Nuvi and prayed and took direction. And since I was the only one in the car, I could not look too often as I had agreed to not look at it while driving.

I get chills up my spine when I think about how brave I was to let go of my deeeeep need to be fiercely independent and follow the legacy of my parents. I thought often, why am I doing this? I like seeing the whole picture. I adore knowing where I am going! Do I need another gadget? And knowing those are the words of a woman who does not like change and who wants to be practical!

I was also hearing in my head Ilana's voice, asking me 'why won't I let anyone help me?' And the other voice of mine saying, what kind of a role model are you to your daughter? Do you want her to build walls of 'i can do it myself, thank you' too!?

This is a big one! Letting go is soooo hard!

And it is good practice this surrendering. And it is only to a machine. And i practicing learning family in my new home, learning i am not alone, learning about being connected and learning how to JUST receive the love of others.

And I must admit I am slow extending the net to practice believing in the the unconditional love of my G!D. And I am learning this too. And that I also can learn to love me, even after all these years. With the help of learning to take down the walls and experience the love given.

So, thanks, Ruthie, for encouraging me to buy my first GPS and Ginny for helping me practice receiving love from my anam cara. And to everyone else who have been patient with this heart and still wants me in their life.

Elul begins tomorrow night. The thirty days of blowing the shofar to wake my soul up and bring me back to my true self commences at sundown . Thirty days of practicing and learning so on the anniversary of the beginning of the world, the next new moon, I will be ready to forgive myself for all the moments when i doubted my lovableness and invite me back into my heart and celebrate the beginning of the Rosh Hashanah, the New Year, 5772.

And I am learning to believe in the concept of a learning community and that i am smart enough to learn while living within the boundaries of this physical reality. I must be loved! LOL!! Why else would i do this!!

Circumcise Your Heart and Do Not Have Such a Stiff Neck

2011-08-21T11:45:00.009-04:00

Will You help me practice the uncovering of my heart so I can consciously know, be viscerally aware that I am receiving unconditionally love from the Mayan Raz, eternal spring?

Will you be my mirror and my partner to support me in experiencing that i am safe in this world to receive the universal love that is available? I want to face the fears that keep my heart protected and begin to know what it feels like to feel worthy of receiving unconditional love, without strings. I have felt moments of this love, as during my ordination, an expansive, glorious, sweet, adoring love. I also feel deep love of and connectedness with my daughters. I want to also receive there love.

In meditation this morning, in following the circular movement of the mind from Here to there and back to Here, i experienced an awareness of how covered i keep my heart. And that the phrase from the Torah that I have had a strong relationship with, circumcise your heart and don't have a stiff neck, was a message to me personally. I began to cry, deep sobs of awareness.

I know now that I learned an internal stance in childhood to lean over, hunch my shoulders, keep my head down, my hands over the chest and groin and lean forward into the wind. That was the only way i could move with people and be safe, keep my heart protected, and exist until i could become aware of other ways of being; to live my life fully open, head up, shoulders back, chest exposed to the elements knowing i could take very good care of myself and that i am lovable and safe. And I could create sacred space where I would engage in crucial conversations and learn about me within a relationship.

I am no longer willing to use my energy to keep my heart covered. I have other things to do with that energy. I feel expressive and I am no longer tongue tied.

Will you play with me? Will you be my partner and be open to love, unconditional love that speaks from the heart-mind, body-spirit, that engages all of me in a compassionate and kind manner and creating sacred space to allow us both to be Present.

Are you ready for me? Am I ready for me to be out and naked and fully alive in the world? Can there be three amazing women in one family? YES!!!! and...... LOL!!!!

I must uncover this heart and be open to change for if I do not, it will be done for me! And that is what I read in the Holy Scriptures.

Disorientation and the Antidote

2011-08-17T14:41:00.005-04:00

I am sitting having lunch looking out at the gorgeous blue sky and wide expanse of water dotted with white boats.

And my eyes wisp by my car, also outside my window, and something is not right. The color on the back of the car has changed. Then I remember my new license plate! And I wake up and laugh!

There are so many things like that happening as I adjust mentally and emotionally to my new space, town and culture. So many things to learn. So much to understand to be emotionally safe here and feel like I am a contributing member to my chosen community. Funny how important it is to me to give.

And I think about automatic thinking and mindfulness. And how I live my life depending on things being the same. Like a blind person who learns their space and gets thrown off balance when things change. Am I that blind woman, yearning for the familiar? Yes and.......

And I am a teacher and practitioner of improvization, mindfulness practice and compassion and loving-kindness. And I laugh as I am still learning. I am not ready to 'catch the wave'!

And the enlightenment I yearn for? It happens in moments only! I smile at my settling with this knowing.

And I notice how inter-dependent I am on everything that happens to keep me awake. Soon I will be blowing my shofar every day to remind me to wake up and come home to my true self. Some days the shofar will be just another experience to add to all the others, like the change in color of my license plate, to keep me awake as I walk the path, laughing at the gifts that welcome me home. And I do not have to do anything except to keep walking and staying awake.

Deep breath!!!

Standing on the Threshold

2011-07-11T11:37:00.005-04:00

Standing at the doorway to the unknown, I may appear full of joy, yet this casual pose may not tell the whole story.
I sat in my bathroom the other day, looking around and appreciating the natural light that flows through the large window, the broad counter that gives room for many items and the long the bathtub that I have so enjoyed luxuriating and soaking in to the point of moving into dream land. And I think, I am going to miss what this room offers. And I am appreciating the other gifts this home has offered, hard wood floors, lots of light, great energy, lots of room to move around on this first floor and the opportunity to meet the most amazing people, and to invite these people into my home to enjoy what I love!

And I know this is good to love where i am leaving and to be able to know why I am moving on. I read somewhere once it is best to leave what you love.

So I am feeling sad about leaving and I am excited to what awaits me in my next home that I will make my own, too! There is light, there is water, there is an upstairs and a downstairs and there is my family that is thrilled i am choosing them to live close to!

And as I stand on this threshold, I remember my ancestors, the boundary cross-ers, who teach us, remember Me-Us-We, you are never alone, you are loved always eternally. And I am grateful to follow in their path, the wandering Jews, who occasionally build nests to grow within.

The Wall is Down:The Heart is Receiving In This Moment

2011-07-04T16:28:00.005-04:00

I am leaving where I have lived for four years and now it is safe to let those that I have met into my heart. I laugh at my noticing my patterns.

I am moving on to try again to find Home. Not that i did not find pieces of it here. Wonderful people, as long as I kept them at a distance, and a warm tropical climate that provided me plenty of opportunities to grow. I learned how to sail, what it was like to display some art work publicly and vacation with the snorkel club whom i had just met. I even committed to six months of teaching and kept my promise and learned so much about connecting with six amazing women and Judaism. I owned my own home for the first time and then sold it at a loss! That was an interesting moment to rationalize away!!

My father died and then my mother was killed and now I am an orphan. What I thought I was moving here for no longer exists. And then I needed to think where in the world do I want to live now that the roots that grew me had shriveled up.

Yet, you never really know why you move some place until after you leave. So I have another few weeks to figure that out. And I am beginning to experience what it means to love and to be loved and be able to receive that love. This is real cool! Shivering cool sometimes!! LOL!!

I am taking the time in my leaving to really experience the loss of leaving this place that harbored me and the amazing women and men I have met. In leaving I am noticing the sadness and grief I am experiencing. And the caring I feel for those I am leaving and will never have the same casual and purposeful relationship with. I even let the mind to wonder why I am leaving these people I have finally opened my heart to. And I know it is only in the leaving that I have the perspective to see how welcomed i have been. And I am grateful for this place of seeing and the heart that is receiving, even at a distance.

Too late, I am reminded, the condo is sold, the boxes are being packed and a new physical space is awaiting me; as is my next opportunity to open my heart and not wait for them to open theirs. Maybe I will do it differently this time. Maybe these wonderful people who await me, know me so well and love me so much that I can walk in with an open heart. And maybe I will go there ready to receive their attention and appreciation for who I am, this amazing woman doing her personal best.

and yes...it is true, things are changing all the time and there is always another opportunity to face the fear and manage the delicate balance between connected and separate, the circle and line dance.

Personal Best

2011-06-26T19:37:00.004-04:00

Do you ever wonder looking at these desserts if any of them think, i am better than that one next to me because of my color? Or will they pick me first because I am bigger, or no one will pick me because i don't have any fruit?

Several years ago I saw movie about two women athletes who fell in love while competing for love and attention of each other and a man. For me it was both a beautiful and a painful movie. And the phrase, personal best, the title of the film, has remained with me and has helped me deal with the mind's default of competition and envy and doubt.

So I am making a public commitment and taking a vow, like I did at Plum Village, so many years ago when I took on the precepts of an Interbeing Learner. Now, I am choosing to notice when I am in those narrow-martir-slave places and I am going to choose to think 'personal best' when ever the mind puts me in competition with or feeling less or more than anyone else.

I am amazing, i am unique, i am like no one else. And I have a part to play no one else can do, is going to or can play! My unique matter makes difference even when I think it does not!

So why bother! Even in my driving, I am going to laugh at myself when I race down the road to beat someone else, or hear 'what will they think'? As long as I choose be treat myself as if i were my own lover, with kindness and compassion, i am in the right place and right time. Doing my best to be me, including me on the list of people I care about!

I am going to have fun, choose joy and laugh at myself. And that is my choice to help mending the tears in the universe! I am going to engage in what Chuck and David call Serious Play. Serious because I am focused on my intention to learn to live with myself with deep compassion as an image of the Divine.
Play, because I love to play, have fun, be joyful for I know that is the best space for me to learn.

Blessings on your path of being your Personal Best; and may we meet on the road and smile at each others comings and goings, as we place a hand on our heart, nod and say Namaste. I do see the G!D in you as you see the G!D in me.

What Keeps Me From Being an Effective Leader?

2011-06-05T14:05:00.002-04:00

We asked the group in our training yesterday, “What keeps me from being an effective leader?”

In reflecting this morning on yesterdays events I thought that one of those elements is my self-doubt, of having to prove myself to myself that being white, Jewish, lesbian woman keeps me from being all I can be in the world.

I am in Jamaica, where I am a minority in terms of the color of my skin. Yesterday, a man I am working with told me that when he first saw me he thought I was a racist. And that over the day I proved to him that I am a kind person and that his initial reaction to me was incorrect.

I was blown away by his disclosure and honored that he felt safe enough to say what was in his head and heart to me. And I was delighted; the cat was out of the bag. The topic often not talked about, was put on the table. Racism. Of course I am a racist in my own way. We all use various reasons to build walls to keep our self emotionally and some times physically and psychically safe and to keep people out. And I am learning to mange these fears and open my heart to the truth. We are all one.

And there is a part of me that knows in a past life I was an African slave living in the low country of South Carolina. When he told me he saw my soul, not the color of my skin, I thought Halleluyah!!!! Sweet Jesus, I am home! He sees my soul, not the color of my skin, that outer covering that can hide the true self from others so I am not recognized!

I am being seen for who I truly am. He not only got me, he merged with me, the color of my skin no longer separating us.

What a great question to ask again, and again and again!! What makes me an effective leader?

For each asking allows me to be open to new perspectives. The blessings of and is a softening of boundaries around the end of thoughts. I can give myself permission to continue the conversation, over and over again. I am learning from a new perspective what it means to never give up; to trust that there is another corner to walk round and I may never see that corner until I say and.

I am a Vavnik, I believe in possibilities of healing, of opportunities dreamed of and yet not found, YET! I am laughing out loud at myself and this life and the gifts that come everyday, even when I do not expect them. I am choosing life, having lived through the moments of blessings and curses. I am Home!

Collecting Stories on Time

2011-02-21T13:43:00.003-05:00

Today I heard Jim Croce's voice, "If I could put time in a bottle....", I am sure you know the rest. I have images of the bottle being the one you throw out into the ocean with a message hoping for some Divine connection.

Then I read: There is more to life than increasing it's speed attributed to M. Ghandi and I breathe deeply into this moment wondering, "what is my relationship to speeding?"

What I think is interesting is my perspective on women in Judaism. There has always been a place for us, relegated to time. More on this later.

Gail told me a story she heard from an inspirational speaker about time. There was taxi driver who was trying to make as much money as he could, picking up fares, dropping them off and looking for the next fare. One day he was sent to pick-up a women and take her to Hospice. It was her time to go, she said, and there was no one to say good bye to.

Well, apparently, these words, this woman, the story touched the taxi cab driver's heart. He began talking with her about her life, what had brought her to the city, where she had lived beside where he had picked her up. And she responded to his questions. As he headed off toward Hospice, he decided he was going to take his time with this 'fare' and drive her around the city for her last tour. She was delighted with his attention.

The key teaching, I was told, is the greatest gift you can give anyone is time. And if you put yourself on the list, then you can give yourself the gift of time, also. And attention is love, I have been told.

So, what have you been thinking about time? How do you spend your time? How do you give it away? What was your response to your generosity? How are you creative with time?

Barry Oshry created a workshop simulation where during the three hour process the facilitators call "time out." And for the next 20 minutes people are asked to stop, reflect and share their experiences with one another. Then the simulation begins again.

How often do I do that? Probably not enough. And now that I have thought about it, maybe i will do it more. In Action Learning at the Center for Creative Leadership "stop, reflect, write" are key components to keep people in the learning mindset.

Maybe today, I will take some time to give me attention by stopping, reflecting, breathing and listening to my heart, my body, my mind and then laugh with joy at being with me!

And, I have noticed that since I have been focusing on time, I have been slowing my driving down just a bit.

The One Day That is Different

2011-02-17T20:26:00.002-05:00

Today is Friday, the one day I slow down and breathe deeply, take the time to connect with me, nature, family and ritual. After lunch, I will clear off my table, take off the red table cloth and replace it with the white linen and lace cloth. Then put my candles and crystal sticks on the the wine cup, and embroidered Shabbat cloth to hold my bread. Then I will get my TZedakah box and angel cards. I like the idea of starting my Sabbath on Friday afternoon, when I can.

As I close a very busy and creative week, I wanted to offer some wisdom from my friends about time. I think each is important in their own ways.

I especially need to slow down and give attention to my daughters. As today B called to say her daughter is in the hospital in critical condition. It is at this moment I am forced again to remember how precious life is. And everything else does not really matter. for this Shabbat I will set some intetnions that I hope I can keep of setting some clear priorities around how I spend my time.

S writes, "When I was younger I expected things to be done in a timely way and promises related to deadlines were very important to me. Now, I automatically tack on days, weeks, months and even years to a timeline. When a workman says he'll be here in 3 weeks, I assume if he makes it in 6 we're still "on time." When I'm starting a project that I think should take 3-6 months, I automatically think of at least a year. It's helped me avoid disappointment and frustration with delays. In the end, most of the time it really doesn't matter if it's today or not. "

How wise I can be to think I only think I know and yet what do I really know? What I want and what I get and hopefully they are not too far apart.

R wrote, "several years ago, I just one day suddenly decided to start driving slowly…all the time. I now drive about 5mph under the speed limit. I get almost everywhere almost as quickly as I did before and I, more often than not, meet cars that go flying by me at the next traffic light.

I’ve had a checkered history with speeding tickets…including two on one day some years ago (one in my car and the other on my motorcycle…alas). When I was thoughtful about it, I chalked the habit up to a slowly simmering anxiety that I’ve always known I had. But I find that my newly adopted driving habit is probably the number one (maybe number two…running is right up there) thing I do to make peace with that anxiety.

And the sequel to all this is that a couple of weeks ago I was driving down Military Trail – at 40mph – and a blue sports car went zooming around me…going at least 60, I’m sure. I found myself immediately getting knot in the pit of my stomach angry. Then I stepped back from it and said to myself, “isn’t that interesting? Maybe he has an emergency, or maybe he’s late for an appointment, or maybe he too has an anxiety issue.” Whatever the reason, I clearly didn’t have to let myself get sucked in by his behavior. And I didn’t. Good example of a new slant on an old life lesson, I guess."

I often find myself laughing at myself and how quickly the mind judges. When I am awake enough to notice this, I can choose joy. That is when I am awake. Other times, I add to my list of what is not right in the world. Then begin to figure how to be in the flow to heal the seams that have cracked.

And the beat goes on and on and on! May your and my Sabbath have a taste of the world to come!

Tiiiime is On My Side, Oh, Yes It Is!

2011-02-17T08:24:00.005-05:00

I awoke to singing along with the Rolling Stones' famous quote and lines from their song, as I was reading a story by a friend who responded to my request to help me get a grip on making a friend of time.

By the way, I am getting loads of help on this project, including Gila and Ginny knowing it was the Stones' song I had floating in my head. Ginny even wrote that they first sang it on the Ed Sullivan Show! How many of you remember that show? LOL!

If I think of time as a friend then there are no 'dead' lines, just 'do' dates. When I am 'hooked in', as my astrologer friend Dale says, then I am in the flow with the universe. And mystical Judaism tells of the transcendent soul being in alignment with the imminent soul, so the the outside soul can drip its wisdom into the inside soul. That is called being in mazel tov! Right place, right time.

In my limited experience of consciousness, that state takes loads of self trust, reflection, listening, breathing, stopping, laughing at myself, faith in something bigger than me and a letting go of what I think is right by someone else's standard; being in integrity with me and the universe.

Here is J's story that she said: " I threw my brother, his wife and sons and daughter-in-laws out of my house some 13 years ago when he said something so violent to my partner & his sons. They were disturbed. I asked my brother about this and he said he did not know what they were talking about and besides I used the wrong words....this response (manipulative verbiage from a brother who went for his doctorate in semantical philosophy, on top of his wife criticizing the food I had prepared for Passover and stating that she hated being in my home,etc.) I stated that I am valuable, my friends are valuable and I will not tolerate that kind of verbal insult and ugliness. They laughed and made fun of me. I went to the door and ushered them all out with the comment that they are not welcomed back into my home. That did not stop me from calling them , from time to time, to stay connected and know that some day we may fall back into another kind of rhythm. Literally a dozen years passed with me calling , about twice a year, knowing that my brother is important to me and he will grow in his own time OR not, I will be here when that happens. It happened and we are respectfully back in each others lives with a few actual face to face encounters ( at his home and in neutral territory). I have not invited them to my home yet and talked with them about them processing, in their way, the reactions they had to my home. I did not need to hear them; however, I do not want any more facial and verbal negative reactions to me or my home. They need to determine when that time is to reenter. I can wait because time is right now as I type this, as time was when I convulsed with agony at my decision to usher them out of my home. I revisited the pain many times and was sure that I could live with whatever outcome as I am so certain of non attachment and attachment and impermanence, etc. In this case my rewards is that we are again together, though their are moments that are a bit precarious. Noticing my behavior and response to a situation is important and I am ok with having violent, unwholesome reactions too. They do not last long, time is my friend, time is short and I am OK with not practicing my belief 100%. It is another moment in time to keep learning and doing and re-doing. PLUS I really do not want everything to be so calm....I think that is too boring too; I like the various tonalities that come from me as an imperfect human being. AND I keep track of when enough is enough and that is TIME based. "

As I re-read this story, I am preparing to facilitate a workshop on trust. And Covey says, "nothing is a fast as the speed of trust." And writes of this at the personal and professional levels. I think how quickly we cover our heart and how long it takes to uncover the heart and feel safe and build trust.

When I have tiiiiime on my side, being present to me and the universe, then perhaps i am moving toward making a friend of time. So, if i weave my meditation practice into this equation, then when i notice without judging, and stay with me in all my emotions, thoughts, visceral response to the moment, then i am in NOW and my response is current and 'spot on!'

Laughing at me, I leave you to continue the quest of learning about time by working at work responsibilities.

Hit and Run

2011-02-16T09:32:00.002-05:00

My sister and I were having ones of those 'cross the bridge' conversations. Where I was bothered about something that had happened between us and I had asked to 'cross the bridge' so we could talk to each other outside the distractions of our everyday life.

She had done something that left me going off by myself to take care of myself. My heart was walled up and defended and underneath I was sad, angry, and feeling abandoned. And I was not going to tell anyone that. I had learned a long time ago to shove all those feelings under the mat of the covering of my heart.

In our conversation, she was able to hear me and I was able to hear that she has a habit of 'hit and run.' In that moment, she is not in control of her feelings and instead of staying and talking about what she is feeling, she says what she needs to say and runs away. I could absolutely hear that. For one reason, I love her and want to stay in relationship with this long time sister-friend. Secondly, I know I have done that same behavior.

Dissociation, running away from the now, is the other side of consciousness, to quote Tim, my therapist. And as I move to being more awake in my life, i am choosing to run less and "be here now", to quote that famous psychologist turned Hindu guru follower.

So, I ask myself what is so hard about being here? Can I notice my discomfort and breathe into it like I do on the massage table when the 'spot' touched is so painful and needs the oxygen to free the toxins, untie the knotted muscle?

Am I really wanting to free my soul from whatever covers her pureness and to open the doors to possibilities when I stay present?

Do I want to admit my faith in something bigger than me, playing with me, keeping me hoping for love?

What are you thinking today about time, being conscious, love possibilities and freedom?

I Am Denouncing My Speed Queen Crown

2011-02-15T20:40:00.002-05:00

After my first speeding ticket in four years, $129.00 ouch!, I have decided this is a sign I need to really look at my relationship with time.

In 1993, a Lakota medicine man in a one-on-one I-Ching session told me something I have been grappling with ever since. The phrase is "make a friend of time". My immediate response to his words was to begin to cry, like I had been told some ultimate truth of the universe. I knew then that it was important and yet I did not know how it related to my life. I think after all these years I may be getting to the core of this conundrum, this Zen-koan.

As I drove home the 3 1/2 hours from St. Petersberg, I kept thinking what is it about time? What am I running from or toward that keeps me from being here. How have I not made a friend of time?

And then I remembered the sexual abuse I endured at age five that I hid from my conciousness until I was in my late 40s. And that dissociation is one way of running away from the pain of the moment. And that at 67 I no longer need to rush away from now, as I can take care of me, unlike that of my childhood.

And the power, skills and personal best I feel behind the wheel, I can also feel in other places. I do not need to be behind the wheel of the car to do that!

Yet, this relationship with time is something else!

I remembered once following a woman who was driving so slow I was about to bust a gasket! I needed to follow her, because she was leading me out of a development of homes to where I needed to be going. I remebered being in awe of her steady driving, no rushing, no need to rush, she was sure and steady. I admired her driving and her grounded-ness to the earth. I wished I had that skill and yet did not know if I ever could drive that slow. What a paradox!!

So what has this to do with and? Well the letter vav is a shape shifter letter. In Biblical Hebrew it is called a "reversive vav" as it turns the past into the future and future into the present. And in English, using the word and instead of but can change the possibilities and change the 'same old thinking' into a 'growth' mindset. If we can hold more than one reality as true, we can change the world. Your pain and my pain are both awful and never should have happened and they did.

So what do I get for denouncing my Speed Queen Crown? I get another chance at life. Just like the state police officer, who stopped me, gave me another chance by marking down the speed I was driving; so can I try something new. And I will see what will happen not to rush through eating, the stop sign, the conversation, the uncomfortable moment. Maybe there is something there I need to notice. Maybe I can learn to make a friend of time.

So why do you speed? What is your relationship to time? I need your help! tell me your thoughts.

We Need Each Other AND Together We Can Do Anything BUT

2011-01-20T07:52:00.005-05:00

A palm grows in Jamaica: growing can be messy and beautiful
As my mind wanders through this blog posting I noticed that I needed to come back to the beginning and give you attention and a focus for what I am trying to write about today..

I am focusing on three ideas: 1) noticing the buts i say under my breath that keep me from staying on the path of my intention, 2)the importance of engaging others in my process as sustainability partners, 3) seeing all this as treating myself as if I were my own lover

And so I begin again:
I laugh at myself as I write the title of this blog. The very word I have been avoiding is right in my face and lives with me every moment as I live my mission of "de-but-ing the world" by substituting the word and for the world but!

And I laugh out loud, knowing I teach what I have to learn!

The many years that my father, of blessed memory, was president of the synagogue he and my mother were members of, he used to end his announcement of events at the end of services with the phrase,"We need each other." I am not sure when or how it came into his consciousness to say this, whether it was being the youngest member of his family or just seeing how divisive we can be. We thought it was great! The phrase became a mantra for his whole family including my daughters Andrea and Ilana and myself. Then the gated community he and my mother lived in even picked up on the phrase. There is a sign by the exit that reads "We need you, buckle up!" And for all his saying the phrase, sadly, I am not sure he believed we needed him by the end of his life.

Several years ago, I had the opportunity of working with some young people who were Fellows of the Acumen Fund. I was given a book, The Blue Sweater, to read and to learn how a woman's belief that "together we can make anything happen" can change the world. Jacqueline Novogratz is founder and CEO of this nonprofit venture capital firm. I loved the phrase as it seemed to take, "we need each other" another step forward. So I used this phrase in my visioning and storytelling workshops as I work with women, encouraging them to think of themselves as leaders of themselves. And at the end of the workshop, before they shared their vision and story, we set up accountability partners to keep them on the path of their vision. I ponder about who are my accountability partners.

I am seeing I am blessed by many. I remember in preparation for my trip around the world, I gathered some friends to put up the map of the world. They kept me honest in following through with my dream. When I was having my Bat Mitzvah, I gathered my friends to ask them to support me by arranging the food in the celebration of that Sabbath. Asking for help, exposing myself to needing someone is very hard to do.

And where am I going? I am headed toward uncovering the "buts", the "competing commitments", as Kegan and Lehey write about the "big assumption" that keep me in old patterns that have kept me emotionally safe in the world. These are my list short list of BUTS:
but what would they say,
but they won't like me
but i do not think i can do it
but what will people think
but i have not enough money
but i am not smart enough
but what about my family i need to think of them too
but i won't do it right
but i do not have time
but it would take too much time
but it wouldn't make a difference

I am frequently aware and often experience the desires in my heart. And the buts are so subtle, quiet, sneaky! I have to laugh at myself and say a thousand ANDs for each BUT!

I am fascinated by the many times I hear from people "Why can't I do what I know I love or want to do?" or "Why do I know what I need to do and cannot follow through?' A teacher of mine, Marc Gafni, talked of 'standing at the edge of fulfillment'. What is it about that moment that thrills me so much that I do not want to leave and I just stay there?

I , also,ask myself when am I going to let go and just do it, be loyal to myself like my clients tell me that I am to them as I keep them honest? Tantra teaches the joy of sitting on the edge and my voice teacher tells me to stay on the edge of emotion and ride the edge! So I am getting to build a relationship with the emotion of the edge and i am going to ride! Yahoooo!

And then yesterday, a client told me of something she wanted to do that she had not done and knew would be good for herself. As we explored and unpacked her desire to the last detail of when she would do what she knew she loved and had avoided, I committed to think of her at that moment she would begin on her journey. And I got this note from her:

*At 1:00, part of me was arguing, "No, don't go. You don't have time. It's more comfortable to stay where you are." Another part was saying (more loudly) "I have already stated my intention to walk at 1:00, and TZipi will be thinking of me walking then. I am going!" That part won out. :-) As soon as I took the first few steps, I was glad. (How often do we do the same in our work and leadership?)
*I decided on the spur of the moment to go in a new direction, and discovered a path I've never been on before. It was a blessing. (How can I reassure my people that the new paths God is leading us onto hold unexpected blessings?)
*I let my mind wander and simply paid attention to what was in front of me at the moment. How refreshing!
*A clear blue sky and bright sunshine sparkling on the snow at the path's edge.
*After about two minutes, the sound of birdsong began to surround me. (How often have I missed out on that by staying cooped up and not getting out there where beauty and wonder and blessings are?)
*I was amazed at how far I walked. I ended up on another side of town and saw things I never pay attention to. (Simone Weil: love is paying attention)
*I stopped on a bridge overlooking a clear rushing trout stream on my way back, and watched and listened to the water for some time. It was a beautiful reminder that the life force is unstoppable, that God is always creating something new, and that I am part of all of that.
*A hawk soared overhead.
*My decision to do one good thing for myself today -- walk -- led to another -- to choose only healthy things to eat for lunch. (Making one wise decision can open up other new possibilities and make other wise decisions easier.)
*I feel better, inside and out!

Blessings of the Vav: I remember my teacher, Rabbi Shefa Gold's latest chant: Renew within me a Spirit of "Yes!" from Psalm 51:12. I have a commitment to my soul's mission.
And as a way of being kind and loving to myself, I am creating sustainability sisters and brothers to keep me on the path! I LOL as I am admitting to myself that I need others as together we can make anything happen. I will ask them to ask me the deep questions that will inspire me and keep me honest! And we will be sustaining each other.
Who are your sustainability partners?

I am Yearning for the Familiar

2011-01-09T10:19:00.003-05:00

And the child will lead them: Etta Grace's joy as she steers the boat has reminded me of my leadership commitment to joy as I am my leading myself back to Home, yet again! LingOL at the never ending learning life I have chosen!

I have been away from my physical home for five days now and everything is new; people, food, room, bed! Even turning on the faucet is a learning experience! And I do not go home for four more days of newness!

So much new and I feel grounded and flowing as I continue to be mindful and to do my rituals of chanting and meditation. And the work I am doing is good! I am being creative and myself. And yet, I am feeling like I am missing something. And there is no one I want to speak with, no one but me to fill the missing-ness.

So I pulled out my iPod and began to listen to the music and I noticed the tears falling down my cheek as my heart began to open again. Oh, that is what has been happening, I have covered my heart! I have disconnected with a part of myself. I have managed to avoid the other feelings that arise when I am traveling and excited about the adventure.

And the people around me are loving and I am not receiving, as I am in a "back up-armor on" stance. I am the cat who is feels unsafe and the woman who is missing the familiar. Oh, Halleluyah! for these quiet moments of self discovery! I am eternally grateful for solitude taken and self love given.

The joy has been there all along and I have not been in alignment and I have forgotten my commitment: stop, listen and reflect. And now I will go for a swim, laughing out loud at and with myself. Returning home is a moment to celebrate!

I Think I am Falling in Love With G!D!

2011-01-02T22:29:00.004-05:00

Holding the paradox of real life: hard and soft, sharp and sweet, cold and warm, at the Israeli-Lebanon border, 'The Good Fence', Metula, Israel.
The other day, I heard and felt a voice that thought about falling in love with G!D. And it felt good this thought. It felt good right in the middle of my body, expanding my heart, just a little bit with a sense of joy. I was shy about it and let it be. Then I thought, "what would my friends say if I told them I was falling in love with G!D?" "Who cares!" my adolescent voice said. Maybe I need new friends. And how many would think I was strange? And they do already, I laughed out loud at that thought!

Then, when I started to ponder the idea further, as my interest was peeked, I tried to figure how to fall in love with G!D. Of course, this mountain in front of me is my responsibility to climb, to determine what falling in love with G!D really truly means. And then, I started to feel awkward and and inept, as there must be only one way of falling in love with G!D. And I, poor me, did not know the 'right' way to do it! And all the ideas that started to flow into my consciousness sounded 'not good enuff', in my estimation. They were ideas like, "become orthodox". And as much as I love structure and order, that world is too far one way for me. I want an interfaith, multi-racial, multi-generational community. Like Brooklyn!

Then the thought came "maybe I do not have to figure out how to fall in love with G!D. I can let G!D tell me, show me what G!D needs from me. Then that G!D will know that I am in love with G!D".

And then I thought, "get simple, basic... " I am made in the likeness of G!D and maybe all I have to do is love me and that would be loving G!D. Then I wondered if I was being blasphemous. I have to do it right, you see, to be good.

Now this sounds convoluted and a little unsure of myself. And that is just where I am now in terms of my relationship with The One Who Hardens Peoples Hearts and Who is the Compassionate One, Who Is Without End, being what god will be. I was trying to invoke the Loving-Kindness of the One Who Connects Us All of a three letter word.

I do not believe there is a personal G!D and yet I do have my own personal relationship with the Source of All Blessings. I wonder what the difference is? I decided this is academic and one way thinking. How can anyone prove that their way is right or wrong of loving G!D? There can be as many ways of loving G!D as there are people on the planet. And maybe G!D may not be the word some use, preferring Source, Higher Power, The Light. There are so many languages that describe this energy that is no where and everywhere. And I do not think that any of those words involve violence, greed, killing, abuse, dishonesty or disconnecting. And I know that a seed bursting forth through the earth or animals who kill for survival or giving birth as the head reshapes itself and the vagina widens and the womb pushes the infant from its cocoon is painful.

So, I will continue to seek and be open to receiving the feeling I felt when the thought feeling arose within me. Maybe it is around the next corner, maybe I am on the edge of fulfillment soon to find the missing piece of the puzzle and the door bell will ring and some one will offer me a million dollars for winning the lottery for falling in love with G!D.

Laughing out loud, I place my head on my pillow, hoping sleep will come, and then I, like the seekers before me, will dream sweet dreams of finding home, knowing we will wake in the morning refreshed and reunited with the soul we took life for, ready to seek fulfillment again, and again and again.

As you see, I will never complete the puzzle, until my life is over. And only The One knows when that is... maybe. Who knows and Who ain't tellin'! So here I go again, walking the path of my deepest desire, swerving off and on, always returning to open my heart to Love.

The Importance of Being You, Honoring Difference

2010-12-12T09:04:00.005-05:00

The beauty of nature, repeating itself and each time never being the same.

I think I may be getting boring. Friends would say that is impossible. Maybe redundant, saying the same thing too many times! Yet, obviously the mind I live with continues to stay with one thought until I get it. And sometimes I am sooo slow!

This morning's meditation brought me to thinking about the importance of being your self, the SOV teaches that only when you stand upright in who you are can you hook up others. And who really wants to be alone? Even in the Torah it is written that it is not good for human to be alone. And as coach of leaders, I know that collaboration is essential to making the world a better place. We are in desperate need of partnerships, of courageous followers who will speak up and over and down to all they work with.

So I have been playing with the thought that Abraham, through Esther Hicks, teaches when they spoke to a gay man. That being different and being out encourages people to deal with their own angst about difference. Jonathan Sachs in Dignity of Difference writes that we all come from the same source and evolve into our own unique holy selves. Holy, from Hebrew Wisdom, means separate, unique, discrete. Kahil Gilbran wrote about the coming together of two souls for love, that 'may the winds of heaven dance between the oak and the willow'. I hear in his words the importance of being your unique self and dancing together with the Divine's blessings.

And yet the mind loves to compare and judge those different from us. And we either come up short or better than the other.

If the Torah had only be written in the positive what it said in the negative maybe people would learn not to covet your neighbor but to honor your own gifts. Appreciative Inquiry teaches that what you give attention to will grow! Do not covet, means we are already doing it. So what can we do that would put the energy into making relationships work. Hedy and Yumi teach about building bridges to the holy sacred space where the past remains in the past and the present offers opportunities to listen and to hear, to mend the hearts that yearn for connectedness, to let down the wall a bit, to welcome the stranger as your self. To learn and know her or him and yourself within that moment.

I say let us give attention to how we can learn how to connect, not separate ourselves from each other by building walls around us, by comparing and contrasting. Let us learn how to have a mindset of growth, what do I want to learn, I can I be in the now?

enough rambling!!

We cannot hide who we are, that only encourages others to not have to face our own differences.

As a Jew, I am not going to hide, G!D made sure of that, circumcision for one thing. Different way of praying, different Sabbath day, different holiday schedule from the majority Christian community. The Nazis would also say big noses, and so do our Middle Eastern neighbors!
So I wear my Jewish Star earrings with pride, yet always telling the story how I got them. They are a gift from my Christian friends who found them in India.

As a lesbian, who is not in relationship, I can pass. My Black friends or other people of color, cannot pass. So how can I be out?

Then there is dialect and pronunciation that will expose one, like the people from South Carolina I met on the beach yesterday.. Pass as what I say to myself? as one of them, not to make waves and not to stand out.

As a woman, I felt I had to be careful of what I wore, so my breasts would not distract from what I was saying. I am over it! I am on the cusp of 70, so just be me! wild woman!

We are such funny people! I can only laugh at loud at me!

Rushing Off to New Things With the Wisdom of the Past

2010-11-19T09:26:00.005-05:00

Balance of Power:hand made paper from India

Blessings of Being Awake:Many years ago when familial depression was a regular visitor, I remember making a commitment to myself. Each time I felt useless, internally stuck, helpless, and no energy to do anything and not being able to see beyond my nose, that I would remember my ancestors who were in concentration camps and say to myself, "i am only bound by the limitations of the mind, I have more choices than they did." And my 'sorry for myself' moment shifted a bit to help me see other options.
Earlier this week, I found myself not being able to find passion and interest. And yet, like many of my ancestors, I kept moving through the day searching for the light that might appear at any moment. Last night's meditation class was a very bright light. And this morning, after meditation , I pulled the Daughter of Wands card from the MotherPeace Round Tarot deck. I felt the earth/fire energy and knew I was "integrating the wisdom of the past" into the present moment.
Spiritual Challenge: I am committed to the intention of seeing myself as a whole person with a rich full past integrated into my present, apart of both heaven and earth, never alone therefore connected to many souls and being influenced by them as they by me. When I traveled solo around the world, an important piece of wisdom came to my consciousness; I was matter and therefore I mattered in the world. I could not longer think of myself as unattached, a hungry ghost searching for redemption.
Spiritual Practice: I re-named myself with the name of the woman I was named after, Faga Tubie, the good bird. I use the Hebrew version to remind me of my divine connection to HaRachamana, the Compassionate One. Like Jacob, I have two names, one given me by my parents and one chosen for me by The Never Ending Love. Introducing myself with that name is the most natural experience for me. I believe it was the name I was known by before I was born.
Blessings of the Vav: the story is never over, just continues from generation to generation.
Andrea took on a new name, Simcha as joy is what she feels in the work she has chosen. May we all be blessed to wrestle with the Divine and find our Self.

It's My Job To be Me

2010-11-18T21:51:00.005-05:00

Etta being Etta: we have so much to learn from our young ones who are determined to be them self!
Blessings of Being Awake: "It's my job" she said with great pride and ease to my thanking her for being so naturally out as lesbian. "Its my job", I repeated to myself several times as I walked away from Alix Dobkin, singer, song writer, author. What a role model and sister collaborator I thought. She is inspiring me to continue on my path of self love. A path I am not sure I could be walking if Mona, of blessed memory, was still alive.

My Spiritual Challenge is to go to find the edge and then to leap. I am learning to know and stay true to my core beliefs and then to walk the talk, to live as if I were 'treating myself as if I were my own lover." To do this I must stay connected to the moment and to the One Without End who wraps Her Self around and inside of me, forever faithful, protective.

My Spiritual Practice is as always to breathe deeply, expanding the narrow spaces anxiety brings. When I go within, I am led by The One Without End, HaRachamana, The Compassionate One down the path of righteousness. "Be proud of your differentness", I hear my heart saying. "Enjoy your outsider status", you are Kadosh-separate, unique...You". "Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think!"
Blessings of the Vav: As I evoke the 6th letter of the Hebrew alphabet within me, I walk between heaven and earth. I am a connector, a hook, a holy priestly letter. I am standing erect in my own uniqueness ready to connect. What chutzpah it took to listen and then validate by giving attention to the thought 'society of the vav' so it could grow! Nothing new for me, if I look back on my life. I have been here before and answer "but" to my ideas. And this time I am integrating those moments as I write another chapter in this holy life I have been given. What is your amazing miracle story?

Just be You

2010-11-18T13:26:00.004-05:00

Blooming: I look at these flowers and I wonder if they ever doubt themselves, compare their bloom to others and come up short or feel desperately alone. And then my tears start doing their thing as I laugh out loud remembering 'I just need to be me.' Isn't that what I have been practicing all these years. Just do it your way and it will be right. It might not get me an A by someone elses' standard. And no one else is grading me but me! " Just be average", I hear Pat saying, and I know my 'average' is amazing!

Blessings of Being Awake: Tonight I will have an hour to impart my joy of Hebrew Wisdom and meditation to a group who is paying to learn from me. I am anxious and I am relaxed. I want to do it right and my intention is to be improvisational and learn while having fun. So I am reading some new information and remembering all my classes and my own practice. I know whatever happens in that 60 minutes will be perfect and direct from my heart that sits in the body that holds wisdom.

I feel grounded in my experiences and the many people who have imparted their wisdom to me. I have learned directly and indirectly from many people and to them I dedicate our time tonight: Stephen and Ondrea Levine, Stephen and Rosemary Weisman and students at Wat Kohw Tam, Thailand, Abby Karp, Thich Nhat Hanh and everyone at Plum Village, France, Joseph Goldstein, Rabbi David and Shoshanah Cooper, Rabbi Sheila Perltz Weinberg, Rabbi Jeff Roth, Rabbi Joanna Katz , Sylvia Bornstein and all my teachers at the Metta Center of Barrie, Ma, Rabbi Jonathan Omer-Man and Nan Fink, and Richard White, Beth Lynn and Brett Ferrigan and students at Shambala House and many others yet to be named.

I have practiced by myself, reading books and driven by something I did not understand. And I have been given instruction and space to learn. In Thailand I walked away knowing that the teaching had saved my life. I have taught others and they were appreciative. Today is different. And I know nothing and I know everything I need to know. So whether it is because there is no one in between me and the Divine; or because I am finally living that there is something bigger than me and I am paradoxically surrendering while being an active partner by just saying 'Yes'.

Listening to the inner voices, led me to the Society of the Vav, that led me to 'Yes and' exercise in improv. And there is no time like now, Hayom Yom, this day, this moment to continue the saga of this life. And I am doing it, Ahni, I, TZiPi Radonsky, woman in all my permutations of roles. And I am in joy!! Come join me, so we can play Ahnachnu, we, together.

Getting the Whole Picture

2010-11-07T08:58:00.006-05:00

A close up a piece of the Tree of Life, does not say everything about the tree, just a moment in the viewers perspective and time.
Blessings of Being Awake: As I was walked into the auditorium that was quickly filling up for the show last night, I saw Edie standing in a row looking around, as if she was waiting for someone. My heart got excited as I walked over to greet her. I have loved this woman from our first meeting in the workout dressing room when I first moved to Century Village. She had lived many years in Israel and loved to speak Hebrew with me, as I with her. She loved to sing in Yiddish and was so full of fun and joy. She endearingly called me Tzipila. Yet, this woman I kissed and spoke in Hebrew with last night was engaged in make believe. She called me by another name, looking blankly in my face and appeared cautious, not wanting me to know what she knew she did not know. As I left her to find my seat, I remembered the picture I had taken of her last November. She was standing at the voting entrance holding the sign for Obama over her head with a big smile on her face. I imagined that as her family went through her things, they would see this picture and remember this other time when she was full of life. And I felt full of many emotions, wanting to hold this whole picture, the variations of her life of her life.
Several week ago in the "Adventures in Intimacy" workshop, Hedy talked about having many marriages; and what we were seeing that weekend was a another marriage to the same man, a different incarnation. So When Yumi said at one point that in one of those marriages that he had been a jerk, i had to remember the plethora of roles we each play in a life time. And I had to welcome myself back into my heart and forgive me for all the expectations i have that makes me my enemy. I am my friend, my best friend, and as Kahane writes on, I study both love, living the 'we', and the power, fulfilling my soul's mission.

Laughing out loud, I say to myself , I am being forced by various experiences to hold multiple realities, not only am i expanding my lungs through being at very high altitudes and breathing deeply as I sing with my shruti box, I am also expanding the mind, proving that old dogs can learn new tricks and fulfilling my mother's comment "you are my Einstein".

Blessings of the Vav and Ecclesiastes and Solomon. Believing in the transformation of the soul, in its many season while holding the variant colors of possibilities is having faith and hope in something bigger than me, the Mystery of Life, The One Without End, the Compassionate One.

Hallelu Yah, Praise The One Without End

2010-11-05T08:16:00.003-04:00

Crisp October Boston morning after a wonderful visit with my beloved cousin Linda.
Blessings of Being Awake: Sometimes being awake is not fun. I wrote this poem after a Sunday of being the only chaplain in a hospital in Greensboro, NC. It was a day full of many challenges. When I reread the words of the poem, visual and visceral memories arise, from the new born in the NICU whose mother sat beside the incubator, very confused as she watched her child struggle to hold onto life to an elderly woman whose husband sat beside her crying as she took her last breath. At the time, I was more easily using the more familiar word for The One Without End, god. Today, this word feels flat and I want a more active word for the Never Ending Love. Also, at the time, I was finding again my identity as a Jew. I was discovering that the word I said in Hebrew, Halleluyah, was also being said by my sister and brother Christians, Praise God! I was living in the in the bible belt where these words rolled of the tongues of the people around me. And I felt those words were their language and if I said them I would be less Jewish. I laugh as I write this thinking that we are such funny people with our small minds. And I felt uncomfortable speaking their language, especially with the same intensity. In writing the words of this poem, I was getting used to their language, trying it on for size, making it mine, learning from them what I did not think that I knew; that The Rachamana, the Compassionate One, the One I desperately wanted to know, had saved my life for some purpose I have yet to understand.

Praise God for creating home
Even when we cannot find it
Praise God for bringing us home
Even when we do not know when we get there
Praise God for spitting us out
Even when we are not ready
Praise God for catching us
Even into awkward hands
Praise God for each breath, tear, sigh
Even when we are embarrassed by the emoting
Praise God for the voice that sings your praise
Even when out of tune
Praise God for every life you take
Even when the anger exacerbates the pain
Praise God for each life you give
Even when we cannot appreciate your miracle
Praise God for the resiliency modeled
Even when we cannot get unstuck
Praise God for the vulnerability we often experience
Even when we are shamed into silence
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God!
Why not praise God
Better than damming the pain in my heart
for all those whose grief I witnessed today.

Blessings of the Vav: AND I will always have another chance to make another decision, to re-look at the decisions I have made. Hebrew Wisdom teaches me that I always have the Right of Return, tshuvah, returning to my true self and to be true to my souls's journey. I want to continue to grow the mochine d'gadlute, the big mind, to gain perspective, to give myself the time to learn what an amazing soul lives within me.

National Coming Out Day: Smiling at Fear

2010-10-09T10:28:00.009-04:00

Phyllis & TZiPi at the Valentine's Day Sweetheart Ball for the Sonia Plotnick Health Fund, St Petersberg, FL, 2010.
Reflections on National Coming Out Day, October 11
Blessings of Being Awake: In 1977 I met my first Jewish lesbian and fell in love. Today we are still friends and still in love enough to keep working on our relationship. I was just coming out as a woman loving women. I was recently divorced, a single mom and a second year Occupational Therapy student. There were so many new experiences, so much to learn, so many trips and falls and so many fears that I could neither name nor face. There was so much I did not know that I did not know.

Spiritual Challenge:

Laughing with myself as an act of self love as I begin to notice and then let go of the fears of not wanting others to know stuff about me, when the fact is they already do.

Remembering that loving another is often easier than loving oneself and that when I do not love myself there is so much pain. Although I have practiced since 1995 to "treat myself as if I were my own lover", I am still a beginner.

Accepting myself in all of who I am. Now that I am the oldest I have every been, with all those physical changes I do not like, takes a maturity and perspective I know I do not always have! Despite these challenges, I am going to keep heading toward the unknown, as it is an act of love. As the Hebrews spoke, "We will do and then we will understand."

Learning that coming-out is a moment to moment, self-discovery experience. My coming-out must be done with love and a commitment to my soul's mission. Therefore, I hold the Torah's teaching that The One Without End, The Compassionate One is Holy, so, too am I Holy.

Spiritual Practice: To smile and remember that I am made in the image and likeness of the Divine. I am amazing most of the time and sometimes, as my Uncle Harry, the Doc, of blessed memory, would say, a jerk. I breathe deeply and say, "I am holy, sagging boobs, varicose veins, wrinkled face, gray haired wizened one." I can not hide from the Unending Love within me, nor do I want to hide from the mirror. I am good, kind and loving even when I wonder about that truth.
Blessings of the Vav: The Vav reminds me it is never to late to face the fears and come-out. Kathy Bates in the movie Unconditional Love is a great role model of the bravery of a warrior. So, I ordered the shruti box, a small wooden box that makes droning sounds to use while I am making voice sounds that Deborah, my voice therapy coach taught me. I am coming out as an experiential learner. I am experimenting with the Divine, being at one with all my fears. I am smiling at my fears as they evaporate. I am enjoying myself, my shruti box, my sounds and this life gifted to me.
May your coming-out be blessed, too!

Reminders of the Joy in Being Me.

2010-10-05T11:56:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Staying Awake: Alicia taught us during the vision quest preparation and debrief to pay attention to what nature was trying to teach through her many and varied gifts. I had asked the mountains to offer me insight on the pilgrimage. Here are two cherished gifts that i am still allowing the knowing to evolve. This is where I sit today.
On the afternoon of the first day of the trek I was walking with Del and responding to her questions about what happened to the sacrifices in the Old Testament. At one point I was distracted and looked down and there was this piece of wood that looked just like a bird. I quickly picked it up and carried it carefully as a treasure; explaining my excitement to Dell in finding this piece of wood that my name means little bird in Hebrew. In getting back to the sacrifices, I explained that the root of the word for sacrifice is Korban, which mean to bring close. After the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, the rabbis created prayer services, contemplation from the heart, to create the opportunity that the sacrifices offered. Those prayer services are now moments of being close with the Divine three times a day.
On the third day of the trek, Len and I had gone for a short walk where he was coaching me in how to slow down, take baby steps and be totally in the now, to use my breath carefully and deeply. Our conversation related to many things including my mother's death and the grief work yet I had to do. As I came to my tent feeling ready for the next day's walk up to the highest peak, I bent down to unzip the tent and there was this huge stone in the shape of the heart. I feel a connection to heart shaped hearts and quickly placed it inside the tent to be carried with my gear. I was taking this home, no matter the weight! And this morning as I told the story of finding the heart to Chuck, i spoke to my first attraction to the text in the Torah, 'circumcise your heart and don't have a stiff neck.' I need to circumcise my heart, remove the covering, learn something new about me, or as it says later in Deuteronomy, ' the Divine will circumcise it for you!'
Spiritual Challenge: To notice the gift and go deeper than the physicality of what presents itself. I will try to notice when I 'judge a book by its cover' as I may never open it and may miss what there is inside that will nurture my soul. I want to remember that everything has a spark of Ayn Sof, The-One-Without-End in it. I want to continue to believe that I am worthy of the gifts and keep turning them over until I find the essence.
Spiritual Practice: I will keep telling the story, until I unpack the secret message just for me. Today I am honoring my choice of using the Hebrew word TZiPi to introduce me by and to take pride in my connection to the tradition that continues to feed me. What I did naturally is who I am. And i am unburdened and free to be that me that i am.
Blessings of the Vav: We are told in Hebrew Wisdom, 'never stop doing' while 'knowing we will never finish'. There will always be a 'yes, and' moment, another opportunity to see a different point of view, gain perspective from some one else or even myself. The River of Light is endless and is flowing. I am learning how to swim!

2010-09-06T11:39:00.005-04:00

Coming and goings of eternity: meeting again, still tasting delicious
Blessings of Staying Awake: Today my friend ME called from Canada. She reminded me of 'guest consciousness', a phrase that arose in the mind of me while I was traveling in New Zealand and a guest in Annette's home. ME has been using the phrase frequently, while I had forgotten it after I took it off the title of my book.
Spiritual Challenge: To remember that whether I am birthing from the womb or birthing from the heart, each is a holy offspring that needs to be nurtured. 'but no one listens' is not an option, I am need to listen. I need to listen!
Spiritual Practice: Make a list of the ideas that have come through me honor them some how!
Blessings of the Vav: I have fallen in love with AND because I want to de-but the world. First, I have to de-but my world and begin noticing how often i say 'ya, but! ' to my birthings. And LOL!!

Collecting The Dots of Being 'Gotten'

2010-09-01T08:00:00.005-04:00

Divine Sparks Creating the Universal Force Field
Blessings of Being Awake: There have been moments in my life when i feel I had been 'gotten'! There was no need to try to be any one else but me. And I felt the tenderness, the acceptance, the joy right down to my core that did not need to hide, be politically correct or 'hush-up'. Those are rare moments when I have met some one who knows me better than I know me, the Self that walks too often in fear, loneliness, straight-jacketed.
Staying home this summer, making my travels purely domestic, has offered me the opportunity to open my heart to me and the struggles of re-learning how to love me, by remembering those who knew what it was like to be different and found me in the crowd of their life, and bestowed their kindness in their joy of finding clan.
One of the dots I am collecting was James Kavanaugh, a poet who came to Aiken, SC in the early 70's, thanks to my friend Beverly, to share his work and self. He was my family's guest for a dinner filled with being seen with chesed, loving kindness. He wrote 'Wisdom is not taught. Systems are taught. Wisdom comes from experiencing life.' And my dear therapist Tim reminded me that being mindful of the experience in one's body-mind-spirit is the gift we give ourselves to help us 'get' ourselves! And to experience the experience I must be awake.
Spiritual Challenge: I am beginning to collect the dots, the moments, the experiences when i was 'gotten' and name them and celebrate those courageous souls. And what I am beginning to notice, is that what i learned from them unconsciously, I am passing forward. And I do, when i am kind, laugh at life, ask for a name, listen to a story, cry with someone, offer to sit beside someone in their pain, celebrate the joy of a triumph. That is my job and my life's work is to learn that what I do for others I must do for me, too. I know loneliness, too well. And I have been touched by the light, the ner tamid, eternal light of these holy souls.
Spiritual Practice: I often say 'I am blessed' when asked how I am doing by strangers. I say it not because I was feeling blessed in the moment before i was asked. I do it to remind me of the blessings bestowed upon me when i was not even looking. By collecting these dots, I am collecting the blessings of the many experiences i have been gifted with by the Souls who 'got' me. And in this holy month of Elul, I am asking them for fogiveness for not telling them 'thank you'. And I am forgiving myself for not noticing their light they so generously shared with me.
Blessings of the Vav: Jim has died without me telling him thank you. And I will share this blog entry with his family. www.lifestorynet.com The Vav, is so holy in holding the linking energy and the individuality of the self. I have been blessed to listen to my heart that sits in the emotional state of the body and honor the words that came to me by creating this blog. There is a Society of the Vav and it is coming alive like me.

A New Name, A New Relationship

2010-08-15T10:13:00.007-04:00

Origami; Making Hope Come Alive, Peace Park, Hiroshima, Japan
Blessings of Being Awake: In this most holy month of Elul, when we blow the Shofar everyday to remind us to wake up and come back to our true self, I am choosing to focus on something to prepare my soul and being-ness for the new year 5771. I have chosen to change my relationship with the three letter word for the Mystery of All Life, Blessing Bestower. These three letters, g-o-d, have lost their luster with me and have become more problematic than supportive and loving. There is an emptiness when I say this word. And now that my parents are dead and I am an orphan who must truly take care of me as there is no one else to do this, I am sensing a becoming of a more aliveness and as Rabbi Dovid Zeller, of blessed memory sings, believing in this aliveness as me. I have choosen a name for this Divine Ayn Sof, The One Without End that is Unending Love that empowers me and speaks to my wholeness. And for now it is HaRachamana, the Compassionate One. And I am smiling.
Spiritual Challenge: To remember that I am holy and I am HaRachamana, without judging the forgetting of falling back into the old familiar patterns of doubt. And to remember that I can hold Me as HaRachamana holds me and I can empty my body of anything that is not needed to be held any longer. Letting me back into my heart and my womb, and as Mystical Hebrew teaches, I am being the androgynous giver and receiver that I am.
Spiritual Practice:Breathing in the name, noticing my visceral reaction; breathing out the name and noticing the body's response. HaRachamana lives within for those moments I am awake and even when I am asleep walking through my life.
Blessings of the Vav: There is no end to what the mind can imagine and if i connect the dots, all the dots, i can begin to feel included in the the ten thousand things, no longer an outsider. When I listen to me, the HaRachamana, there is only possibilities.

'Love is All You Need' Is Not Enough for Me Today

2010-08-09T09:15:00.007-04:00

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole Coming Out Alive
Blessings of Being Awake: I noticed the passion in my voice and the excitement in my body as I was talking to Cheryl yesterday about how I was interpreting the concepts of power and love that Adam Kahane wrote about in his book Power and Love. He expanded on Martin Luther King's and Paul Tillich's writing on love and power while telling his story with great vulnerability and inquiry of his work on social change. I told her that a book had not excited that much interest in me in a long time; I had written and drawn all over the margins, the notes invoking thoughts and emotions and a lot of Vavs and ands. And as I ranted on, I got clearer about how important these two energies were for me. Love is all you need has been my mantra; loving myself as if I were my own lover has been my intention. And in trying to figure out what that exactly meant has been my practice! And in this moment, what I am aware of is the missing element to loving me is power, the generative energy to grow my soul.

Spiritual Challenge: And in living as an only child, introvert, solo-no partner, I have ignored the love, the generative energy of connectedness and unity. My challenge is to learn how to live the paradox of I and We simultaneously. Oy vay, just writing those words makes me nauseous! This must be a large threshold to cross and I am on it making the transition to the other side, feeling the power and the love.
And I read the words of the poem that Nelson Mandela used during his imprisonment that are stuck on my computer and they inspire me forward, 'I am the master of my soul and I am the captain of my fate'. And I link them together with the words Hillel wrote, ' If I am not for myself who will be? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?'

Spiritual Practice: In my workshops on visioning and storytelling and strategic planning I use the phrase, ' together we can make anything happen' and often remember my father's famous line, 'we need each other.' So I need the mind, even when it separates me from others, I must value my body that holds all the emotions and sometimes cannot do every yoga move, and i must remember my Spirit that even when not physically seen I can feel. And I need you as you need me to be complete, individual and unique and connected. My practice is to live as if I am one, interdependent, intra-dependent, fulfilling my soul's mission to grow and heal the world for us together.

Blessings of the Vav: Is that this Otiot, letter Vav, exists with it's own intelligence and has the holiness of the mystical energy of connectedness, as she stands between heaven and earth, within the emotional torso of me, the third letter of the One Without End. And I am circumcising my heart, loosening the thickness of my neck and coming home.

Inspiration: Seeing the Garden Through the Doorway

2010-07-11T11:31:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Learning for me has to be on my terms, I learn, like my teachers the Baal Shem Tov and the Buddha, by my own experience. Too often in the past I have felt like a failure trying to fit into someone else system, as in repeating the 5th grade because I could not get the multiplication tables down...reversing too many numbers or in grad school in quantitative statistics when I just could not get the concepts. Deep breath!! And here i am again on the edge of learning something really big and it involves all of me, head, body, spirit. I am learning to be consciously vulnerable with people who I think need me to be strong. I cannot hold my suffering in to myself any longer.
Spiritual Challenge: I need to believe and trust that this learning will benefit the world; that what I am practicing and getting good at is not just about me. And I need to remember that while I am saving my life and uncovering my pure soul by bringing me back into my heart, I am also living a life knowing i am unconditionally loved by the Ayn Sof, the One Without End, and am connecting with all that there is that is being loved. There is no hierarchy of who is loved.
Spiritual Practice: Deep breathing in and expiring and emptying all doubts and creating space for holding me and the pain of separation from the universe. Sitting in meditation knowing that this still time with me is building a relationship with me. And I will be laughing out loud at me for trying so hard to be perfect. I am taking the advice of two wise people. Nick Vacc of blessed memory, chair of my doctoral program department who told us PH.D. candidates, 'settle for a B'. And Pat Ryan in Improve Wisdom writes, be average.
Blessings of the Vav: I am no longer staying in confusion, i am more clear what my path is, so the 'but' is being left out fairly frequently from my vocabulary, as it is with my friends and clients and colleagues. And as I become more clear, my world opens up and I am feeling the blessings of the Unconditional Lover. Yes and, I am ready to cross the threshold into new learning.

2010-06-26T13:47:00.002-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: While focusing on my life's mission I checked this blog and noticed I had not written in a while. So I am making time for what grounds me in the now and honors what I love doing, expressing myself with the written word. It is Shabbat and I am working on my lap top that does not have all my photos on it and I wondered about what image would be available for me to use. As soon as I looked at this picture of Etta Grace that her mother, my daughter Ilana had taken, i could feel the rightness of the choice in every cell of my body and especially in my eyes that yearned to release the tears of knowing that I am at the right place at the right time.
Spiritual Challenge: To not let the mind create boundaries around right and wrong. To hold onto my innocence or as the sign at the airport said 'dance like no one is watching'. To be the Neshama, the pure soul I took life for and continue to honor her journey. To focus on what brings me joy and find joy in what I do everyday. To remember age is only a number and everyone can be my teacher and that suffering is not an option and that kindness to myself is my core value. To laugh at me and with me.
Spiritual Practice: I am making time for my creative projects and interlacing them with my cognitive work knowing they feed each other and therefore me. I am remembering that I can practice anywhere and use different tools to create. To notice the judger voice and say there is no right or wrong about me, all is me and sometimes i am just not patient, kind and loving and it is perfect, as the Kabbalist would respond, in the physical world. And as I move through the world and practice accepting all of amazing me, it will be easier for me to live with others.
Blessings of the Vav: I can always pause and look in the mirror, face to face, and say YES! you are fun to be with!

Do you talk with G!D?

2010-06-02T11:49:00.003-04:00

Blessings of being Awake: And another opportunity arrived to try something i encourage others to do. Talk with G!D.
Spiritual Challenge: So, I wonder who is G!D, Where is this G!D I want to talk with, to? I usually say G!D is good. Well, is that true? I am a Jew, I wrestle with G!D. Which G!D? Outside, inside, female, male, a blade of grass, a bird flying by? How can I focus on one?
Spiritual Practice:breathing deep, i smile and decide not to suffer as I go back to creating with paint, stamps and fabric. Praying that the Divine Source of All That Is , the One Without End will shut down my mind and flow through my hands creating beauty, reflecting my soul.
Blessings of the Vav: Only when i am standing tall in all that i am and in all my possibilities, not suffering more than in that moment remembering that i can choose life and joy. Yes and i am living a Vav-nik life.

Yes and

2010-05-14T12:28:00.003-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: It is so important for me to notice my allies when they show up! Today I go an email from Chuck about Second City doing an exercise with a management group in Germany where they played with the concepts of 'yes and vs yes but'! And they enjoyed the process.

Spiritual Challenge: There were so many thoughts that flash through the mind when I read his words. The one thought I chose to hold onto was an Ethiopian wisdom quote: many spider webs coming together can tie up a lion.

Spiritual Practice: I often forget I am not alone, ever! And when I do I usually trip over my feet. I am beginning to see that seeing the sparks of G!D in everyone and everything is like getting a hug from the universe and feeling loved and seen and known. Connie would say and I would agree 'can't get any better than that!'

Blessings of the Vav: In a rush to mail each of my daughters a card i did not seal nor put a stamp on them and somehow the cards were received. When I half do a task sometimes there is an entity, we call Nana, who makes sure our back are covered and we feel so blessed. May everyone be so blessed.

Shabbat Shalom, blessings of a sweet and renewing day and Hag Someach, joyous holiday blessings. May you be at the right place at the right time to receive the Word

Intro to the kaddish

2010-04-22T13:36:00.002-04:00

Wild iris growing in the North of Israel by the zip line.
In the Spring of 2007, my Grandson Ashby and I traveled with hundreds of other teenages and adults from all over the world in the March of the Living. We spent one week touring and experiencing Poland and one week learning Israel. On our first day in Warsaw, we visited the Jewish cemetary and as I walked silently through the winding rows, I found I had wandered away from the group to the edges of the cemetary. I came across many tombstones that lay one atop of another, on their side and in ravines covered with dead leaves, vines and debris. Our leader had told us that many of these cemetaries were not being kept up and yet this area felt more lonely and forgotten and I felt a deep sadness as well as a righteous anger.

When I returned back to the USA, I was aware of a deep need to honor my journey and those who had been abandoned and been victims of hate. I had already been standing for many years to say Kaddish for all those who have no one to honor their memory. Yet, because of my experiences in Poland and Israel I now understood and recited the words that praised the Work of the Divine with feelings and images that connected me to these lands and people.

In the fall of 2009, it had been a little over a year since I had finished the eleven months of saying Kaddish for my Father of blessed memory when my Mother suddenly and tragically died. A week after her accident I was traveling for work and alone in a hotel room. I felt lonely and in my grief compelled to recite the ancient rhythmic chant Aramaic words that I had been speaking with my daughters, neighbors and friends the previous week. I know that traditionally one says the Kaddish in the presence of a Minyan, ten men. Yet, that has not been my custom and as I stood by the window looking at the sun setting and began reading the words that I had come to know so well, I hoped my G!D would understand that my intention was more important than the rules. And as I spoke, I sensed the room beginning to fill with the energy of souls dressed in the various winter garb of the people of Eastern Europe during World War II. I was in awe and I was deeply moved and comforted by Presence and felt soothed by their compassion as remembered the truth that I am never alone.

Blessings of the Vav: In those moments, I became aware, as others before me, of the power of the words of this prayer that honors transitions that occur during death; Kaddish Yatum, the Mourner's Kaddish, a prayer to be said by the 'orphan' with the intention to remind the heart and and offer a paradoxical state to the mind that in the midst of grief and sorrow there is an amazing world that we inhabit. for me consciousness is being awake and is the first step toward healing my broken heart and if I can hold both the grief and the joy, only then is healing possible for me.

A Retreat in the Moment

2010-04-06T09:23:00.009-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I had an amazing moment this morning that I want to remember so I am writing to get clear with what happened! As i sat in meditation i noticed a feeling, that I can only define as 'refreshed', an experience I have had on long silent retreats. And the feeling lasted for quite a while, even now i can conjure the emotion up and i smile. Delicious!
Spiritual Challenge: To keep doing and being while being open to the surprises that gift me like the sweet orange blossom aroma that wafted my way as I rolled down the windows last week driving through central Florida. The traffic had slowed down and I had felt stuffy in my air conditioned car and wanted some fresh air. What a sweet aroma delight!!!
Spiritual Practice: keep being faithful to me by setting aside the time in the morning to just sit and focus on the miracle of a body that breathes all by itself. So today I sat by the open windows, connecting with the natural world and listened to the birds and felt the sun on my body as my chest rose and fell with each inspiration and expiration. And maybe I will know that the Divine Holy One of Blessing is in this place and that i am Home.
Blessings of the Vav: In traditional Judaism we count 49 days or sheaves of wheat called Omers between the second day of Passover and the giving of the Torah, Shavuot. In mystical Hebrew Wisdom we do this with the intention of refining our soul so we can receive the Torah as free people worthy of this holy gift. An emotion, or characteristic associated with G!D, is focused on each week and another for each day. This first week is loving-kindness and yesterday was bonding. Loving kindness is getting easier for me to hold, especially with myself and bonding is something that has seemed foreign and unlearn-able to me since I began this practice several years ago. Yet, in the practice of being a Vav and holding onto an 'and' mode of never giving up, always having hope and knowing that 'this too will pass', I still held the intention for 24 hours that I might have some insight into how to bond. I think today i bonded and the Most Holy One of Blessings was there and i took my shoes off my feet and i saw the burning bush that was not consumed and i heard my name called and tears flowed as i had arrived at an awesome Place i never thought i would experience. And in this moment I said 'Halleluyah', knowing that sometimes you can only know the Divine after She has visited.

I Need to Sleep with Competition

2010-03-22T17:17:00.005-04:00

picture: A tree grows in the Negev: this poem was written as a weaving of the study of Sarah, the first Matriarch of Hebrew Wisdom and this author's spiritual autobiography.

I need to sleep with competition
I want to know her intimately
her curves, lines and jagged edges
Her ins and outs
The dark hidden places and those that protrude

I need to embrace her, love her
for unless i really know her
she will constantly be there ready to trip me up
make me small and limit my possibilities

I need to clean myself of the sin of
Adam who thought he was not good enough
to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge

I need to heal my self
from the pain of separation Kayn felt
from his brother as he compared
came up less and then destroyed a part of himself

I do not want the pain of your envy
to constrict my heart
to keep me from seeing the beauty
of the One who held me before i was born
who loved me before she knew me
whose heart was broken by the one
she trusted to care for her and all she loved.

Dear Sarah, what was it like to compete
with your sister-friend Hagar for God's gift to each of you?
What happened and has never been mended?
Was it the man who divided you because
he did not know how to love each for your unique gifts?

Or was this God's plan all along - we were
never to do it right - only learn from
life and missed opportunities.

Blessings of the Vav: we are all One, connected to the each other, impacting, responding, blessing, intruding.

Taking the Crap off the Soul

2010-03-14T11:40:00.005-04:00

Blessing of Being Awake: So for two days I have been crying and wiping my nose! I am not crying all the time and yet when i do start to cry it is deep and long, and I am coughing-up whatever i have been holding in! It must be purging time! Spring is here and love is around the corner.

Spiritual Challenge: I am walking in the confluence of two streams; the deep dark night of the soul and in the eternal light of a pure soul. I know that what I am experiencing, major unloveable-ness, relates to the grief around my mother's death and her unworthiness I am trying to peal off. It is not the whole truth so i am not giving in to self doubt, just watching. I must admit i am also trying to figure out how to get through this.

Spiritual Practice: This is the moment i have been practicing for. I will call friends to cry with, just for them to listen. I will sit outside and get some sun. I will take a bath and soak in the water. I will only care for me as there is no energy for anyone else right now. I will love me as I make my way through the darkness that covers parts of the soul and i will breath deeply and hold on, the roller coaster has just hit the top of the hill and I will be coming off my seat as i hold on for dear life! And I will hold on.

Blessings of the Vav is that this too will pass, i am making a friend of time and there is a deep learning here and there is a hope that maybe I can speak from an authentic place to help someone else through their dark, dank and narrow place. And all of this is love!

Endless Exciting Dreams

2010-03-14T11:29:00.003-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: In Greensboro a few weeks ago I went with Gay to a wonderful art show called Embodying. Yes!, I said to myself as I walked around the art space, and was inspired by the amazing creative and daring artists! I began thinking about my unfinished projects at home and how to pull them together. I going to introduce the quilted circumcised heart with the paper mache' bust! I felt the excitement of new beginnings and thought 'Art, that is my new love!!'

Last week on the cruise, Geri needed some health support and i offered to do some energy work and also to use some new healing cream on her sore places. As I rubbed the cream into her skin, she commented on how good it felt and asked if I was trained as a message therapist. 'No', I smiled and said shyly, that I had gotten that commen before.' I love choosing the people I touch for healing and thought, maybe this is where i need to put my energy!' I could study and be a good massage therapist.

Before i went on the cruise i facilitated the coaching skills group and I got high on the collaboration with the men i worked with. It was fun and I came home thinking i need and want to do more more of this!! And i began thinking of who i could expand my practice and do good int he world.

Spiritual Challenge: When I first came out i bought a t-shirt that said , 'So many women…So little time.' I was just beginning to imagine what i would 'do' with all these women and I certainly appreciated the idea!!

Now I am feeling 'So many loves….So little time.' And I want to go deep with the time I have left on this earth. I want to be good at one thing and be noted for it and i want it to be something that gives pleasure and energy to people as it heals them and I.

I have so much to learn to be able to do that. What shall that be? I ask myself 'what am I playing with already that needs to be opened further, like the vagina upon giving birth. What am i about to drop from my womb? Who will i be, where will i live, who will be my lover or friend? So many unanswered questions, so much to learn. How do I discipline the mind?

Spiritual Practice: So today the question arises, tomorrow another piece of the puzzle will arrive and for today all i have to do is be in receiving mode! So I am noticing my heart open and tears falling, emotions high. And to notice without judging myself and just expanding into the love that is already there holding me.

Blessings of the Vav: whether hidden or revealed the Vav sparks an unending-ness to life and pushes the game of wonder from the back burner to the front!! It is boiling and i cannot not help but to notice it!

And G!D was in this Place and I i Did Not Know

2010-03-12T06:51:00.003-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: as we relaxed under the Mexican sun, Alexis spoke her wisdom into the group, 'women are naturally competitive' and everyone agreed and I had to catch my breath. I had never thought of us in that way. I know my aunts are competitive with each other, my mother was competitive with me and my daughters are competitive with me. Yet, I had never thought of it as a characteristic of all women. I spent several days musing on her words becoming lighter, no longer weighted by 'just me' syndrome and more enlightened with each breath.

Spiritual Challenge: Feelings of competition and envy are why i asked Phyllis if we could adopt each other. I wanted to do something with these feelings that were interrupting my end of our friendship. I love Phyllis, like I love my daughters, i love my Mother and I know the many times i sensed its presence and steered around it, never exposing her, always aiding this turret, letting the walls remain between our hearts. I remember in my writings on Sarah for my ordination expressing in a poem the toxicity of competition with a deep need to get to know her deeply, every crevice so that there would be little unknown rocks hidden that could keep our hearts apart. Now having a perspective that these feelings were female-relational linked and not just mine was so freeing. I felt as if someone had had just cleansed an opaque windshield that had prevented me from seeing the whole picture and in this moment my soul felt cleansed from the toxic energy that keeps me in judging mind and separated from my sisters everywhere!!! I felt as if i had found the holy grail for which I did not know i had been searching! And i thought how can i hold onto this truth and not let it slip through the cracks of life. Drink for it!

Spiritual Practice: Laugh, what else can i do but laugh at my-our competitive spirit and then laugh some more no longer constricted from seeing my own beauty by these feelings. And then remember the wisdom of; 'do not covet' and 'be the best you that you can be' and 'your success is your deepest fear' and it is all about 'personal best' and consider 'power with' not over or under as Starhawk teaches. To live 'together anything is possible!'

Blessings of the Vav: In Hebrew Wisdom we are told we carry two notes, one in each pocket. One note says 'I am just dust' and the other 'the world was created for me'. This interpretation of humility, 'knowing your place and taking your space' is untying me from past thinking and behavior. No longer strangulated, i am empowered with this information that can only save my life and perhaps that of others. And I am so glad i was listening as my new sister-friend spoke truth into the wind and i heard and wove her wisdom into my being. May I continue to live the truth that the Divine lives within everyone and I can learn from everyone including me. I am a Vav-nik, standing tall in my uniqueness and hooked to every other Vav-nik healing our world!

Being Distracted

2010-03-11T09:12:00.003-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: "So you lost both your parents in the last 2 years …that is a lot, especially for an only child," a new acquaintance said in response to telling her how I ended up in Florida. I was so pleased that my sunglasses blocked her from seeing the welling up in my eyes as my throat tightened and I did not speak as we turned to focus our attention on getting organized for the kayak expedition.

Spiritual Challenge: My neck is tight, my shoulders have rocks in them and I miss my mother. And i get a massage for the shoulder pain and what do i do with these feelings? And I wonder about how I can remember the gift she gave me of unconditional love and let that soothe the ache in my heart that arise spontaneously.

Spiritual Practice: Taking time to be gracious with myself by mourning and grieving for this primary relationship. So I have committed and set an intention to creating an art piece in her memory. She would love that a lot since she too was an artist.

Blessings of the Vav: Being able to hold the pain of loss and the joy of our relationship as all is truth, the whole story. So in her memorial i will show pictures of both cemeteries, not well cared for and the joy of being alive! The Kaddish as a work of art in awe of the awesomeness of life given.

Going Deeper With the Words

2010-03-10T11:10:00.006-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: He looked about my age and came with his wife to my meditation class. From his speech pattern I assumed that he was either a Sabra, native born Israeli, or had learned Hebrew at a very young age. His tender heart asked me a question: would you mind answering a question and you do not need to answer if you do not want.' I knew that I would tell him anything he wanted to know.

What do you mean 'meditation saved my life?' he said with a curious, sad tone? As I started to talk I felt awkward as if I was walking into the unknown. My thoughts rambled; one time i knew the answer to that question, What does it mean? What am I willing to share? How vulnerable am i willing to be? Who am I talking with that would understand what i experienced that is so hard to put into words.'

Then, I remembered those ten days in Thailand that brought a peace within me that i had wanted and yet did not know nor how to access. Rosemary and Steven at Wat Koh Tam had created an emotionally safe environment for me to learn what they taught of Buddhism, a process of thinking that I would utilize for my whole journey around the world and it would bring me to moments where my heart was softening and that fired the embers of choosing life and wanting more.

Spiritual Challenge: And then I casually said to him 'I am still alive and I am here telling you my experience.' He smiled as we looked at each other. I then spoke these words, 'I am learning to love me so I can love the stranger within and without.' And he smiled again and spoke the Hebrew text, and you shall love the stranger as yourself. We smiled and let the others in the class know this teaching of Hebrew Wisdom. I thought truth comes when the right questions are asked.

Spiritual Practice: To breathe deeply and go within, remembering the Divine dwells there, in my body, with me and never leaves. I am never alone. Healing is placing myself back into my loving heart. That is how I save my life, breath by breath, moment by moment.

Blessings of the Vav: When I stand with the intention of authenticity and with the thought that nothing can stop or kill me except myself, then i am able to link with another who is in that same place. I am making a step toward mending the world.

Choices

2010-03-09T10:33:00.004-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: When I got up to relieve myself early this morning I thought it would be easy for me to go back to sleep. We had gone to bed late after a full first day of new experiences, meeting people, dancing and exploring of the ship where we would spend the next five days. Yet the rolling of the ship and the vibration of the motor left me restless and awake. I kept moving from side to side trying to find the perfect placement of my body that would invite back the deep sleep and great dreams i had just been embroiled in. I was angry at the boat, our room and the designers of this ship that kept me awake.

Spiritual Challenge: It is easy for me to respond to the angst of the mind by joining with it and making up all kind of stories. "Yeh, you're right, we were done wrong, I will never get used to this movement, i will stay awake forever" were some of my more dramatic thoughts. I took a deep breathe, listening to the voices and thought I am not going to play this time! I started breathing deeply and was aware that in my angry place i was tight. I was holding the tension i had just had a massage to relieve. I laughed, silently, not to awaken my sister, and then began to notice that as i breathed i became more relaxed and instead of being a board torn by tempestuous seas, i was rolling and following the rhythm of the boat's movement.

Spiritual Practice: To remember that I am Shalem - whole and a symphony of separate parts - one very busy mind, one wise body and one very alive spirit living together with the Indwelling Presence. And we all must learn to live with each other. We are in relationship with each other and in any relationship there are moments when tension is high and flow is limited. Yet, this is also a moment of potential freedom of working together for the greater good, to be at our highest good. Each moment can be an inspiration.

Blessings of the Vav: In every moment there is a possibility to move beyond the habits rather than remain in my old comfortable rut. In each moment I can call on the Vav, the emotional connector, to help me find what comes after I say 'and' and to go deeper with knowing what my unique soul can be.

I Am Smart Just By Asking the Questions

2010-03-08T11:40:00.002-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Where did they go, my sister asked, after the camps were liberated? It was early this morning when the man brought the coffee and tea. I had not wanted to get up and and there I sat wrapped in the terry robe, sipping my hot water and eating freshly cut fruit, talking about deep questions.

When ML decided that she was not going to be a living-walking-on-this-earth-being she reactivated in me many emotions and thoughts related to life and death and the choices we make.

When my mother decided to walk across the eight lane boulevard not at the crosswalk and met a car, she changed how i looked at her life and a paradigm shift began to happen within me.

Spiritual Challenge: I want to stay awake to living on the edge of not knowing. I want to stay fascinated about how opening a door, walking around a corner, crossing a threshold, having a thought change ones perspective and behavior. And how can I keep the door open to possibilities and continue asking the questions and not just accepting what is and moving on. My sister is a good role model for asking the questions.

Spiritual Practice: What does one do early in the morning with these deep thoughts that stir the soul and mind with wonder. Keep asking them and not needing to find the answers.

Blessings of the Vav: Asking the questions is important, knowing the answers is not. Vav allows me to ask without knowing the answers so i can stay curious in this abyss of life. And……………...

The Meeting of Peace and Reconciliation

2010-02-23T07:38:00.007-05:00

The mourning heart receiving; grief drawing # 3"

On 9th of Adar, about three months after 'the accident' that took the life of my mother of blessed memory's life, I met in the lawyer's office with the woman who had driven the car that hit my mother.

I did not think of this meeting as an act of forgiveness, as it is not my place to forgive. That is between her and her G!D. However, my intention was to offer her information about my family and how we are coping and to tell her our perspective on what happened and let her make the decision about her own suffering.

This was a meeting whose general intention was for peace...of mind and heart, and reconciliation with our hearts that might be wandering, alone, distraught, feeling abandoned and bad as why else would such a horrific thing happen to one if you did not deserve it and was being punished.

My daughters and I had wanted this meeting, after all the legal decisions were finalized. We had heard through the lawyers that she was distraught and all of us wanted her to know us. We viewed what had happened as accident and we were grieving deeply for the death and our loss of my Mother and their Nana.

The meeting went well, as there was transformation. Buber might interpret as it went from an I-it relationship to an I-thou relationship; from 'the woman who drove the car' to B, mother, devout and pious, wife of a church elder, Registered Nurse, recent emigrant, tender heart.

It was awkward at first, no matter how much my training I have, the crossing of the threshold into the unknown is often slow and cautious. I said my usual prayer 'Mah Yakar Hasedecha, How Precious is Your Loving-kindness' to assure myself that I was not alone. I wanted conscious recognition that I wanted and needed Divine Presence, i could not and did not want to do this alone.

We talked for about 35 minutes and went from knots to flowing strings, from politeness to authentic warmth. And toward the end of our time I held her hands and sang to her my rendition of Leonard Cohen's Halleluyah that had been ringing in my ears.

'We will do and we will understand' the Hebrews say to Moshe. Sometimes you have to do something even though you do not know why and have no agenda or imagined outcome. That is how I felt about this meeting. And now that it is over, I am pleased with my trust in my sense of rightness and courage to follow through. I was very brave to meet with the woman who drove the car that hit my mother that caused her ultimate death. My bravery led me to know me in a deep way. I had circumcised my heart in public and my hope is the world is a better place because of these moments in time.

When i came home, I dressed in warm and comfy clothes and drank hot tea and sat on the floor reading over the condolence cards that were sent to my family. I wanted to be close to the people who knew my mother and I cried deeply and spoke to my mother's Spirit that I was sure was comforting me.

Blessings of the Vav: I could not have done this is i had held to a right-wrong, good-bad, way of thinking. I would still be in a vicious cycle of not knowing and connected to someone i would never know. Only with the teaching of the Vav and trust that not knowing is an OK place to be and with the support of my daughters proving that this only child is never physically alone and knowing that my Mother, of blessed memory, is always with me cheering me on in her silent unique way could i have known a blessing today. I am sure that being a Vav-nik- allows this heart to know love. Maybe this hope i hold onto with such tenacity is not unfounded.

Afflicting the Comfortable

2010-01-25T10:57:00.006-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I laugh with myself
as I think 'i am a sign watcher', like the main character in The Alchemist. When I hear a phrase more than once in different contexts or I see a pattern of information coming my way i think 'oh, i need to pay attention, this is for me.'

Since my mother died and my daughters and i emptied her home i have taken on the task of simplifying my life and my home. I have been digging through the boxes hidden in the back of the closet, reviewing my life through the things I have held onto and now I no longer think i need as a reminder of an amazing life. When I came across my ordination certificate, I stopped and read it. The wording is clear and powerful and reminds me of my charge. And 'comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable' had been sitting quietly in my mind.

And then, yesterday when I was listening to Jay Michaelson speak on spirituality I heard him say the same phrase. For me these twice repeated phrases were in alignment with my visceral awareness and the connected thoughts that say, ' it is time to go deeper and push the edges of your comfort zone.' Naturally as I put this all together I want to know what it means and where wi am to practice this afflicting. I want to imagine what I cannot imagine so that I can be the captain of my ship and director of my home movie. And, deep breath, I have no idea what this afflicting will look like or where it will happen.

Spiritual Challenges: Last week's Torah portion involves the continuing saga of the dueling dialogue between Pharaoh and his hardened heart and Moshe and his un-cirmcumcised lips. At one point Pharaoh said 'go, but only take certain people.' Moshe counters with, 'no, as i will not know how i am to serve G!D until i get there'. This phrase has been so helpful to me. It helps me notice when the mind is plotting away and to stop planning and practicing before it is my turn to speak. It reminds me to listen and sp in the moment. And when I remember that I truly know nothing, i know this is a moment to support my desire to strengthen the mind to stay Here. I do not need to plan for the future that I think i can not only predict but also plan for. As Here is the only place I have any control over. My mother's tragic death and her nearing 92nd birthday are vivid reminders of that truth.

Spiritual Practice: So again I am sitting with the Kavannah, the deep intention of my heart, to learn and then practice how to afflict the comfortable; to go deeper and to not let being politically correct keep me from deeper conversations and to be transparent and to be honest. To help me have what i want, an open heart that includes me. I only have to love me as if i were my own lover, i do not have to take care of people who can take care of themselves.
Blessings of the Vav: I can continue to open my heart to include me, to notice the fear and work with it, not run from it and to notice that under the fear is a tender heart that only wants connection to herself, to others and her Divine nature.

And Eventually You Become The Matriarch

2010-01-14T14:31:00.007-05:00

Photo caption: three cousins, Richie, Vivie, Jerry; 1948, at Lewis Lake, Winthrop, MA
Blessings of Being Awake: On November 11, 2009, at about 6:15 in the evening, I became the head of my family, consisting presently of two daughters, their husbands and four grandchildren. This was not my decision, like becoming a parent or taking on couple responsibilities when I got married. On the day my mother quite unexpectedly died, I became an orphan, there is no one beside me or behind me to be the final decision, the holder together. I am it! And I am not even sure what 'it' is although I may have seen it from a distance. I was not prepared for this new role even though I did on one occasion try to imagine what it would be like when it did happen. I could not!
Spiritual Challenge: I feel like I am out in space without my space suit, untethered looking down on earth and hoping it stays very far away! Am I ready for this role and how it is different than before, as single mom without a partner. How will my relationship with my family change or will it? I wonder how the Godfather felt when it was his turn to take over. I am excited about wearing the purple robes of royalty. And I have lots of questions. One thing I will remember is to stay in touch, keep them up with my plans and learn a lot! That is my challenge as a fiercely independent, hippie, only child, woman of the world.
Spiritual Practice: When my Mom was alive she covered for me. I could travel, miss calls, never get to calls and without knowing she filled in. She had a relationship with my daughters i will never have, as each couple has its own energy. Moses is quoted as responding to Pharaoh when he said 'go and leave the women' , 'no, 'we must all go together, as we will not know how to serve G!D until we get there. ' So why worry about the future, Phyllis reminded me today, what Meher Baba taught, don't worry, be happy. May be that is what this Matriarch will do, since I am sure this death that laid this role in my hands was not my idea and was in the plans and I am ready to take it on!
Blessings of Agudat HaVav: blessings of being a member of the Society of the Vav, vav-nik. At the top of most columns in the Torah there is a vav at the beginning of the word. The sages tell us that this means the story is on going, we only stop to take a breath before we go on. So for a while, as I move through the grief, I will remember to breathe, as I cross this threshold and enter my new role. I am sure that my ancestors, the Evrites, the boundary crossers, knew how to stop and breathe and remember to be grateful that they were never alone. And I am royally receiving the energy of my ancestors in my new role.

If Doing is Being, What is Receiving?

2010-01-11T10:47:00.006-05:00

Picture title: How long does it take to see that the bush that is burning is not being consumed?
Blessings of Being Awake: Ana's call this morning reminded me again that I needed to just be receiving and healing. Her words sound true and echo the same words a friend gave me last week, you only have to receive. At that point I drew my third drawing expressing my grief; a picture of a huge heart filled with grey color and little red hearts floating in and out and around her and some even touched her edges. As I drew the hearts that touched my heart, I viscerally felt the tenderness and soothing nature and I wanted more. Yet, I am not practiced and I am awkward. at ministering to only me.
Spiritual Challenge: I want to move on and I feel stuck in this bedlam space and I need to stay here and learn how to care for me, the one who has set an intention of creating more art space and less intellectual space. I need to listen to my heart and words of intention and to walk with the great fear into supporting me in my dreams previously set aside for the universal fears of success.
Spiritual Practice: Today Roberta and I will just clean up my office so I can walk around the past and potential creativity that now looks like boxes and books. I will say good-bye to all that I have held onto that made me feel safe, protected and gave me an identity. Oy Vay!!!
Blessings of Being a proud member of The Society of the Vav: To walk the talk of being a Vav I need to stand tall, open hearted, strong back, being all of who I am am and in the present moment be inspired to follow my heart that can only be heard in the stillness of silence, as Ezekiel reminds me.

The Competing Committment

2010-01-02T10:53:00.008-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Yesterday, Cousin Arnie called to wish me a Happy New Year and to get caught up on each others' lives and our family's history. We were talking about our personal challenges this year and how even when we want change, we often run into distractions that take us off our path. Since we are both in the the business of making the world a better place I mentioned a favorite leadership development book, How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work by Kegan and Lahey. The authors call the underlying cause of the distraction 'a competing commitment.' Working with this concept pushes me beyond my comfort zone to uproot whatever is holding me in place and does not allow me to flow with the the river.
At this time of year the secular calendar offers me an opportunity to pause and gain perspective on where I am and where I might have been distracted. So this Shabbat morning as I read in Torah Queeries the Drash for Vayechi-and he lived-this week's Torah portion about Joseph the outsider by Rabbi Jill Hammer, I was reminded of a conversation I had several days ago at our monthly lesbian pot luck. We were talking about the latest movies and someone said is George Clooney gay? I said I did not know. I then asked what is so toxic about being called lesbian or gay? There was a pause in the conversation and someone said I think Oprah is lesbian and will come out after she retires. We all laughed and I said what if being gay or lesbian is held in a place of honor or was just another adjective that defined one? Eva responded the world would be entirely different. I knew then what I wanted for myself more than any other gift for 2010.
Spiritual Challenge: I am committed to being politically correct as it fits with a core belief of mine, that of being kind. And often being careful with my language can keep me from the opportunity for deeper conversations both with myself and others. In The Faith Club the reason the authors' relationships grew in length and depth was because the women confronting each other on traditional beliefs that had not been explored outside these conversations. So for 2010 I challenge my need for connection with me and others with these questions:
Can I be both kind and truthful while being open to others who confront me on my behavior? Can I speak my truth as I did this morning with my daughter Ilana and deepen our conversation and my connections both with myself and her? Am I willing to share all of myself with others with pride and nonchalance or even terror? Am I willing to do what the male lead in Avatar did, risk death to meet my partner and bond with another to be able to fly together, blending energies and being the self of the moment? And to risk everything to save a life, my life?
Spiritual Practice: Through my meditation practice and mindfulness living I am committed to uproot and explore the competing commitment of my intertwining of sex and emotional safety. To hold the image of Etta Grace freely dancing in the water and she is me smiling and laughing and being in joy with all of me, so stunning in all my true colors everywhere!
Blessings of the Vav: In the mystical tradition of Hebrew Wisdom, the Vav resides in the body and holds the energy of emotional connection. I am feeling the erotic nature of this energy and revel in the aliveness. I am aroused and smiling with innocence and delight of the possibilities this holds for me.

Whose Got Your Back?

2009-12-26T07:17:00.008-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: It was Monday morning in the limo on the way to the airport, a few blocks from the hotel where my daughter and her family had stayed while we were in Boston to bury my mother's remains, when Andrea said with much frustration, 'Oh, I forgot to check-out.' I could feel my anger arise and then before i could think my mouth opened and a torrent of words burst out to not just my daughter but to Urbie, Ashby and Drew. I could not hold my composure and intention of love and kindness any longer. The pain of my mothers death and that i was now the big cheese overwhelmed me and i wanted to know who was there for Andrea, for me, for us!!
Spiritual Challenge: It had been a long month filled with mourning, working, making plans, traveling, visiting and honoring of my mother's wishes and now we were going home to the real world where my mother's physical presence no longer existed. And I wanted to know whose got my back? Whose house will I drive by to see if she is OK, who will ask me to go out to lunch with her, to give me directions, to attend a function, to ask if i need bananas or fruit or bread or any kind of food when i arrived home from traveling or flowers for the Shabbat table or even to be a pain-in-the-neck. And I had not voiced much of these feelings for I could not admit the fear of the unknown that lay within me. I was in a do-er mode, i had a list of things to do, to complete the mission. I had forgotten how important my Mother's presence was to me and I had no idea how much i was going to miss her presence and her place in my life. I would have lots of time to begin to see where I placed in her life.
Spiritual Practice: I have had the honor of working with several male clients who are African American and who have voiced their distrust of others in the work place and how they have to have their own back. One of these clients also talked of his God, that 'He's got my back'. I like when clients share their faith with me for it reminds me of what i already know; the Unknowable, Breath of All Life does remain an integral element to all of life including mine. I laugh out loud when I remember the story a teacher-sage tells of the agnostic who in the passion of love making, screams 'oh, my god!' I, too, must allow myself to move in and out of my doubt when feeling alone. And I must rememeber that Divine Nature is within each of us, so we all have each other's back strengthened by what I call G!D.
Blessings of the Vav: As Sonny and Cher sang, 'and the beat goes on and on and on'. As long as i will breathe there will be another AND moment in which to; smile, apologize, laugh, cry, celebrate AND the heart keeps beating on and on and on. And as we are reminded as we read the Torah where most columns begin with a Vav, the stories are all interconnected to each other affecting each other, transforming them as perspectives change with new information and we are never the same after that. Halleluyah!!

We Are Never Alone in Seeking Balance

2009-12-26T06:36:00.003-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake:It was the third day of the silent retreat when i noticed a dull acheing in the center of my back. My first thought was 'what made this happen?' and then the solution 'maybe i was sitting wrong'. Then as the mind wandered i remembered that it was a week and 13 hours since my mother was killed by the impact of the car and maybe i was feeling the heart's pain. I reached for the small pillow i had brought from home and placed it right where the pain was centered and leaned into the back of the chair and with my next breath noticed the tears coming down my cheek. I opened my chest, my heart wide and rested in that moment.
Spiritual Challenge: Before I had left for the retreat Miryam had reminded me that I was in mourning. It was such a gift of a few words that gave me an anchored vessel to place all my feeling and thoughts within. These words were my connection to another reality as a floated in the dream of my life.
Spiritual Practice: Tender, tender, tenderness is my deepest desire for a default when life gets so narrow there is not much room to breathe deeply. This space i offered myself of a week of silence was such a gift. One my mother had supported me in when about a month before her death we were talking about what to do for Thanksgiving and when i told her about the retreat she had said 'Go, I have lived my life, you live yours'. So i must learn to listen deeply to my heart and those who love me and never give up for in the next moment holds all possibilities.
Blessings of the Vav: I am a member of the virtual community of Agudat HaVav, the Society of the Vav. I am never alone; i am Divinely connected to every place, person, animal and thing. As I was reminded when i saw Avatar this week; She does not take sides - Her deepest desire is for balance in the world. There will always be a moment, a word, a smile an animal showing up to pull me back into balance whenever I go off kilter, for She is within me, my seeker of inner balance.

Movies as an Antidote to Change

2009-12-25T07:46:00.006-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake:I know this place i am in as i have been here before. Life gets full of people and things and then, wham!!! there is nothing that will distract me from the feelings that arise. I am left to face the emotions i do not want.
Spiritual Challenge: To suck it up, let it out, be curious and notice where i am without judging (usually impossible) and breathe, to avoid falling into despair and hopelessness. To think about how I can cope in this moment and as a last possible solution to share my state with someone. To cry.
Spiritual Practice: No matter how alone i feel or how much i doubt everything in this moment, these are just thoughts. And the truth is that i also love me and i am good.
SO! I made a list of seven movies i wanted to see and i have now seen five and today i will see two more. Yea for Christmas releases!!
Blessings of the Vav: we are funny people, a community of like others; everyone goes through these feelings, adores being distracted from pain and wants to give up. That is why we are taught by the sages that I do not have to complete the work and am i not at liberty to stop living the dream i am in Pirke Avot 2:2

Early Morning Musings

2009-10-22T05:49:00.003-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Yesterday via a webinar I listened to Ira Chaleff talk about hierarchical relationships from a follower's perspective. I felt a kinship to the man and wrote to him that he was a Vav-nik. This morning I received a a note back telling me the origins of his thinking was the Holocaust. I began to think I know in real time where my fascination with the Vav happened and yet I was not aware of a core value of mine that fed the real time awakening. I am aware this morning that since I live in fear of disconnection and that my heart's default is 'close' and a familiar feeling that arises frequently is loneliness, that living a Vav-nik life is opposition to these old experiences.
Spiritual Challenge:In studying Musar with my Va'ad group we were talking about what does spiritual mean to each of us. Part of my definition is that I live as if I am in connection, in relationship with every person, place or thing. I want a simple life and yet simple is not easy. Staying in integrity with my values demands i stay awake. And the other morning as i walked with my friends, I was bored with their conversation and left them in my mind and left the world and the next thing I knew I was down on the ground, bruised and glasses bent.
Spiritual Practice: How can I stay awake and put myself at the top of the list as I support in MULKA? I do not have a clue! I can only keep noticing my life with humor an gratitude and keep being open to learning that comes in the most surprising places.
Blessings of the vav: Yes, she is a blessing!

The Gerund

2009-10-18T08:33:00.004-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Here in South Florida we have been waiting for the weather where we can open our windows. And it is here, at least for now. Winter has come and I am happy to shut off the air conditioner. I can feel the cool breeze flow through my condo, front to back bringing in fresh air and I take a deep breath knowing change is happening.
Spiritual Challenge: To remember whether I see change or not there is always something brewing underneath the surface and my impatience or hopelessness is not going to make it happen any quicker. The Buddhist teaching on impermanence and non-attachment or Hebrew Wisdom honoring of t'shuvah, the right of return to the true nature' or as I learned in Thoughts Without Thinker, the use of 'ing' on the end of words is a reminder that everything is a work in progress, including me. Change, change, change, I can hear the Mamas and Papas singing the song based on ancient writings. Everything is about change.
Spiritual Practice: When I feel tension related to change in my body, i will remember that breathing deeply is bringing the Life Force deeply into my hips and groin releasing the fear that gets stuck in my throat. Hope is restored; courage and past experiences are reinforcing my forward motion and a smile opens my lips relaxing my facial muscles.
Blessings of being a Vav-nik: Being able to sing full hearted 'row, row, row the boat gently down the stream, merrily , merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

LOL

2009-10-18T07:58:00.004-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I heard myself laughing with a burst of energy I smile now in remembering the moment. Miryam and I had been talking about our meditation experiences and the thought crossed my mind 'i can be the rabbi and practice Buddhist teachings' and still be a good enuff Jew. I felt like I had been released from the straight jacket i was trying to fit into. 'Either or', i could hear the mind saying, 'you cannot have both!' Is that really true?, I quickly responded. I am a Vav-nik and i can have both and i can live 'the and life' that i am trying to promote in the world. I am blending Hebrew Wisdom and Buddhist practice in my life, why hide behind a facade of untruth.
Spiritual Challenge: I have to laugh at myself as I know 'we teach what we need to learn' and being a Vav-nik is more than passing out cards; it is actually doing the work, living the values I deem mine. Being alone, quiet, introspective is essential to my mental health and creativity. And in striving to remain in the world and honor the other part of me I also need conversations where we share ideas, thoughts held close to the heart, rarely verbalized. I need to get out of my head the words that when spoken take on a different tension and begin to have an energy and beauty that completes me.
Spiritual Practice: To remember the laughter so freely emoted and how wonderful it felt. To continue to believe in miracles and like Sarah, I too can bring forth a child a 99, i can bring together opposing forces and find a renewed path for myself.
Blessings of the Vav: it is never over until the fat lady sings. I am not sure what that means and i do know I can continue to learn, expose myself to new experiences and collaborations and not lose me, just most humbly deepen my relationship with the Mystery of Life.

Surprises That Nurture the Soul

2009-09-22T04:53:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I laugh as i type the words 'being awake' thinking that it is way too early to be sitting at my computer. And what brought me out of my bed as I was watching my chest rise and fall trying to get back to sleep, was the thought that Robbie had found me through this blog. And each time that thought crossed the mind I felt an emotion that filled my chest and bubbled over as the joy of connection, of loose threads being gathered into the fabric of my life, creating a foreground to my life's tapestry. I am thinking that I am a part of a whole that is my life. The emotion rises again, the tears fall and I am happy through and through.
Spiritual Challenges: Thirteen years ago I said 'yes' to the voice that told me I was going for a trip around the world. This summer I have had experiences, like Robbie, where those connections came back to life and I am now feeling that the dream is real. You see, I took this trip, I wrote about it, I made connections that drifted away and when I came back to NC, I went back to my life as I had known it. And I drifted from home to home, not sure where I wanted to live and added to my academic credentials and below the surface of life the Mystery was working. I love surprises like these. I feel like I have been found, validated and my challenge is to stay here, be nurtured and just enjoy! I am a part of a life, my life.
Spirirtual Practice: One foot in front of the other I walk though my life, a walking meditation, of paying attention to the gifts wrapped in various packages, and of letting things go and choosing non-violence, of remembering to focus on the core of life-LOVE, of listening to my teachers who come in all sizes and shapes and of continually seeking the Divine in myself as well as others. And most of all believing in me and my dreams for they are good, they are very good.
Blessings of the Vav: who knew my fascination with the Hebrew letters and language and taking myself seriously would lead to this blog. Devorah said that if I became a rabbi, and i was strongly resisting that call, I would also become a healer. I believe her now, as my heart's wounds are mending and its capacity is expanding. Who knew? She knew!

Lamed Vavniks

2009-09-20T05:34:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: A few weeks ago when I was doing some training in India I gave away my Vav-nik cards. In wanting them to understand where the card fits into a larger frame of being leaders, I told this story.
At any one time, in Hebrew Wisdom tradition, there are thirty-six righteous people walking the earth. The term Lamed Vav-nik comes from the number that each Hebrew letter represents. Lamed is 30 and Vav is six, thus 36 or Lamed Vav-nik. These righteous people have a soul whose primary mission is to do the mending of the tears in the fabric of the universe, to heal the separation we experience that does not exist in reality. In my first hearing of a Lamed Vav-nik he was a tailor who appears to be sewing fabric, yet is going deeper to the soul of the person's clothes he was repairing.
As our India host Anupam heard the story, he smiled and after I had finished said to me that he liked how I had explained about the righteous people. I was aware that in that moment I had reached across cultures and found common ground.
Spiritual Challenges: When I first heard Dovid Zeller, may his memory continue to be a blessing, tell the story of the man who met a Lamed Vavnik I loved the story and wanted to learn it so I could retell it. In fact each time now when I tell the whole story I can feel my throat getting tight and my heart filling up with emotions I cannot describe. Telling the story to Jewish people is easy, they either know the language or want to know more about their faith. And I wanted to make the story universal and so I began collage-ing in my mind my various Avatar-Lamed Vav-nik experiences.

Of course there has always been Jesus, yet growing up I had always thought of him more as a threat to my being, as many Christians that I encountered wanted me to 'find Jesus and be saved.' As nice Jewish girl this frightened me as I was not grounded as I am in now in my personal relationship with my G!D and my tradition. Despite these fears, in my first trip to India when I was at the Seik Gobin Sadan Ashram outside of Delhi, I had a conversation with the statue of Jesus early one morning where he called me "sister' and I called him 'brother.' He was helping me get clear on my mission to Israel and meeting the Arab people I needed to build bridges of understanding with. Then in Pondecherry I met the energy of The Mother, the spiritual partner of Sri Aurobindo. Her energy kept me at the Ashram until after her birthday where I hear thou you walk through the Valley of the shadow of death I will be with you. In South Carolina I enjoy the energy of the Meher Baba and his ideas of don't worry be happy and in New Delhi I met and can still fill the hug of Ama, the hugging guru. Thirteen years ago I traveled to Pondecherry to experience the energy of what Andrew Harvey described in his meeting with Mother Meera and then last year met her in person in Raleigh, NC during a darshan. And then there was my dream where I left my friends and went into the mountains led by an energy that I knew was Shekhinah. And then I lived the dream and felt Her Presence and found a peace I rarely experience as I walked the trail into the mountains in Colorado in real time.
I am challenged to confront my mind that likes to separate these people from the rest and not see the gifts of the others I encounter. Who knows who the Lamed Vav-nik really is? Believing that everyone is the Messiah and has the energy to heal their wounds and others is my challenge especially when I need to include me.
Spiritual Practice: The story of the rabbi who tells the abbott that 'one of you is the Messiah.' At the end of telling this story, I again choke up and the emotion rises. Noticing these as teaching moments when the heart opens to truth is a reminder that I am at the right place and the right time and I am at one with the universe.
The Blessings of the Vav is when I include me with others. There is really no need to judge or separate me out as truth is that we each are unique and we each are connected and living the paradox of this reality. This is my practice as I heal my wounds and pray for the rippling affects of the tidal wave of loving kindness washes over me. And I can breath deeply knowing i have again said 'YES and' to life.

Entering the Promise Land

2009-09-18T13:01:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: When I looked at the date on the last blog entry I could not believe it was so far away. Where have I been? Well, I have been to Prague to visit Phyllis for a week, to Boston for Joni and Stefan's wedding, to Greensboro to work and to India for two weeks of a glorious return and leadership training work. So there must be so much to write about.
Spiritual Challenge: so where do I begin? From here and looking back I must say it has been an amazing spiritual journey. In fact from India I signed an e-mail 'the spiritual pilgrim.' I am waking up to say to myself, right place, right time! When are you going to get it that is all you have to do is show up! You are the vessel, you are the wisdom, you are TZiPi, authentic, kind, brilliant, focused, humbly human!
Spiritual Practice: noticing the doubt that sneaks in and then hold onto that intention of a circumcised heart, keep the neck loose as i did when i first arrived in India. It was so simple like I had been doing it all my life moving my head from right to left! And the song that comes from my heart is the refrain 'Love is all you need, love is all you need, love is all you need!'
So as 5769 ends and 5770 begins at sundown tonight I make a promise to myself to stand erect, chest open, shoulders back, bracing against my erect strong back as I move forward into the promised land, into the abundance waiting for me and anyone else who takes the same risks. It is there and I am going after it and i can feel the joy, taste the deliciousness of the fruit and feel the welcome of all those who meet me. I am home and in joy!!!
Blessings of the vav: and there is always one more thing and it does not have to be doom, it can be joy so why not prophize from hope, connection, love and truely live that truth.

The Weekly New and Good

2009-07-25T17:51:00.006-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Today I brought my 14 year old grandson Drew back to his mom after a fun, athletic, funny, exploring and bonding week. When I arrived back home the place felt empty and I experienced a feeling of loneliness . And as I was sliding down into the loneliness feeling the phone rang. TZiporah was calling for our weekly 'Shabbat new and good conversation'. We had promised each other to meet every Shabbat and share our good stuff that had happenned that week. She started off by telling me she was not feeling well and of a few disappointments. I listened and then said "what good happenned?" And as she spoke her voice changed and she began to sound energized and remembered lots of good stuff including a new client! Then it was my turn and she began with a questions, "Did you draw the picture of you with the magic wand?" Wam! She got me by reminding me of where I had left off before Drew came. I gotten so caught up in my grandmoher host role I had forgot the other parts of me!
Spiritual Challenge: In busy times it is so easy to forget me and promises I make to myself. So if I surround myself with people who love me and remind me of the good even then when I want to fall back into old habits and familiar pain I will be reminded of my choices. My week with Drew had been fantastic, I felt like a young woman sailing, snorkeling and playing tennis with this dynamic and very active young man. And now the vacation was over and reality set in and routines are hard to change if I keep trying to do that by myself!
Spiritual Practice: Take the ten minutes a day to meditate and remind me of my choice for gentleness and non-aggression. Keep my journal everyday and look back to see where I was and what has been happenning. Laugh a lot, ask for fogiveness when I mess up and keep placing me back into my heart where she belongs! Share good things with friends.

Living the Future Today

2009-07-10T07:06:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake:I have been writing a lot lately of what my life looks like as if it was happening or already happened. I am imagining my future and loving the dreams and the sensations that arise.
Spiritual Challenge:Do I dare to be the wild thing that feels no self pity for itself and focuses only on staying on the bough? Am I GI Jane up for doing whatever it takes to be where I imagine myself being?
Spiritual Practice: Noticing the fear, the desire to stay in the "Goldilock zone of not too hot and not too cold "and breathe as I sail to catch the wind living my life fully.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Strategic Planning

2009-07-08T14:15:00.007-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: A friend asked me what I thought of Michael Jackson's death. I was surprised as I had not heard nor read anything. In that moment I became aware that I had cut myself off from the world outside my home. Occasionally, I am like these geese, head down, nose to the grind stone, a puritan work ethic taking over my life. Everything here is nurturing me why bother to look around?
Spiritual Challenge: A teacher once said if you are going to live a spiritual life you have to read the newspaper and watch TV. Wedemeyer and Jue write that to live a spiritual life means to transcend compartmentalization and have a balance in one's life. I need to pay attention to the signs that it is time to lift my head up and stretch my neck!
Spiritual Practice: To take time regularly to assess the balance of work-play, private-public, doing-being, solo-collaboration. This is all a part of being kind to myself, a Vav-nik.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

MULKA-Mothers United for Loving-Kindness & Allies

2009-07-08T13:41:00.007-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I am aware of the disharmony in my body-mind-spirit universe that shows its head when I am confronted with unkind tones from an other. I do not like it. And I cannot figure out how to let the other know. The words are given to me feel sharp, dull and neither my heart nor mind is prepared and I am silent only responding from a place of fear of disconnection. I am in the midst of a monologue that I thought was a dialogue. And I can do it to others, too. I came home recently from a visit with my mother not liking myself. I was disappointed that I had not kept my promise to myself to be kind to her. I was attempting to break a family pattern. And sometimes I am not capable of pulling it off. Sometimes when I attempt to set boundaries I am awkward and my language patterns and my emotional intelligence are limited. I am feeling stunted.
Spiritual Challenge: Being loving-kind to myself when I do not live up to my own standards of behavior. To laugh instead of digging in the knife to cut out the bad stuff. And begin to peel off the outward layers of self doubt and getting to the core, my pure soul. And I remember to sing and LOL at and with me.
Spiritual Practice: Each day as I awake and look out at the water and trees and listen to the birds chirping and watch my chest rise and fall with each breath, I will remember I have free will and loving-kindness is a choice on the list of options and I can put myself at the top of that list.
MULKA: a virtual reality sponsored by the Society of the Vav.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Being

2009-06-14T19:40:00.003-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I could have gone drumming today and filled the time with something I enjoyed doing. Or I could have stayed at my home, played in the garden, rested at my leisure and enjoyed just being here. The little voice kept saying this is when the class is you might have to wait another three weeks to go. And I heard it and then said ya but I could stay home, read a good book, do some computer work, take a nap!
Spiritual Challenge: When do I know which voice to listen to? when I take the time and notice the feelings that go along with the thoughts. The feelings in the body said take care of you today, no need to leave there is lots to do here. Integrate what you have been doing...studying sailing literature, practice singing, oil the leather car upholstery, weed the garden. Just be....take a nap, put you feet above your head and lay on your back or just notice your breath.
Spiritual Practice: Slowing down to really live what I teach to be present for me and listen to the emotions, feelings, thoughts, body sensations and when i do i know i am loving me as only i can and i am satisfied beyond words.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Relationships Take Time

2009-06-14T19:19:00.007-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I have had the title for this blog for three weeks, ever since I turned in my BB Curve for a BB Storm. I wanted to so much for our relationship to be mutual and I kept working at being patient, breathing deeply, slowing down and nothing seemed to work. So i decided i had tried enough and i wanted my life to be easier than this! I needed to take action to make it happen.
Spiritual Challenge: In working with a client this week who had been reading Eckert Tolle's latest book she wanted to focus on the theme related to getting rid of the ego. I said before you get rid of the ego you need to notice when it takes over your life. In saying this I saw no connection between me and the topic. LOL as my grandsons would text me. Laugh out loud at me! That BB Storm was a status symbol for me and here I thought I was settling into the place of being comfortable with my working class background! No way, I may be a working class girl and I also am upper midlle class in terms of liking to have nice things!
Spiritual Practice: Continue to listen to the patterns in my life that my clients bring me and notice when the teaching is for me, too. And laugh at the joy of learning new things about me! Relationships sometimes have to be transformed out of the foreground of my life and not be on going. I sold my BB Storm and got another curve and this time it is hot pink!
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Memories

2009-05-12T06:41:00.005-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I was up too early this morning trying to keep control of my schedule and as I stood in the kitchen thoughts floated in and out of my consciousness. And I remembered my Uncle Harry who now of blessed memory once told me I was a writer. He was famous to me and his words and our relationship meant a lot to me. So if he were around I would thank him for blessing me. Arthur K once told me if you write you are a writer. I believe that and yet that does not honor the uniqueness of each of us to offer to the world our perceptions that fill emptiness, stimulate curiosity, deepen understanding, enhance imagination or inform or entertain or just keep track of a very busy and full life.
Spiritual Challenge: I want to honor Uncle Harry by dedicating this writing to him. I cannot tell his widow or his son as they have disappeared without a trace. I want to reach across time to when we were together near Camel Back Mountain or on Temple Street and laugh and cry with him. He was my hero. He never wrote anything that was published yet he had many friends who did. He was written about in a book and it still sits on my bookshelf. He was also my role model, he dedicated himself to the well being of his patients. He and my Aunt Norma always welcomed me into their home. I often stop and smile remembering to step outside my only child box, daughter of fiercely independent parents heritage and being the center of my universe to know, honor and remember those whose essence are woven into my being-ness.
Spiritual Practice: Write, write, write I tell my clients, express yourself on paper, do morning writings as Julia Cameron suggests in The Artist's Way or Natalie Goldberg teaches in Writing Down the Bones. Tell you your story. Writing grounds me in the moment, makes me stop and do something that connects the dots of my life. While I was away from home space the last two weeks I took my journal and each morning noted the Hebrew and secular calendar day, counted the Omer and wrote what I had been doing the previous day and what I was about to do and then just let the words, feelings and thoughts flow onto the page. When I got home I had a record of my journey and while I was gone I never felt lonely as I was present with me the whole way. What a gift from you, Uncle Harry, thanks for seing me in a bigger way than I could see me in that moment.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Building on a Legacy While finding Balance

2009-05-12T04:29:00.009-04:00

Blessings of Being Awake: Sometimes I wish my mind would just stop for a moment and then it happens and I wonder if I too have 'the disease.'

As I was reading one of the several books I have laying open around my home I read a phrase from The Blue Sweater by Jacqueline Novogratz that sang to me, 'together we can do anything.' The image that forms for me is of many bodies working together for a common good creating high energy. It is the next step to 'we need each other', it is a doing. I have noticed that I like doing, being physically involved in an activity. I love to travel and yet nothing felt right until cousin Linda said we going canoeing in the south of France in August and my heart got excited. Now that sounds like fun! Like paddling down the NC river with Tracey and Joan, totally involved...body, mind and spirit.
Spiritual Challenge: I remember once taking part in a road trip with many cars following the same route. I felt the same kind of electricity and excitement. It is that high I seek in between the quiet times of being alone and musing and working independently, well just my G!D and I. The challenge for me is remembering together does not have to mean lots of people. TED offered a lecture by Elizabether Gilbert that Lyndon sent me the link to recently. She talks about the creative process being a collaboration of the Divine and you and that worrying about doing it yourself ALONE can be daunting and bring on 'writers block' among other narrow, small grasshopper-like feelings. Yet when I remember the muse, diva, G!D, however you want to call 'it', there is a truth that creates a rippling effect to the autonomic nervous sysytem causing a deep full breath.
Spiritual Practice: When I was visiting the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondecherry, India I met a devotee from Japan who had her paintings on display. When asked about her creative process she spoke about her inspiration that came from a Divine source. I remember wondering what that feels like to be inspired by the Divine, G!D and wanting a piece of whatever that was. While living in Gainesville in the late 70's I went to see 'For colored Girls Who Consider Suicide When the Rainbow Isn't Enough' by Notzange Shang. One character said 'I found god and she is in me.' That phrase has stuck with me all these years and while I have practiced and imagined the Indwelling Presence, Shekhina, within me, not until I read 'The Shack' did it actually happen. My practice now is to notice my child spirit who sometimes is frightened of the night and the bullies and the alone-ness and the inactive-non-doing time and soothe her with knowing the Divine energy. In these moments I am feeding the hungry ghost and a smile relaxes on my face and I am resting in the arms of my Beloved.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Transparency and Telling the Truth

2009-04-25T08:14:00.009-04:00

Blessings of being awake:
I love hearing the word transparency and my visceral response to experiencing the directness of stating the facts is to light up inside and feel clean like a shiny squeaky clean baby’s bottom! And I am aware of how what I know and do not speak out loud gets in the way of what I do say! Often I wish I were a child again with no inhibitions or like my father was at the end of his life…just say it like it is, TZiPi! Several TV interviews that I watched and some collaborative meetings lately have been like this for me and I revel in those moments of speaking from my heart and there is a desire for wanting more!
Spiritual Challenge: Transparency demands a lot of me. I have to acknowledge my emotions in the moment and then step through the barriers they may create to the other side that is truth in that moment, as Fritz and Bodaken call MMOT, The Managerial Moment of Truth and write can improve performance and increase productivity. As I step forward into the unknown I am deepening a relationship with myself and only through this disclosing am I acknowledging what is, clearing the air and in the language of ballroom dancing creating a frame of connection so we each are moving into building a relationship of mutual pleasures. And my behavior is reflecting that I believe that what I say is important in that moment. I do not have to hide the conversation in some corner or wait for the perfect moment. The other night I was at a large table of friends celebrating a birthday and looking across the table I saw some friends that I wanted to ask about a ride to the airport. I hesitated and then gave myself permission to not wait until another time. I felt awkward talking in public about a private thing and as I spoke the world did not fall apart. In fact I heard about my friend’s mom and his concerns about her health. And I felt free and unencumbered. And I wondered about waiting to tell someone you love her and how many sad stories I have heard about missing the moment.
Spiritual Practice: I will set an intention to notice what I value and try to be in integrity with myself and consistent. To stay awake to what I believe and just live it! Oy Vay! What a discipline this requires and "to do my best" as Ruiz reminds me in The Four Agreements. And as the teachings of Hebrew Wisdom inform my life, discipline brings me closer to the Divine and the truth that we are all One heart beating. And isn’t that what we all want to not feel alone and to be able to cut through the ‘crap’ or the unsaid and get to the core of the issue. Unpeeling the layers is an art and takes lots of practice. And keeping my mouth open and breathing deeply assists in breaking an old pattern of silence, keeping my mouth shut for fear of reprisal and avoiding the truth and what the consequences will bring to an already dysfunctional system.

The truth is I am learning that I can take care of myself. So I am following my voice coach’s teaching to relax the muscles of my face and allow the smile to emerge and reflect the joy in my heart. And to continue to be aware what keeps me silent and what I experience when I let out the words springing from this heart. I set an intention to speak as readily as I purchase a gift for my daughters giving it to them immediately instead of waiting for a birthday, Chanukah or the next time I see them. Hebrew Wisdom teaches each moment is a beginning so I will be a beginner as the Llama in Nepal suggested we all are.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

‘And’ Expands My Heart and My Perspective

2009-04-25T07:54:00.004-04:00

Blessings of being awake: Recently I have noticed that the anger I had been harboring toward my father since he died has slowly been receding. I even said something nice about him the other day. I was surprised and then it happened again when later that week I spontaneously quoted his favorite phrase, ‘we need each other’. I was puzzled as I thought I had left his legacy off of my agenda through my decision that I was not going to stand on his shoulders. Then I began to notice the tightness in my chest soften when I thought of him and of his G!D. This emotional shift seems to have brought a different perspective.
Spiritual Challenge: I need to set an intention to remember that everything changes and to notice that there is always something I am not seeing and if I open my eyes perhaps I can see what on first glance is hidden. I want to believe that neither the joy nor the pain is forever and that if I do not harbor the pain and make myself a victim or a hero to my emotions and thoughts that this too will pass and I will and can let go of what is no longer useful to the nurturing of my soul. And that is what Harville Hendrix teaches in Keeping the Love You Find, there is a healing that happens when you stick in relationships long enough to heal those childhood wounds even with the dead.
Spiritual Practice: I said to a client the other day she might want to try the phrase ‘ I know nothing.’ She did not like this so I added the other half of the truth…'I am a very smart woman and I know nothing.' She liked the blending of these two truths. Since this conversation I have found myself laughing and saying that phrase and being an opening my heart and being curious. Moving beyond the narrow place, that we call in my tradition Mitzrayim, the Egypt of our slavery, and gaining perspective is for me like sitting in meditation, not moving, just allowing the sounds, sensations, feelings, thoughts to be noticed and give myself the option of keeping them around or letting them go and noticing what arises next. I need lots of practice off the cushion to do this. Sometimes I can do it for my clients better than I can do it for me.

So I will continue to attempt to do for me what I do for them. ..not to be a slave to thoughts or emotions that distract me from being kind and loving to me the core teaching of Hebrew Wisdom, it is all about love. These seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot are opportunities to refine my soul to prepare for receiving our holy teachings. Using the priestly letter Vav that connects heaven and earth in my life as a tool to gain perspective is my pilgrimage home.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Letting Myself Back Into My Heart

2009-03-19T08:00:00.007-04:00

Blessings of being Awake: I did not know I had let myself out of my heart and then I read the thought for today 'I forgive myself for not doing all I had I promised myself because I did not feel good enuf.' As soon as I read it I knew I had been journeying away from me, my G!D and my heart. I could feel the visceral movement through the layers of protection I surround my heart with.
Spiritual Challenge: Today something woke me up and I am noticing something is missing and I am out of alignment. The web site is launched and I am scared; can i follow through? I am more visible, out there in my eyes and the old fears around being safe and doing it 'right' arises. Can I notice these thoughts and keep believing in me even when I am sitting in not knowing? Moses says to Pharoah when trying to have the whole community leave slavery at one time, 'We will not know how we are to serve G!D until we arrive there.' I am a life longer learner of how to love me in each moment and it is fun doing this exploring.
Spiritual Practice: I can still hear Stephen Levine's voice 'let your self back into your heart' and I remember the visceral response to doing as I was directed. I can do this each moment; a simple breath, a thought and yes I am here. No longer the wandering Jew. I am back in my heart with my G!D and me. And in this moment I am smiling and laughing, opening my mouth, relaxing all the muscles of my face being young at heart, body and mind! Home I say to myself as tears well and my heart sings; Row, row, row my boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream!
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

I am reb TZiPi and I am here to recruit you

2009-03-07T18:53:00.004-05:00

Blessings of being awake: As I cut out the phrase ‘I got milk’ from the magazine ad I felt I had shifted to thinking instead of intuiting. And I was compelled not to give up on my intuition and to place the phrase on my project that I was I making at the collage workshop. The theme was ‘who I am in this moment’. The word ‘milk’ reminded me of Harvey Milk and the powerful phrase he began his speeches with, 'Hi, I’m Harvey Milk and I am here to recruit you.' This dead gay political activist had become one of my heroes.
Spiritual Challenge: I was dropping my aunt’s at the airport and as we drove by a sign I read it out loud and Aunt Estelle sitting in the passenger seat said ‘what did you say?’ I repeated the words and then laughing said I have the Abrams trait of reading signs out loud. She laughed for she knows she does that and Aunt Frannie in the back leaned forward and said ‘you don’t have Abrams traits you have your dad’s trait of warm and friendly and we need each other attitude’. She was right even if I do not like admitting how much like my dad I am. And my responsibility and challenge is to honor that trait and make it mine. I do stand on his shoulders. As a Jew I know how life affirming it is to have allies and holding the intention that we need each other helps in walking the path of Oneness and not separation that is so psychically painful. And moving beyond my doubting mind and trusting in people’s goodness is a challenge for me as I get close to people.
Spiritual Practice: I am a Vav-nik and am living an inclusive life’ I speak into the mirror and continue with ‘Hi, I am rabbi TZiPi Radonsky and I am here to recruit you to be a Vav-nik to stand up tall and be the leader you were born to be.’ I thought about my ancestor Sarah and wondered if she ever said, 'Hi, Hebrews, I am Sarah and I am here to recruit you to believe in The One Unknowable God.' Someone recently said they never heard of a Vav-nik and yet had heard of a Lamed Vavnik. I quickly responded, 'being a Vav-nik is the first step in becoming a Lamed Vavnik.' A Lamed Vavnik in Mystical Hebrew Wisdom is one of the 36 righteous people alive in the world at any given time. They are ordinary people who humbly hold the mystical key to mending the world.

Hi, sister and brother leader, I am reb TZiPi and I am here to recruit you. I am on a mission to make the world a better place through ‘de-butting’ the world and I am asking for your support.

i feel known and you can’t get better than that

2009-03-07T12:58:00.006-05:00

Blessings of being awake: I have heard Tziporah say with her passionate, heavy Brooklyn accent ‘he got me’ and I could feel her heart softening into joy and delight. My heart joined my friend’s and I was not remembering then an experience of 'being gotten' that I would have stopped me in my tracts so that I would spontaneously say out loud 'she got me!'. Andrea once spontaneously told me 'I want to be known’ and I heard this deep intuitive response from my very private introverted daughter and wanted this for her and yet was not quite sure what that would look like for me.
Spiritual Challenge: Being' known' or being ‘gotten’ requires me to 'show up' be bold with my energy and light; to be my Self, a leader among leaders, a priest among priests. Rabbi Lawrence Kushner writes in his Book of Letters about the letter vav, that it stands erect in its uniqueness, confident in being separate among others and linking with others to create a whole unity. I am learning that only when I am willing to risk being seen do I have more chances of being 'gotten' and 'known'.
For about the last 9 years on Friday afternoon I have tried to connect with my daughters, fill them in on my life and ask what is happening in theirs and bless them with a Shabbat Shalom, a Sabbath of peace and wholeness. This Friday Andrea called me and was most energetic as she told me about Oprah’s guest today, Dustin Lance Black, Academy Award winner for the screenplay written directly for the screen for the movie Milk. She explained that her excitement was two fold; one she was deeply moved by his story and second the movie Milk had not come to Beaufort that she knew of and she voiced her frustration about the kinds of films that came and the duration of their stay. "I will get to see it, yet' she said with great determination.
In her initiating of this conversation I felt deeply connected to my daughter in this tender place of needing to be known and now as I remember the conversation I again am noticing the emotions as tears well and fall on my cheeks. And I in that moment smiled; I had been gotten by my first daughter, my friend who was committed to loving and knowing me and my ‘difference’ and all within her very homophobic world. For the first time that I can remember she was the one who brought up this important place for me and I was able to take her knowing me into my body and rejoice in being gotten by her.
Spiritual Practice: The phrase ‘known’ in biblical Hebrew translates to a sexual experience as ‘Adam knew Eve.’ And as I heard with Andrea and saw in the movie Lost in Translation an erotic, fully alive moment, can happen without sex when the main characters enjoy each other in a long-into-the-night collaborative conversation. Coming-out or self-disclosing can be as easy as getting dressed in your favorite clothes or as hard as stating an opposing opinion to a new friend. My practice is to notice when I withhold me from coming-out and love that frightened part. So I have begun taking voice lessons and playing with coming out from my whole body in all kinds of new ways in a safe place. And maybe get to know me and get me in whole new ways!

Claiming the Liminal Space of Not Knowing

2009-02-12T09:07:00.008-05:00

Blessings of being awake: My new friend Eva told me with a big grin the other day that she is waiting for a new blog entry. I am aware that I have not written anything since December. I am not sure exactly why and i am choosing not to spend time wondering. It is a fact that I am sitting in 'nothing-viscerally-provoking-me-to-write-mode.' And spending time into why? and how come? gets me into a judging place and that does not provoke creativity for me. I am still learning how to inquire with innocent curiosity. So I start from this moment and ask myself as G!D asked Adam Ayecha? where are you? Adam went into this great storytelling of shame and blame. Now I could have looked at my calendar and seen what I have been doing for the last six weeks and explained away my absence from what I am committed to, my writing. In this moment I will not go backward and only notice that I am glad I am making time to write today. I am grateful that I have a computer that is working and I am well. There is no blame or shame needed to be fed only remembering what I love and doing it! Yet maybe I do not know know all that I love and I need to try something different: to try just being instead of doing. Eboo Patel says leaders do not make excuses; they ask how do we solve the problem? And I often suggest to my clients that contemplation, just being, is a form of strategic planning time that is necessary.
Spiritual Challenge: So not only am I learning to love me but how to love me; and staying focused with my deepest desire for peace of mind, being loving of me as my G!D is and to do what I love, is getting easier. To notice that being is an option and a challenge to the mind that always wants to be in action to see change. I am wanting to learn to be in the the liminal space of not knowing. I want to learn to live with ambiguity. I am on a threshold and i just need to limit the wondering and allow life to evolve. The moon is waning and I need not start any new projects. Social Security just called and i will be getting my benefits beginning in May so my bills will be paid. I need to be loving to me and try just being and not doing. Writing will wait.
Spiritual Practice: Being in a contemplative state and sitting with myself in kindness, breathing deeply and getting to know the liminal space of not knowing. In August of 1995 I was in that space when I heard 'you are going for a trip around the world.' I am a traveler and perhaps remembering Hebrew Wisdom's prayer for all travelers, that ease the moving over thresholds and into transitions maybe be helpful. So I started to chant the words whenever the desire for form or permanence arises. Listen, TZiPi, You and The Divine Mystery of All Life are One. You are not alone in this space; Shma listen to your heart's wisdom, you are not separate, dear one, and you are holy as She is holy. And just be and do what you love, sit and have a cup of mint tea and look at the clouds floating through your window.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

There is Nothing Sorry About You

2008-12-30T15:06:00.005-05:00

Blessings of Being Awake: I am aware that I am hearing the word sorry very often lately. For example; 'I am sorry I shut the door in your face' or 'I am so sorry about your mother's death' or 'so sorry I did not mean to hurt you' or 'I am so sorry I forgot to call and say thank you for the gift.' It seems people are trying to be kind and regretful of their behavior and others' unhappiness and in the the use of the phrase 'I'm sorry' they are not saying what they really mean. I'm sorry is used in place of 'Wow, I wasn't watching the door' or 'you must be experiencing so many emotions at you mother's death' or 'my intention was not to hurt you' or 'oops that was not kind of me to not let you know I received your gift'.

Spiritual Challenge : When someone speaks to me those words I have been saying 'there is nothing sorry about you.' If they are paying attention they usually smile and agree with me. I do not want to be right. I want to remind others and me to live up to our bigness. I am trying to go beyond my disappointment and anger and frustration when I sent our holiday gift-checks and heard nothing! I had to dig deep this time to care for myself, to look at what I have and choose down stream thinking! Saying thank you to those who bring me to the untruth thoughts of separation and isolation takes a lot of inner work. Since I have chosen to love me I am working hard to take deep breaths and think in 'ands' and paradoxes.

Spiritual Practice: Knowing there is nothing sorry about me and I have chosen 'peace of mind' over being stuck in narrow places and a slave to my thoughts I am choosing to act in truth and love as if the amazing people in my life are interrelated with me and to reach out to them. I decided that when I do not hear from them I am no longer going to linger or wonder or wait. I texted them to find out if they received the gifts. And what gifts I received, more than I ever expected, a continued and deepened relationship! Another gift from You, thank us for staying in touch!
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Meditation is Saving My Life

2008-12-26T12:02:00.008-05:00

This post was originally written as if mediation had saved my life and now I was onto other things. The truth is that meditation was the first step toward learning to live with me and the world and my evolving mindfulness practice where I am being kind to my self, opposing the mind that loves to doubt, judge, numb and suffer. I have changed the title of this essay to reflect an on going meditation practice. So when you read this essay take that into consideration. Thank you.

Blessings of Being Awake: So again I am giving attention to the fractals in my life and oh how I love patterns that repeat themselves as within them I feel held and order reigns. And I know better than that as even each part of a fractal is not the same they just fall together in love.

I have also noticed that I am talking with several of my coaching clients more regularly of the importance of having a spiritual practice. I often use myself as a model for them and when I tell them about my meditation practice that developed into a mindfulness practice I often use the phrase ‘it saved my life.’ And I believe it did.

In September of 1996, right before the rainy season, I arrived on the island of Koh Pang Ghan in the south of Thailand and hired a young man to carry me and my backpack up the mountain on his motor scooter. I was on my way to the Buddhist monastery Wat Kow Tom for ten days of silence. Rosemary and Steven were the best teachers I ever experienced. They did everything in their power to make it emotionally safe to just be; provided an order of the day with written instructions available to all on the dining room bulletin board, followed through with what they said they would do as have the times of our personal schedules displayed at a certain time and modeled their simple teachings. Those ten days were full of learnings and experiences I value to this day and say a deep thank you!

Spiritual Challenge: My new teachers knew about the mind that loves to wander even race from thought to thought, emotion to emotion. They knew the mind loves to suffer. And they knew we were here to make the world a better place. I knew the first two were true; I had lived what all they spoke of. And I was grateful to have lived as long to learn I am not alone. From my Hebrew Wisdom teaching I understand making the world a better place, Tikkun Olam-healing the world- and with self love I am learning I can be a part of making a difference.

Now with an opening heart carefully being circumcised I can appreciate the universal truths of Hebrew Wisdom that keep me mindful of the moment helping me to learn to live with my Self in peace, Shalom, and as Shalem, whole. Distractions come like fractals challenging me to stay true to me and my values of ‘that is all we need is love…da da da da da.’ I remember a long time ago balking at some young women students who told me they loved me; what do they know of love I thought to myself while being graciously polite. Now I do beleive that more and more each day.

Spiritual Practice: To believe and act on the truth that the Body is my holy friend, the Indwelling Presence of the Divine. From paying attention to Her I learn what to eat, when to sleep, when to stay away from something and when to do more! And I have so much still to learn as I am just a beginner.

For at least two years and every day at the Monastery I said the following words and when I said them as a mantra the mind eventually settled down and the heart opened to possibilities:
May I have great compassion for myself as I notice and then let go of the fear, anger, worry, doubt and ignorance, may I preserve my well being
May I continue to have the patience, courage, wisdom and faith to face the problems and challenges that come my way, may I have peace of mind.

My spiritual practice is evolving with prayer, solitude, creativity and building deeper relationships with my G!D, me and others in my life; the many pieces and multiple realities of an improvisational life. I am a Vav-nik of course what else could be true? I read The Shack a few weeks ago and was surprised at how it helped deepen my G!D link. When in tight places I call out 'Mah Yakar Hasedecha', how Precious is Your Loving Kindness' or recite in Hebrew the 13 attributes of G!D and find myself back in relationship with Her and me at least until the next distraction.
Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Musing on the Moment

2008-12-22T15:45:00.004-05:00

Blessings of staying awake: As I prepared to open my home for a celebration of creating my very new real home and the lighting of the first Chanukah lights I took a moment to write these notes.

Dear Ones,
At this point in time of the longest day, the Winter Solstice,
and the shortest night,
as we move into the 25th of Kislev, the first night of Chanukah
and a celebration-dedication of my living space by raising the sides of my tent
and welcoming the souls who have soothed my transitional move
I think of you in other physical places and held tenderly here in my heart.

My blessings go to you of peace of mind and heart
Of joy and befriending of the moment
Of friendship and a deep full breath
to ease adjustments to whatever 2009 will bring.

And may each word of the blessings we say strengthen us
Open our eyes to the beauty around us
And to the abundance of what we have
And may we each feel the Love available any time.

Happy Chanukah, Joyous Solstice, Happy Kwanza and Merry Merry Christmas!

TZiPi

Spiritual Challenge: To keep my heart open so that I can continue to write from it and receive the love that comes back. Also to have the patience with myself and others when i am thrown a curve ball and my knees are not as loose as I would like and I trip on my own expectations. Oh, being human is tough some time! I am feeling drained from having so many people in my space for 3 hours and being the host which i love and i love my quietude also. Taking a hot bath would be great instead of answer the e-mails, washing the floor and returning all I borrowed.

Spiritual Practice: To stop; breathe deeply, smiles with happy eyes and laugh at me. I am in such a habit of judging me when I do not live up to my own expectations..I have to remember to notice and remember I am fluid not a stone!!!!!

Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Challenges of Holding Multiple Realities

2008-11-27T11:16:00.005-05:00

Blessings of Staying Awake: Years ago I went to several workshops on the Enneagram and learned I was a 'Four'. To me that meant I was in the caring group and I had a strong need to be different. I felt comfortable with that category. Then recently I took an on-line questionnaire based on the Enneagram and I still came out a Four. I was relieved at the consistency and I began thinking of the blessings and curses of uniqueness. My need to be unique often isolates me and keeps me righteous and judging and gives me a flare if I dare to let my true colors fly.

This Thanksgiving morning as I lay on the grass overlooking the inter-coastal waterway being led through stretching my mind and body in various Pilates poses a thought crossed my mind. My uniqueness that I hold onto for dear life is also everyone's gift from the Divine. And I then asked myself 'Why was I trying so hard to value it as better?' I laughed at my child who screams 'Mine!' not wanting to share. And as I heard my yoga teacher telling us that each breath was unique and not to compete with others or yourself my mind wandered to the thought how universally true that was.

My thoughts took me down the path that in Hebrew the root of the words breath and soul are the same and I was caught up in this Divine, mysterious connection. I told myself in that moment that since my soul is unique with a specific mission that competing or isolating myself only makes my mission more difficult or impossible. And I began welling up as we lay in the corpse pose and Jerry read Melody Beatty's words on self love.

Spiritual Challenge: my life is not separate scenes disconnected from each other. Each scene is vibrantly connected to another and I am connected to them in the same way. To remember what I teach as a rabbi and holder of a universal truth is that it is all about relationships whether it is to space, things, people, weather or souls and remember that I truly am never alone.

Spiritual Practice: to continue making time during the day to stop, breathe, and focus on the moment for no other reason than it is my discipline for getting what I want; a deeper relationship with my divine self that is interrelated with the world.

Blessings of the Vav: I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Getting the Word Out

2008-11-17T07:22:00.005-05:00

How does an introvert express the deep desires of her heart without preaching or pushing her values and views on others? I started making specialized business cards.

Several years ago I was obsessed with asking people to pray for peace in the Middle East. I took business cards and printed on one side 'Take three minutes to pray for peace in the Middle East'.

On the other side I typed: 'Not by might and not by power but by Spirit alone shall we all live in peace' from Debbie Freedman's song based on Zacharia's prophetic words.

Then recently I was obsessed with the phrase 'Love yourself as if you were your own lover'. So I made up cards that said that on one side and the other 'Why not, you are amazing!' And I passed them out, left them in bathrooms and on shelfs where I thought they would be found.

Now I have made postcards to reflect my latest obsession to 'de-but' the world through the Hebrew Wisdom of the Vav. One side of the post card asks: Are you a Vav-nik?
Vav-nik: one who honors Hebrew Wisdom and the linking energy-intelligence of the Vav through behavior and intent. The Vav is the 6th letter of the Hebrew alphabet and is
most often translated as AND.

On the other side is written:
Vav-nik Intentions
- we can hold multiple realities and truths
- life is improvisational and one must learn to dance with the need of the moment building bridges between people and thoughts
- our individuality is our gift we bring into collaborating

Vav-nik Behaviors
- choosing to use the word AND instead of BUT
- being able to sit next to an 'enemy' and engage in authentic non judgmental conversation

Sarah Bernhardt once said to get people to know who you are you must use all modes of connection. Beside her movie and theater presence she had her name on soaps, food, paper, clothes and more than I can remember. Now her name is a word that my generation and other movie buffs are familiar with.

Perhaps by putting all this energy into honoring the linking energy of the Vav this too will become something people will think about and set the intention that we are all connected so why not treat each other with the love we are taught to give to our self; love the stranger as your self.

Blessings of Vav: there is no end to the realities and the love I can hold and the ways they can be expressed. I am complete and the story dynamically continues! TG!!!!

Prayer to a Compassionate G!D

2008-11-07T10:39:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I was listening to a radio show where the participants were talking about the power of prayer that helped them pass the amendment that would not only limit my rights and other lesbian and gay people in Florida and California but the rights of many people who choose not to marry and live together. I wonder who is their God who takes sides to discriminate against me?

I have a friend whose body is filled with cancerous tumors and we are beginning a prayer circle for her through the Internet. I believe in praying for healing that is about self love. What is so different about this kind of prayer? I am asking for something that does not exclude some one else's human rights.

I am asking myself why I did not consider praying that the Florida amendment not pass? Why did I think it was only necessary to pass out information, write letters, send money and talk to people. What kept me from asking my G!D to help me have the strength and courage to love and accept myself in contrast to the hatred of gays and lesbians in the world.

Rabbi Geoff says we tend to be logicians and stay in our heads forgetting we live in all four worlds: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. I needed to remember that my G!D is a G!D of compassion and I can set a Kavanah, intention, that is non-linear and inclusive and does not take sides. Since my G!D can hold in the womb of creation all; perhaps like our ancestor Rebecca with Essau and Jacob we can wrestle and both come out alive.

Hebrew Wisdom teaches that prayer comes from the heart. The wisdom of my heart knows this amendment to the Florida constitution was discriminatory and limiting. I wonder what kept me from going deeply inside, setting a Kavanah for what is the highest good for both sides and talking with my G!D? And then to listen to the voice of Chesed, loving kindness and Gevurah, strength, that both blend with the energy of the heart, Tifferet, beauty and equanimity.

So I set an intention to have more conversations with my G!D in and out of prayer.

Blessings of the Vav: sometimes I have to hold my passion, my logical thinking and my relationship with my G!D together. The questioning and wrestling with my G!D and then the deep listening may help me heal as the covering of my heart slowly melts away and for a moment I will feel a part of the world I often protect myself from.

Residuals of a Life Out of Control

2008-11-07T06:47:00.010-05:00

Today I missed a client's appointment. My responsible respectful kind adult was not in control as my little girl focused only on her wanting to play. So after coming home from a shopping spree I hunted down a good movie and drove 30 minutes to a place I had never been to before. I was determined to do be spontaneously frivolous.

'Oh, my G!D, what have I done?' I shuttered when I checked my phone and discovered I had missed the appointment. And I was reminded of the time I had bounced a check to my therapist. As I sat in a pool of shame as a dysfunctional patient and graduate student my therapist laughed and told me of the time when she had bounced a check and realized her life was out of control.

Blessings of the Vav: some times holding all of life's realities is like attempting to juggle all the other's needs and not including myself. And all I can do is laugh, learn, forgive, apologize and move on! And thank G!D for Shabbas, a moment in time to regroup and listen deeply to the me that felt dissed and offer a gratis session to my client! Halleluyah!!!!!

Shalom: Saying Good Bye and Hello

2008-09-28T15:28:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow night I will join Jews all over the world as the sun sets to honor the ending of the year 5768 and begin to celebrate the birth of the world and the new year, 5769. I am so excited and ready. There has been much intensity in this last month of creativity and travel and I am ready to pause and notice the moment and be with my people.

It is a time of renewal of coming back to my true self, of forgiveness of myself and of others and of the opening of the Book of Life. We will chant this week on Rosh Hashonah and next week on Yom Kippur ' and who will die and who will live'. I take a deep breath thinking about these words as they remind me of how much I do not know, of how much I have influence on and how much I have to learn.

Letting go of the past and making room for the next moment is a dance I am learning. And when I have not let go of 'enuff' of this past then I will have the opportunity of seeing it again and again and again. And I laugh and know that I am not laughing alone with me.

5768 has been an extraordinary year of letting go and uncovering my heart. This blog has been a vessel for my shedding of the Klippot, the covering of my heart and soul so that I can be more authentic with myself and others and do my part in healing the world. This week's Torah portion translates that G!D is aware of the concealed places and is the uncoverer of the heart. So as I do my strip tease dance She is right there catching the veils and smiling at my courage to be me after all these years. And I am amazed that I have not given up even when I wanted to.

So the circle of life continues, as it is a circle to me, a spiral continuing to move outward and upward, embracing more and more love with each cycle, each threshold I cross over.

Blessings of the Vav: life is a cycle of hello's and good byes, on and on through eternity so why not join in choosing life since i have partner at each crossing.

Learning To Be Held in Elul

2008-09-04T14:00:00.009-04:00

Elul, the last month of the Hebrew Wisdom calendar is an opportunity for transformation in returning to my true self. Mindy Ribner in Kabbalah Month by Month writes that it is a time to complete unfinished business, plan for the future, deepen a relationship with G!D and do all this with kindness.

Blessings of Mindfullness and Being Awake:
When Holly was 9 she asked her mom if I, one of her mom’s best friends, was gay. Knowing Holly’s close relationship with me her mom replied ‘why don’t you ask her yourself?’ Holly responded ‘ I do not want to hurt her feelings.’

What is it that this wise curious sensitive nine year old already knew?

When Kendall was in college and in the process of coming out as lesbian she asked me, her mom’s dear friend whom she knew was in relationship with a woman ‘what would you do if your daughter told you she was gay?’ I replied ‘I would be concerned because it would be a very hard life.’

Kendall went away angry and sad and confused and valuing the truth and wanting to prove me, her older friend, wrong.

What would I be without the thought that being lesbian is something I have to be careful with like a sharp knife or lit match? What kind of emotional damage am I protecting others from that I do not think also attacks me and leaves a legacy of fear of being one’s self with my daughters and their offspring?

In my several years of living a life of loving women I have had many opportunities to see the joys and gifts of being lesbian. And then there were situations where I reached out to someone I thought might be lesbian or gay to offer a helping hand and have frequently been told to mind my own business and that I was wrong!! Gay-dar gone wrong!

How long does it take to learn that whom you are is something not many want to be?

In my dissertation I wrote that the definition of lesbian I found in the literature is ‘affectional and or sexual relationships with women’. When I tell my women cousins and friends whom I am close with this citation some say ‘ not me’ others say well I guess I am lesbian. I can accept both responses and I feel a lot safer around women who admit that their love of women is that amazing and valid that they can give themselves an adjective that others might find repulsive.

I often wonder how long does it take to love my many colors and make that a priority over hate?

When I travel by air my daughter Ilana often blesses me that I should sit next to an angel. Yesterday my angel was a man from one of my daughter Andrea’s home town and a distant relative of her husband. He was a delightful flying partner sharing his life story and engaging with mine. I try to be aware of my stereotypes and yet am unconsciously incompetent many times. And there was something about the way my angel moved, his language and quick wit that made me think he was a gay man. And I was hoping for a real conversation.

And as the plane got closer to our destination I struggled for what seemed forever on how to approach the subject delicately I knew there were some gay men in my daughter’s husband’s family and I was hoping my angel was one of them. I cautiously asked if he had heard of Soulforce or Mel White one of its founders. Sounds familiar this polite Southerner responded and then asked what they were. I took a very deep breath praying for Divine intervention and said Mel White is the co-founder of this non violent Christian organization that supports gays and lesbians and without a beat he said his brother was gay, lived in San Fransisco with his partner and was active in Human Rights Campaign. I relaxed having passed through the gate and felt relieved. I also felt disappointed while continuing to engage him in conversations about family and gay issues. Then he told me he was divorced after 21 years of marriage to a wonderful woman and that many of his friends thought he was gay. He did not think so. I told him about my research on coming out and that others often know before we do. He said ‘he got that one’ as he had just decided to run for political office and when he told his friends they responded ‘ at last’ and ‘Great!’

Then I took my boldest move and said that I had only brought up the gay issue because I thought that perhaps he was gay. He laughed and said 'not right now' and I will think on it. I responded his knowing would come from his heart. He agreed. And I then told him the “Holly” story. He said he understood as some of his family members had to work at accepting his brother. As the plane landed and we walked off in different directions I watched as he headed toward his gate and I thought what a lovely sashay.

What happens when you dare to tell the truth and stand in awe and delight at being received?

After all these years of loving women and men, counseling lesbians and gay men, doing workshops on making the professional environment gay friendly, encouraging people to come out that maybe I am beginning to own and then to hold less tightly the thought that being different in loving women is not dangerous and that perhaps being out can bring me closer into relationships.

Perhaps I can act on the fact that in accepting my different-ness I can also become more consciously competent in accepting others' uniqueness. Oh, dear, what will I be when those judging thoughts only choke me for a little bit of time? LOL-laugh out loud-my grandsons would say!

Blessings of the Vav: Saying “Yes and” to life is following the Hebrew Wisdom of ‘choose life’ and trusting that there is something bigger than me making the world a better place. I have only to love and be me, authentic and not try to save the world as I already am. Hebrew wisdom also teaches that in saving one life you have saved the world!!! Halleluyah!!

Finding Allies and Building Bridges

2008-08-25T07:36:00.004-04:00

I have been trying to seek out other voices that would support Agudat Havav, The Society of the Vav. There is a universal wisdom each of us is hearing and the honoring of these paths to the same goal of healing the world helps me feel less alone and more supported in my truth.

I am always reminding myself that life is improvisational so why not pull from 'improv' wisdom. The 'yes and' exercise Avish Parashas writes about is to support the universal truth that life is fluid and dynamic and always changing and always connected to the next, previous and simultaneous moment.

Susan Scott in Fierce Conversations and Marshal Goldsmith and What Got You Here Won't Get You There each write about the and versus the but. And how the power of the words we use indicate our intention. But has the power to make one right and another wrong, to negate anything that comes before it. Where and connotes an acceptance of multiple realities where all is real and cannot be rationalized away.

In mediation and when people are coming together to create something that did not exist before Stephen Colbert reminds us that it is imperative that each voice be valid. And or yes and would allow the flow of thought without a 'one upping' of each other. My voice then would be valid no matter the ego of another.

Scion's marketing department has created a powerful video advertisement for their varied models. It begins by showing various models of cars coming together in the dessert. The tag line is What makes us different brings us together: United by Individuality. How far I often feel from that moment.

The Sages tell us that when the Hebrews gathered around Mt. Sinai to hear the Ten Sayings and see the sound and hear the light each person was placed at a particular spot so each could hear their piece of truth that each has a responsibility to fulfill each lifetime. We are also taught not to covet for each of us has a path and must stay true to it no matter the distractions that we may run into. And I know my coveting thoughts especially when I am off the path. So I notice when I want to be or do what someone else is doing and use it as a red flag to come back to center, be tender and then begin again staying true to me.

Falling asleep is so easy. Settling is staying in line and living an vanilla life. I want more: Frida Kahlo is my hero as is Cher who is constantly reinventing herself. I can live without the surgery even though sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder how I got those wrinkles when I am feeling so young and alive! Another paradoxical moment of AND.

Blessings of the Vav: And the beat goes on and on and on and on....

Being Included Is Like breath To Me

2008-08-10T09:55:00.007-04:00

A review of Love Bade Me Welcome to honor Phyllis Silverman Ott-Toltz. The memoir was written with Barbara Bamberger Scott.

Only when a person expresses uniqueness can a meaningful joining with others occur. Hoffman p.36 on the meanings of Vav, 6th Hebrew letter.

In the early 70’s when I had been married a few years my mother enrolled me as a life member of Hadassah, an International Jewish women’s organization. I think she was hoping it would help me stay more connected with the Jewish people since I married someone who was not Jewish and at the time was living in the Bible Belt of South Carolina. And she was right and I am sure she had no idea how this gift would heal my heart around my ‘other-ness’.

A few years ago I was musing through the monthly Hadassah magazine and in the recently published book section the word Meher Baba jumped out and my heart skipped a beat with excitement and the feeling of disorientation. I took a deep breath and thought I am reading a traditional Jewish magazine and how did my ‘outside life’ get here?

In the late 90’s early 2000 I had returned to the Jewish community with the passion of a Baal Teshuvah, one who returns. My path included; studing in my local Reform community that led me to become a Bat Mitzvah, searching for ways to bridge my Buddhist practice with Judaism, working at Elat Chayyim a Jewish Renewal retreat center as an intern and then two years on summer staff and listening to my heart that kept saying “I want to become rabbi’ by first applying to rabbinical college and when rejected aligning myself with a rabbi who would train and then ordain me Rabbi.

Since Buddhist meditation had enabled my returning to Judaism by softening the covers around my heart, I therefore wanted to learn contemplation from a Hebrew Wisdom perspective to continue with my coming Home. One winter when I could not make it from North Carolina where I was living to the retreat in New York a local friend recommended Meher Baba Spiritual Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was desperate for silence gave them a call.

The center welcomes guests if they are not members as long as they are interested in learning about Meher Baba and his teachings. I learned that Meher Baba was an avatar living his life as a god man. MBSC was established in the 1940s with a gift of about 500 acres on the Atlantic Ocean. Although he visited there only one time from India MBSC holds his holiness and his devotees created a wildlife sanctuary that was exquisitely run in the beginning by several women devotees and now is maintained mostly by volunteers. Wearing my kippah and asking for my silence to be honored I was welcomed with great love and appreciation of my tradition and needs. At first I was cautious as Baba's pictures were everywhere and I was not sure of anyone's intention. Yet the more I visited the more comfortable I became with the acceptance and love available by staff. It was easy for me to want to return many times after that. At MBSC the teaching is to be yourself, don’t worry be happy. A nd that love is eternally there and yours for the asking, also core teachings of Hebrew Wisdom.

And I am continually and unconsciously looking for role models, sisters who will soothe the pain of feeling unique and different and outside the norm and help me celebrate my uniqueness and not feel weird. So when I read about Phyllis Ott and Meher Baba in the Hadassah magazine I was very curious and immediately ordered the book.

When the book arrived I stopped everything as I was hungry for the unknown. I was delighted to find out that Phyllis and I had many things in common. We were both born Jewish, grew up in small working class communities around the North Shore of Boston and both Aries with our birthdays five days and about 15 years apart. We are mothers and women spiritual searchers for the Divine who wrestle with what it means to be and live as a Jew. Our schooling took different routes as she found her intellectual place and artistic passion early at home and through being a graduate of Radcliff-Harvard and as an artist. The book is a memoir told to a friend. She and her collaborator Barbara hold nothing back recording her life as other great painters with large brush strokes while giving great attention to all the details for accuracy even the ones we wish were forgotten. Love Bade Me Welcome describes her transformation from a very bright curious and ‘scared kid’ to a brave woman artist secure in her devotion to her mentor Meher Baba.

Phyllis continues to live at MBSC in the home where her husband Lynn and their children spent several years as the only family Meher Baba allowed to live on the land. She travels, creates and hosts family, friends and guests that arrive at the center. Her life continues to offer challenges that keep her vital as she passes on her wisdom through mentoring others.

The next time I was at MBSC I called Phyllis and she welcomed me into her home and life and our friendship began. In our times together she loved to interject her Hebrew Wisdom heritage into the conversation seeking validation of a memory or engaging in questioning of perspectives. I think Phyllis would be pleased as I compare her book to a Vidui, a traditional Hebrew Wisdom process of confession, a truth telling as one prepares to die, a telling of the stories hidden in the heart. And I do not think Phyllis Ott is ready to die; she is wanting the world to feel connected to her and now all who read her story are joined with her in this world and eternally. May everyone be so blessed to say Henanai, I am here.

'Love is there whether you want it or not' Phyllis told me recently. I know I love with Phyllis. She has offered her self as a role model and has inspired me to continue my spiritual journey as a proud woman, to stand as erect as the Vav as that is the only way one can truely connect with anyone. She encourages me to weave in all my colors, the bold proud parts and the pale hidden parts by bringing them out of the closet removing any remnant of shame and to laugh at the weaving of life and how the beauty of all these pieces create a collage that strengthens my connection to my G!D and in doing so makes me happy. With this offering of a perspective I am smiling and wondering what comes next? Who knows, maybe a memoir for my daughters to read the parts I could not tell them in person and then they can have a different role model for truth telling that may be a transforming element for their life.

Blessings of the Vav: everyone wants to feel the power of connection. Thank you, Phyllis, for including yourself in my life and letting me feel the joys of being included in yours.

A Birth Day

2008-08-08T15:44:00.004-04:00

When the sun rose this morning I remembered that I became a mother 46 years ago and I smiled at the gift given to me when I was not looking. I sit here knowing that when the sun sets in a few hours that I will begin 26 hours of rest and I am taking a deep breath and patiently try to sit here for just a few more minutes before I will perhaps experience a piece of the world to come. When Shabbat is over the saddest day in Hebrew Wisdom history will begin and I can hear the haunting chant of Lamentations ringing in my ears and feel the universal sadness of loss and destruction of dreams.

I am in awe that I can hold in my heart the uniqueness of each of these very powerful events and not blend them, not give them a hierarchy, not loose their impact on my life and not try to categorize or explain them away. Each is as important as the creative project I am giving birth to today.

It has been almost 11 months since I began this blog and started looking at the blessings of the sixth Hebrew letter, vav. My new Israeli friend Beenie helped find a new Hebrew name for this idea that came through me: Agoodat HaVav because Agoodah infers connection and connecting to me and others is my intention, my deepest desire. And I am continuing to water the concepts without knowing where we are going for I am building my faith in the Mystery I sometimes call She, Shechinah, In-Dwelling Presence or G!D.

One of my daughter's fears is that she will not fulfill her mission as a mother or wife and that she will do the same behavior that her mother displayed and leave in the middle of a run. I have the same feeling floating through my heart and abandonment is not an option as I am not a grasshopper like my ancestors thought they would think of themselves. My spirit is full and large and I have the tenacity of the leader that I am.

Watering sounds like such a little chore. Trust me it is not as distractions are rampant. My other thought-options are that there is not enough water, I cannot find the vessel to carry the water, where is the tree anyway, where is the water and I am not good enough to do it. These thoughts are upstream thoughts and not acceptable to this mind. I am The One who is doing the watering and I am taking my commitments seriously.

I am watering from the eternal well of the society of the Vav: this is a holographic loop as the Vav is the tree, is the body of the Holy Name and is the well eternal, Mayan Raz my sisterhood of friends. What a powerful image to hold as I shut off my connection to the world and contemplate rest, study and love.

Shabbat Shalom, 7 Av 5768.

New Moon; An Opportunity for a Renewal Life

2008-07-15T07:54:00.011-04:00

The intention of the month of Tammuz is to look at things as they are . As I prepare to step into the Mikveh, ritual bath, and cleanse myself of the past months experiences I begin to think and feel what I want to cleanse myself from and what new intentions I want to set.

This month my coaching focused on what I was feeling I was missing and what in actuality I have….lots! I am Maayan Raz, an eternal spring. Not that I am special in any way; this eternal spring is within everyone and we, I, just have to remember this truth.

Eternal Spring means to me that I am connected to the Divine, I am never alone; whether or not my heart is innocent, uncovered, unclouded by the emotions that can constrict the natural rhythmic flow, living in the present moment and imagining possibilities.

So what do I do to remember this truth since I do forget? I teach what I have to learn; I put me at the top of my list, I welcome and surround myself with people who are sometimes wild and crazy and do not limit their thinking and those who do I try to learn from them. I take good care of myself, most times, through eating what I need to keep me healthy, exercising, resting and having objects around me that remind me of joy, love and possibilities. I acknowledge what I know and how much more I want and have to learn. I listen to my heart. I ask for forgiveness of myself and others. I admit what I do not know and have forgotten. I listen to what I speak to my clients and learn from what they tell me. I look for fractals, patterns that appear in my life. I am learning that in order for a spring to continue to flow that I need to be replenished and cleansed from all sources.

Blessings of the Vav: Life is an eternal spring if I choose to see it that way; I can see life as if it is chaos and then I can take a deep breath knowing this too shall pass and a new moment, new month, shall arise offering me an opportunity to begin anew.

Hungry Ghosts and the Grasshopper Story.

2008-07-06T22:11:00.005-04:00

In the Chinese tradition, I learned while reading Lisa See's novel Peony in Love, when a person dies and does not have completion of their life's mission they are called a hungry ghosts. And their energy hangs around until fed and then completed. In Hebrew Wisdom this is called a dybbuk, an entity that stays around the living whom it is connected to hoping for a resolution that will send it's soul on it's way. It seems it is the emotions that remain unfettered.

While reading Jason Shulman's Kabbalistic Healing I learned about the emotions in the world of Yetzera that need to be integrated in order to be able to hold the paradox of opposite emotions and to be clear in the thinking of the world of Beria.

The emotions that I seem addicted to I am now calling hungry ghosts and I decided that if I fed them, gave them attention, perhaps they would not need to keep hanging around and distracting my energy from getting what I want.

So as I noticed the flickering of an emotion that I would have typically tossed aside I instead started paying attention and drawing the ghosts and naming each one for instance: 'the need to look good hungry ghost', 'the never enuff hungry ghost', 'the fear of failure HG', or 'I want to be special HG'. Instead of keep tripping over them I have decided to stop denying their presence and just 'feed them'. Once day I even made a plate of food and put it outjust as the people in See's book do.

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is what I call the grasshopper story when ten of the 12 spies Moses sent to check out the holy land return saying that there were giants over the Jordan and the giants would see the Hebrews as grasshoppers and the Hebrews would also see themselves as grasshoppers. When G!D heard this an immediate decision was made, no one with those thoughts could go into the holy land and the years of wandering began.

So with the strength of a giant I am facing my hungry ghosts, feeding them and sending them on their way so I can get into the holy land sooner rather than latter. Why not? Only G!D knows how much time I have on this earth and I have too much to do to get hung up on any of these grasshopper moments.

Blessings of the Vav: to be clear of heart and mind a whole picture must be viewed and including all emotions: I am sad and happy about leaving and going all in one breath.

Intention: To Save a Life

2008-06-25T11:25:00.005-04:00

In Hebrew Wisdom we are taught the importance of the intention to save one life. In fact the poster on the wall in my friends' home quotes the Talmud; who ever destroys a single life destroys the entire world and who ever saves a single life saves the the world entire.

I believe that I have always wanted to make the world a better place. When I was a young mother in Peabody I donated many times to the Red Cross as I thought that my blood was the only thing I had to give.

Yesterday I worked with a woman who felt caught in the fortress around her heart. The next day after our session she was beaming no longer captured by the past. She wrote me short note saying that 'you not only saved a life you did a mitzvah.' A mitzvah is a way of connecting my soul with the Divine and being directly on one's mission path.

When I wonder about my work as a rabbi and what impact I have on people as a healer of hearts I will remember this moment. I remember the erev Shavuot when many Jews stay up all night studying when a group of women got together to study and told their stories of their relationship with Judaism. It was a lovely evening, gentle, kind, open and when everyone was heading home each said let us do it again as they felt connected in a new way to their roots and that made them happy.

Today a healer asked me if I had been working with people who have so many gifts they were confused as to which path to follow. In getting caught in my linear, all or nothing, good or bad thinking I can limit my choices to how I will love myself and my life! We spoke of embracing and integrating our passions and living one life that is layered with passions over a life time; each passion feeding the other like the ob-gyn doc who loves to paint.

How can I save my life? I tell my clients that a good coach listens deeply to their voice and to my inner voice and then we collaborate to help them get what they want and need. I must do that for myself , too.

Writing helps me accept myself and to be confident as I am embracing all of me as I create and save one life.

Blessings of the Vav; if the vav can save the world then the and can save my life through including all of me, loving all of me despite the rough spots I am saving my life for Who knows what will come next.

I Know Nothing Or At Least I Need to Pretend I Do

2008-06-16T08:05:00.004-04:00

On Friday I received a message from a healer friend in Israel that she needed some hands on help with some distance work she was doing with a woman in Brooklyn. Sunday I was able to connect with the family. Not knowing what I am capable of and how I can help I moved in slowly; speaking directly of my limited experience for their needs and offering to do what I could to find someone locally for them. When I got off the phone I tried very hard to sit in a place of not knowing asking for information that might lead to know what my part in this process was. I was aware of how the ego was playing and teasing me to be more involved, judging me for not jumping in to play. When a persistent idea kept coming into my consciousness I called and offered that information to the family and as we talked more thoughts arose that I offered that was helpful and mind expanding for the family member I was speaking with. In the humble place of not knowing there was space for information that is needed to arise. I am in awe.

Blessings of the Vav: even when I think that I know what belongs after the next 'and' I must breathe deeply and allow what needs to fit the space to arise without the arrogant nature and desperate mind's need to fill space taking over. I must impose impulse control and tzitzim, make space for the other. I am not alone! Another moment to act in the image of G!D.

An Artist's Prayer

2008-06-11T04:43:00.004-04:00

As I move through the place I am leaving seeing the details I cannot avoid I found this prayer I had stuck up on the transom of my office/creativity room. I have had it for quite a while and could not throw it away and yet in its present condition I could not take it with me. So I sat at the computer to copy it and as I read it I knew I needed to create a new poem based on the one that an anonymous person had written adding my touch and hopefully new energy for my new home. I think we are are all artist's in our own way; not quite like Betzelel and yet who is judging? If we are all created in the image of the Divine and in Her likeness then we are capable of being creative doing our part to enhance the beauty of what we have.

An Artist’s Prayer

O Great Creator of All Life, Breath of our Breath
We gather Here in Your name
That we may be of service to You
And to our sisters and brothers
We offer ourselves to you as instruments
We open ourselves to your creativity in our lives
We surrender to you our old ideas
We welcome your new and more expansive thoughts
We trust that you will lead
We trust that it is safe to follow
We know you created us and that creativity
Is Your nature and our own
We ask you to unfold our lives
According to Your plan and let us see what we have deemed impossible
Help us to believe that it is never too late
And we are can be healed and feel the connectedness with all things
Help us to love one another
To nurture each other’s unfolding
To encourage each other’s growth
And understand each other’s fears
Help us to know that we are never alone
That we are made in Your Image and loved and lovable
Help us to create as an act of worship to You.
adapted from Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way

Blessings of the Vav: In adding our touch we are creating something new and putting our mark on the world; then 'everything changes' is not a burden when we live with the possibility that with each breath we are loving our Self.

Addictions

2008-05-30T17:52:00.004-04:00

Addictions seems to be the theme for this week. Addicted to feelings, thoughts, patterns of behaviors. Addictions that cause pain and suffering and unhealthy ways of coping with both.

I am moving to a new home that I just bought; an old pattern was broken...that of avoiding a permanent home. And while getting ready for the move I have not asked one person to help me; stuck in an old pattern that I can do it myself, thank you very much. Although some have offered I am no where ready to direct them is my thought.

So I became addicted to my thoughts that were running at least two hundred miles an hour as I ran from one part of my condo to the other never completing a task. I started to pack a shelf of books and came across a book that needed to be in another box in the office so I took it there and got involved in checking my e-mail and responding to the latest memo then realizing I was thirsty and walked toward the kitchen and stopped to relieve myself and found something on the bathroom counter that needed to be thrown out in the kitchen and picked it up walked into the kitchen to grab a snack and seeing an empty box into kitchen that could be filled.

Now that I look back it was like I used to do when I was out of control and needed to be on lithium. I did not think there was another way of doing this preparation until this morning while I waited for the plumber to repair the flapper in the toilet tank. I could not leave as I did yesterday. Perhaps I was a bit exhausted by the running and moving all week so I stayed in the house looking at my to-do list to complete tasks I had started. I looked on list and started to complete items left over from other days.

Thank G!D it is Shabbat and that I choose to rest.

Blessings of the Vav: sometimes there are too many 'ands' to manage. Slowing down helps me move outside of the old patterns I am addicted to and think, discern and be kind to myself.

Find Yourself a Teacher, Friends

2008-05-20T17:22:00.003-04:00

When I first met Stephen Levine I wanted to speak with him during a break in his workshop. The line I waited in was slow as he gave personal attention to each participant. As I came within about five feet from him I started crying uncontrollably and had to leave the room and never got to talk with him personally. After I went home from the workshop I wrote him a letter about my experience and asked the questions I had not been able to ask earlier. He wrote back, answered the questions and wrote ‘you are your own teacher, trust yourself, treasure yourself and trust the process.’ Every once in while when I am starving for a mentor or one person who I can go to I soothe myself with these words. And then I remember that in Hebrew Wisdom my teacher, myself is always there in the Indwelling Presence of G!D, Shekhinah.

Then I start thinking about all the people who teach me what I need to know and the mentors who lead me through the labyrinth of my life because they have been there first. And I smile at another moment when I chose to be kind to myself.

Blessing of the Vav: the fullness of one's life is in the acknowledging of the souls within it and the variation of choices we make. Life is not flat.

A Core Value: Kindness

2008-05-20T16:55:00.004-04:00

Today I spoke with my landlord who will soon be my neighbor. She lives in New York and was so appreciative of my help in caring for her condo. I began to respond with lots of words and then I stopped and said, ‘it is just basic kindness, Anne Marie’ and tears started to come to my eyes.

My thesaurus states that kindness is also caring, sympathetic, nice, gentle, thoughtful, compassionate, benevolent, humane, considerate, benign, humanitarian.

I remembered the day we buried my Father of blessed memory how sharp cornered everything felt and when the funeral director softened those corners for me I felt embraced and tenderly held and was able to take a deep breath. When I thanked him he said ‘it is just basic kindness’ and I thought yes it is and why is it not like breath to me?

I went to Club Med recently and was blown away by their hospitality. My heart waited for the ball to drop, the welcome to end, the warmth to cool, the generosity to shrink up until it didn’t and I was able to soak up their caring, generous, authentic spirit and by the time I left my heart had so enjoyed mirroring their welcome that I felt as if I owned the place. I was at home in their home.

At my 45th High School reunion I was on an emotional high having set myself up for the pleasure of being with the people who I so enjoyed being with in 1959-1961. Nothing could nor did douse my spirit. During the evening one of my classmates came over to me and said you were kind then and you are still so kind. To my memory no one had ever said that about me to me. Today I am beginning to see a pattern of one of my core values, kindness.

Blessings of the Vav: going up and down the ladder of the Vav allows me to be like Jacob's angels who went up and then down. Each time I go up to an experience I bring back with me an awareness of the Divine moment and weave a distinct unique me.

Coming Out is Getting Easier To Do

2008-05-02T21:02:00.005-04:00

I asked a client once to monitor when he noticed that he was editing or withholding any information. He used the word ‘appalling’ to describe the amount of information he chose not to disclose. He and I are very much alike. If I got paid for how much I edit in my conversations I would be a millionaire. I do not think he and I were always like this; we learned this skill.

At 65 I seem to be noticing that I am blessed with an ease of speaking out information that once was too difficult to let go of and maybe I am returning to a state where I feel safe enough to handle the effects of my words. A long time ago a wise friend once told me that there are three reasons one comes out or speaks freely from the heart: to push people away, to bring people closer and to just be oneself. My intention and deepest desire is to heal the world one heart at a time by going deeper with my conversations and relationships with myself as well as with others. Recently I heard from a friend older than I that as you age you edit less as ‘what have you got to lose?’ Hebrew Wisdom might say this 'de-editing' is a process of circumcising the heart, of removing the layers that hide the purity of the soul and redeeming the spark that is you.

Usually the phrase ‘coming out’ is linked with the gay community. As an advocate and trainer for making the environment at work ‘gay friendly’ it is a term I am comfortable with as being one’s self is energizing. It takes a lot of work to withhold information. As the country western song goes ‘you got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know what to keep.’ A core teaching of Hebrew Wisdom is to know oneself so you can love your neighbor. My self-awareness comes through trial and lots of tripping, deep contemplation and writing and living in community with family, friends, colleagues and angels who gift me with a mirror of my behavior when I dared to look.

I learned a very long time ago that if I edit my thoughts and emotions then I could be a chameleon and invisible and safe and not rock the boat. Of course this is a conundrum since I want to be known, appreciated, included and love to have fun.

Coming out comes in various flavors and patterns. Yesterday I self disclosed to a client what we both knew was true and yet could have been left unspoken. My client is a Southern Baptist and she was listening and beginning to trust me someone who would never believe that Jesus Christ is her savior and therefore by traditional teachings was going to hell. I wanted us to live in that awkward place and to see if we could raise each of us up to our highest good to explore this paradox. We continue to be committed to our growth.

I've noticed that in the last six months I have started freeing my ideas. First came exposing a dream that seemed to have no roots other than in my head: starting the Society of the Vav blog. Then I wrote about completing the Miami Marathon while walking for all the lonely people who give up on their dreams like I have done in the past. Inserting Hebrew Wisdom, honoring my Jewish roots, was also a step in coming out. Then I decided to write to each old and present client that I am building my practice. I can still hear the voices saying 'why do you have to tell them that?' And I feel the earth under my feet shaking while knowing that the Earth is my G!D and She has got me covered.

And the internal judger still sits guarding the gate of my tongue testing my intention to free my soul.

Blessings of the Vav: there is always space to add what was left out intentionally or unintentionally when I remember it is my life I am saving.

The Vav as a Symbol of Paradox

2008-04-24T08:10:00.008-04:00

There she stands, the Vav, erect, with her little hook on top amidst the six directions holding all, being the center of all there is. The Vav connects differences that need to be held in order to appreciate the whole for only when we know all options can we move forward and not feel caught as victims in our life.
Lately I have heard myself saying I must embrace the paradox when I have been in conversation with people who feel confronted with a dilemma and are needing to make choices between two options. They feel frozen in time not liking either choice or are choosing to check out and not even look back at what they are leaving because it is too painful.
I listen to them feeling their frustration and I listen to me waiting for something to arise where I can offer another perspective. As a sensitive I feel what they feel and am blinded by fear, old habits locking me into a rut that has become so familiar it seems to fit perfectly. And in the silence of no words I breathe deeply asking Ayecha, where are you? Somehow I am awakened and become the sixth letter of Hebrew Wisdom the Vav who sees in all directions and am unlocked from whatever has held me captive, free to be clear in a vision for the next moment and I speak what the Vav has offered. And I see a smile or hear 'I had not thought of that' and I say a prayer of gratitude for another life has been saved.

Blessings of the Vav: being given the opportunity of taking a deep breathe to live in the silence without fear and to appreciate all possibilities including self love.

This Nearly Was Mine

2008-04-07T07:55:00.004-04:00

Blessings of being awake: While walking this morning I found myself singing 'This Nearly was Mine'. I had heard the rendition at a show the other night and it had left a vivid impression. In my heart I felt the yearning of the song writer as I remembered hearing Itzio Pinza singing of his lost love in South Pacific. 'This nearly was mine?' I said to myself. I answered 'What was nearly mine. What did I miss out on and what really is mine?' 'No thing and everything' was the response.
Spiritual challenge:The truth is nothing is mine and when I get caught up in all the absoluteness of a two year old I can only bring myself to a very narrow place. My idea, my thought, my whatever separates me from the world. Even the thought that I missed out on something only brings sadness and doing it not right in my heart. As a teenage mother who still thinks her daughter is hers this is a call to wake to the truth that she never was mine and will always be my daughter to share with the world.
In Mystical Hebrew Wisdom the physical world, the world of doing, is perfect just the way it is. It might not be how I would want it to be and yet this is what I got.
Spiritual Practice: So again I am given another choice of noticing the feeling and choosing how to interpret the emotion, what thought to give it. Since I do not know the ending, I will just notice the feeling and wonder and choose not to prophesize. Since this is Nisan, the month when we honor the story of the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt I am singing another song; 'I am opening up to sweet surrender to the luminous love light of the One. This is mine, my heritage,my faith, my G!D.
Blessings of the Vav: when we hold it all and it feels too much to hold let it go, give it up and be just here.

Living One Life; Being a Rabbi Who Loves Her Leadership Development Work.

2008-03-25T10:36:00.007-04:00

Create Me a sanctuary and I will dwell there. Exodus, 25:8

When I am facilitating a small group usually I set an intention, a deep desire, before we begin. It helps me to remember why I came to work that day. The list includes to have fun, to laugh and to learn. Collaboration is my core value and gathering the wisdom of the group and not being the only expert are also my intentions. So after I write 'Welcome' and the above intentions on the board I have begun also drawing a circle in two parts with arrows facing the same direction; I label these arrows as 'giving' and 'receiving'. My hope is that the conversations between us will be rich and fruitful.

In Zami, African American essayist, poet and novelist Audre Lord 's autobiography (1934-1992) she describes herself as an only child who is like her mother and her father; she wants to enter and be entered. My first reading evoked sexual thoughts and feelings. As an only child I have have often wondered 'am I more akin to my mother or my father' and Lorde offered me the freedom to be like both. A teacher, Marc Gafni, used to say the sexual only models the erotic and is not the only the erotic. In Mystical Hebrew Wisdom a person is considered to have both male and female characteristics and simplistically said with the female as the receiver, the left side of the body, and the male as the giver, the right side of the body, and the potentiality of the two coming together is the ultimate connection in making the world a better place. Jung and other psychologists have agreed and Jung named the parts anima and animus.

Last night when my teacher Rabbi Miriam Shulamite Ribner taught on the female essence of G!D, Shekhinah, I felt my worlds coming together. In setting an intention for giving and receiving I am creating a vessel for the Divine Feminine to be in the midst of our conversation so that creativity, wisdom, and change will be linked bringing forth the sparks of new ideas and the potential of breaking old patterns.

A few weeks ago that is exactly what happened. I do not know if anyone in the group would have called it holy; I did and I knew it was different from what I had experienced in the past and very powerful. We became One as a group supporting each other, present in our conversations and uniquely distinctive in our way of being. Some say love is a process of both giving and receiving; perhaps that was what I was feeling, what I desire from the intention I set.

Blessing of the Vav; the potentiality to rise, to give, to receive and create a holy vessel of transformation all in one moment and to experience love. After all I heard from my heroes the Beatles 'that is all you need'.

Teach What You Need To Learn

2008-03-23T08:31:00.009-04:00

In a coaching session last week where I was the client my coach intuitively reflected to me the phrase You are the One and you are the one. I have been trying to bring clarity to the primary focus for my work and do not want to give up on this gift of words. It holds a paradox and a truth that cannot be denied. And I ask myself are these the words of my soul's mission?

Whenever I am scared beyond any control I may have over my life I say 'Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echod'... Hear, Israel, the Creator of All Life, Your God, is One.' When I am dealing with the thoughts of competition or envy I usually remember the teaching of the Great Ari, mystical teacher of Kabbalah, who taught that there is not one moment in time like another and so each one of us is unique. I remember then that I have a choice whether to suffer or not. What if I believed and lived You are the One and you are the one when I was not afraid or in the middle of services three times a day praying it? What would my life be like, I wonder.

When a friend was coming back to the faith of her birth she would say the constructs over and over and although she said it felt awkward at first eventually she really believed that Jesus was her savior. Over the last few days I have been saying You are the One and you are the one over and over again getting to know it better and waiting for the internal 'YES!' to evolve. I am getting to know the words and am going deeper with the phrase and yet I am not there yet, not even in the knowing of where 'there' is.

This morning I remembered 'teach what you need to learn' and I laughed and said well of course if I want to really get to know this phrase I must speak it out loud, remember it when I am in a narrow place and when I am in joy and write about it until it is mine.

Identity seems to be a theme of people with my ilk; seeking who I am and what am I doing in the world to make it a better place. We seem to consistently forget until a reflection reminds us of the truth that we are doing good things in the world, we do have a unique gift to give and we are more alike and than different. What if each moment of consciousness reminded me of You are the One and you are the one? I am curious.

So two days after the 'hidden was revealed' on Purim on this Easter day when my neighbors are celebrating the resurrection of Christ I am sitting beside them in the universe honoring the coming of Spring, the opportunity to free myself from the constraints of separateness and to experience my at One-ment and the unique gifts we, me included, bring to the world. May we use them for good.

Blessing of the Vav: Life is dynamic and continuous and inclusive.

Blessing the Naked Soul

2008-03-17T16:13:00.010-04:00

Today I did some internal work with a dear friend who loves me. How else could I stand there naked and not be modest. "Ayecha, Where are you?" G!D asks Adam and he replies with a history of the past. Well that was not the correct answer for it was only a story. We want the naked truth.

Where are you right now in real time; in your physical surroundings, what are you feeling, what are the thoughts roaming in the head and where are you in connection to your Divine Self?

In the work of Byron Katie you cannot escape the truth; you can only gently unpack through inquiry-asking the questions, slowly carefully stripping down and uncovering the truth at the very core of your being.... that is love.

The process reminds me of studying Torah and going deeper seeking the hidden beneath the surface words, going for the holy. When I first began studying the Bible I found it boring until I began looking at the characters as human beings who I could be in relationship with and in getting to know them I could get to know me.

In this month of Purim when the hidden is revealed and Esther's coming-out saves a nation and in the moon's changing face we move closer to the freedom of Passover I begin to notice my clearing out preparation for being re-birthed.

Blessing of the Vav: welcoming home all of yourself no matter what it looks like or how much you do not want to admit it belongs to you: the opportunity to get to know the soul's destiny while in relationship with every element of our life.